Girl Interrupted

  I didn’t choose to quit working but after almost 15 years with my previous employer, I was released during a battle with my chronic illness. Apparently God decided I needed a time out after 22 years of pushing through health challenges. The current season has ended up being much longer than I ever imagined and at this point I’m not even sure of the duration or what lies ahead.  The last 3 years have found me with no consistent income and waiting on approval of  social security disability. I finally received a date for my hearing  and recently had a phone interview with the attorney I found, in preparation for my hearing. The conversation with him left me with anxiety and insecurity because it reminded me of the shallow perception, discrimination, and lack of understanding the majority of people have regarding illness and health. Healthy people take so much for granted. It takes effort to live with a chronic illness; fighting for life daily. People are blind to what is unseen and it reveals how disconnected they are from our Creator, who cannot be seen. Chronic illness conditions you to live on a much deeper and spiritual level. It also reveals the Supernatural powers you depend on daily. Being intentional is a necessity. It takes a great deal of faith,skill, and determination to live with a life threatening disease and look as good as I do. 😉 All glory to Heaven and my Lord. Many times my mother has accused me of  faking her out while sick, however, it is all grace and no act on my part. God makes illness look easy I guess?


Admittedly it can be easier to be perceived as normal when most of the world is either self focused and distracted or under the influence of stress, toxic foods, alcohol, or legalized medications. I am not in the habit of sharing details that could potentially be used against me at some point.The only people that are aware of my brain damage are my doctors and I think they have even forgotten because of time and appearance’ based on supernatural adaptation. Even my family has what I call as health trauma amnesia, because all they seem to recognize is what they currently see? It is not as if I share all the details of my illness or even should. Just this evening as I was vacuuming the rug in my living room by myself my brain was telling that I was brushing the floor. #BlameItOnAphasia #BrainLesionProblems It is moments like this that pop up unexpected on various occasions with no warning. Or all the times my nystagmus gets the best of me and I look like I’m intoxicated because I stumble when moving. These are just some of the daily reminders I am not completely able. It leaves me feeling ashamed knowing all those amazing talents I possess are wasted on others ignorance and expectations. Just as I am able to write this blog; it takes careful and methodical editing, persistence, and time; which the real world doesn’t seem to allow. I haven’t given up restoration or eventually earning passive income yet either, but in the mean time I need some financial stability to go further and obtain my goals.

I don’t want my illness to define me nor am I seeking sympathy either. I would prefer to be understood; which seems unlikely. As I mentioned previously, I’m grateful my impairments are not obvious; it’s hard enough dealing with the discrimination that is invisible. It is a battle that seems impossible to win, having people question your ability to work and ironically now why you aren’t. The power of perception is so fickle! I’m just too intelligent and good looking to be disabled apparently? Yet here I am killing it, even literally!

.Intelligence,personality, and beauty do not dictate a person’s ability to work, accomplish tasks, or follow through. These characteristics make for a desirable resume, but lack in productivity. Any source of income or employment requires consistency; which does not exist or even realistic when challenged with an unpredictable immune dysfunction. Besides the nervous system damage that has occurred, having an immune system that is incapable of protecting me from all the unseen environmental toxins and warfare leaves me sick at the drop of a dime, on top of the typical fatigue.  Statistics state that an additional year of life is added to every year while ill. I am constantly being reminded of how good I look for being sick. I will be 46 next month and it has been just over 25 years dealing with my condition ,so that would make me 71; no wonder my body is ready for retirement. I look fabulous for 71! lol Then there are all the kidney stones and surgeries on a very regular basis I deal with. I eventually created a photo album on facebook to start documenting some of the ridiculous journey.

“When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves.”
– Albert Einstein

Well as usual God speaks to my heart through my daily devotional:


” None of us are immune. Life is hard some days. And often there’s not even just one “big” thing, but just lots of little battles that can drain us dry. Parenting, marriage, job, relationships, fears, worries about the future, experiencing loss, discouragement, illness, money problems – it all can leave us beaten down and worn. But, praise God, He gives us one another to help in times when we just feel like, “I can’t anymore…”

We’re all in this life thing together; let’s help each other today. Give an encouraging word, smile at someone, write a note, send a text, buy someone a coffee, pray for another soul and let them know that you’re praying, anything, just to remind a fellow believer that you’re holding up their battle-weary arms. And that you’re with them.”

And God is with us.

Dear God,

The battle feels intense some days. We get tired and weak, weary and worn. It’s hard to keep going in the face of defeat. But help us to remember that you will never leave us, that you’re our Refuge and our Strength, an ever-present help in trouble. We know that the enemy wouldn’t be fighting so hard against us, if we weren’t making a difference for your Kingdom. He wouldn’t be trying so hard to stop us, if he didn’t think you had so much good still in store. Remind us that the battle belongs to you, and whatever we’re up against can be taken down in one fail swoop by your Mighty Hand. Help us to trust you more, to never waste time spinning our wheels and wrestling or fighting in our strength. Please forgive us Lord for the times we’ve failed to lift our hands to you, for the days we’ve forgotten to come to you first. Fill us with the Power of your Holy Spirit this day. Fill us with your joy, fill us with your wisdom and discernment, fill us with constant reminders that Your Presence will go with us, and you will give us rest.


Exposing Wolves And Idols

My motivation in life has always been inherently rooted in purpose, and that purpose is following Christ and designed for growth, healing, and peace. My intentions are to avoid anything pointless and deceptive which seems close to impossible in this world and why we need grace and a Savior. In a previous post I mentioned intentionally trying to avoid any appearance of evil, as the Bible mentions; including the celebration of Halloween, after learning the spiritual implications that were conceived in idolatry and darkness.
After browsing facebook the universe just whispered a childhood memory that inspired me suddenly and profoundly. I am constantly reminded that nothing in our existence is ever random and all things under the sun have meaning and resonate with our journey. It’s just many are too distracted to look beyond the surface. So onto the history and insight of my childhood.
I was chosen to play “Little Red Riding Hood” in a kindergarten production. I had assumed it was because I was a very animated child, however, after 40 years I am now speculating additional reasoning. I saw something related to it browsing online and instantly was triggered by the thought OMG, it was no coincidence I was chosen, even as a child. I was blind but can now see after the last 3 years, the preparation for my present experience’s and also how I might have been created similarly to “Little Red Riding Hood” at my core? The last few years has lead me to constantly revealing wolves hiding in society. Not only in people, but the world revolves around spiritual wolves; health,government,food,education, and even church’. Wolves that I have been blinded to for so long. It has left me feeling so foolish and insecure lately as I now realize how the majority of people I have cared for and saw goodness in could be motivated by such shallowness and darkness all along. But what is more disappointing is all the ways society has conditioned us to the normalcy of this epidemic of brokeness and narcissism. This spiritual battle we face is leading us into temptation and physical repercussions of illness. Sadly I’m left feeling guilty about my own limitations on the journey and blaming myself.
So it might sound crazy but I almost feel like dressing up as “Little Red Riding Hood”? Maybe it could be a potential spiritual act needed to symbolically free myself from the reality and help guide me in returning to my innocence? A gesture to bring my heart and head together and unite the depth of my inner child while bringing it to the surface? Or maybe I’m just going crazy and having a midlife crises after all the failed attempts of trying to heal myself and perfect the Love in my soul that has been systematically jaded over the years. Never have I understood and related life so much to “Little Red Riding Hood”. All along I thought I was more of a “Cinderella” type until this moment? Either life imitates art or art imitates life, but I am so ready for a happy ever eternity!
The following passages were sent in my devotional @Crosscards this morning and am finding the relevance significant.

“Listen to the word of the LORD, people of Jacob — all you families of Israel! This is what the LORD says: ‘What did your ancestors find wrong with me that led them to stray so far from me? They worshiped worthless idols, only to become worthless themselves.’” Jeremiah 2:4-5 (NLT)

Jeremiah 15:19, “This is how the LORD responds: ‘If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you!’” (NLT)


They’ve made me feel like a prisoner
They’ve made me feel set free
They’ve made me feel like a criminal
Made me feel like a king

They’ve lifted my heart
To places I’d never been
And they’ve dragged me down
Back to where I began

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

You can heal the heartache
Speak over the fear
(Speak over the fear)
God, Your voice is the only thing
We need to hear
(We need to hear)

Words can build us up
Words can break us down
Start a fire in our hearts or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Let the words I say
(Let the words I say)
Be the sound of Your grace
(Sound like Your grace)
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

I wanna speak Your love
Not just another noise
Oh, I wanna be Your light
I wanna be Your voice

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Let the words I say
(Let the words I say)
Be the sound of Your grace
(Sound like Your grace)
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Words can build us up
Words can break us down
Start a fire in our hearts
Or put it out

I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

Hawk Nelson~ Words video

Deliver Us From Evil

I don’t mean to be a bummer, however, the truth isn’t always pleasant. Nobody ever claimed denying oneself is easy but it has been worth it from my experience. It is a personal decision just like any other and we usually have to learn the hard way. Evil is real and so is the Light and I prefer purity; it is my nature though, having a life path #7 and the gift of chastity. As we approach the haunting hour and evil worship that comes during October I felt it recently on my heart to warn others of the real threat that I gladly would partake in for 43 years. The Lord has been revealing the truth and deception of the holiday over the last 3 years of intimacy and growth. I can’t go back knowing what I know and experiencing the new found peace and freedom. I am still human and have the innate urge to enjoy dressing up for Halloween and not as anything evil either. It would seem as though to most it wouldn’t hurt anyone in the act,however, we would be wrong. It compromises our relationship with the Giver and Receiver of our life and All good things. It also opens energy into the darkness when we celebrate something created in the energy and spirit of darkness. That energy is very real and I not only don’t want to experience any consequence’ of inviting the occult into my world, but I also don’t intend to jeopardize my favor in the Lord that I have come to enjoy after turning away from my immaturity and foolishness. First off, as a purpose driven individual what purpose would there be in putting a costume on, besides self indulgence? Furthermore, what would provoke me to dress up as anything; other than idolatry? It all seems so pointless really in the grand scheme of life? Leave it to me to error on the safe side but my soul and devotion to God on my journey is way more important than a night or instant of self gratification. It really is no different than sex,food, or anything that can be enjoyed. Call me crazy, but I want God’s best! There is no appearance of Holiness in pretending to be something you are not. Maybe I’m overthinking but not participating in Halloween activities certainly won’t rob me of anything! I’ve personally found I don’t need anything apart from Christ and the more I practice this, the more freedom and peace I obtain.

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”
Eph 5:8-11

When you research the history of Halloween it was conceived by flawed man and continued by foolish people who never questioned their hearts and why.
It is so easy to get caught up in the flesh and ignore spiritual forces.
Looking back on my childhood I can’t help but reflect the times I was naively introduced to the dark side thinking nothing of it. My intention is to finally break free from those chains. I’ve always believed in cause/effect and that it is impossible to believe otherwise. If you understand the depths of reality,energy, and molecules of all existence; there is no such thing as nothing. Even nothing is something! Have I lost you now? LOL
“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness.” Isaiah 5:20a

Anyway upon reflection of past events in my life it triggered contemplation of my mother purchasing an ouija board and using it thinking it was just a game. As naturally inquisitive adolescents we would ask questions. I no longer remember the basic markings on the board but I remember being creeped out by the way it really moved and the answers of where it stopped. It only takes one oops to discover an open door to hell. I believe it was an event that brought my step father into our lives and it would change my life forever. I remember the first time meeting him at Chuckie Cheese and none of us liked him; we would later discover our intuition was reliable. Besides for the fact my mother invited him to live with us and was having sex before being married to him. It was all producing an environment of sin that we would suffer the consequence. Not long after he moved in I would wake in the night to him fondling my private parts and discover holes in areas of the older farm house he would use to peek as I would bathe or change clothing. I felt helpless and would remain as if I was still sleeping; in hopes he would leave but it was never soon enough. While he lay his hands over my female essence he would verbally speak perversion and vulgarity. As I’ve recently been researching on my journey to discovery and healing from the trauma that most likely contributed to my health condition with neurosarcoidosis, I understand the connection to the teeth grinding I developed throughout high school that can be a symptom linked to a stress response occurring after significant exposure. It had probably been approximately 7 years I lived in constant fear; especially sleeping. It was in 1994 after I had been ill for a year that I left to stay with my grandparents and never leave there home. It would be 4 more years later that this monsters sins would catch up to him physically with bone cancer and the Lord would rescue and deliver me from evil. I guess I discovered early on to trust the Lord and desire purity. I feel blessed to have gained such a passion for purity and the peace it provides.
Well, I seemed to get off track maybe but the initial onset of my illness was labor day weekend and would continue the duration of October. I believe there is significant energy being produced that correlates with the calendar. In fact, it would be interesting to remember when he entered the picture because I believe I remember wearing jackets and being cold but not freezing?

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9

“Let those who love the Lord hate evil.” Psalm 97:10

“To fear the Lord is to hate evil. Prov. 8:13a

“Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the Lord God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.” Amos 5:15

Adams Light

I felt inspired to share this piece written by Adam after the loss of Senator John McCain. I think it reveals beauty in the memories and exposes the heart that I have become drawn to and admire in Adam. Just another reason why I support him in politics and life. I continue to be amazed by the endurance and light he reflects amid the constant barrage of nasty and hateful comments he receives daily on his facebook page. It seems apparent to me his spiritual focus is lead by the Holy Spirit.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour. (Romans 12:10 ESV)

ISFJ Defender

The Defender personality type is quite unique, as many of their qualities defy the definition of their individual traits. Though sensitive, Defenders have excellent analytical abilities; though reserved, they have well-developed people skills and robust social relationships; and though they are generally a conservative type, Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas. As with so many things, people with the Defender personality type are more than the sum of their parts, and it is the way they use these strengths that defines who they are.
Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity.
There’s hardly a better type to make up such a large proportion of the population, nearly 13%. Combining the best of tradition and the desire to do good, Defenders are found in lines of work with a sense of history behind them, such as medicine, academics and charitable social work.
Defender personalities (especially Turbulent ones) are often meticulous to the point of perfectionism, and though they procrastinate, they can always be relied on to get the job done on time. Defenders take their responsibilities personally, consistently going above and beyond, doing everything they can to exceed expectations and delight others, at work and at home.

We Must Be Seen to Be Believed

The challenge for Defenders is ensuring that what they do is noticed. They have a tendency to underplay their accomplishments, and while their kindness is often respected, more cynical and selfish people are likely to take advantage of Defenders’ dedication and humbleness by pushing work onto them and then taking the credit. Defenders need to know when to say no and stand up for themselves if they are to maintain their confidence and enthusiasm.
Naturally social, an odd quality for Introverts, Defenders utilize excellent memories not to retain data and trivia, but to remember people, and details about their lives. When it comes to gift-giving, Defenders have no equal, using their imagination and natural sensitivity to express their generosity in ways that touch the hearts of their recipients. While this is certainly true of their coworkers, whom people with the Defender personality type often consider their personal friends, it is in family that their expressions of affection fully bloom.

If I Can Protect You, I Will

Defender personalities are a wonderful group, rarely sitting idle while a worthy cause remains unfinished. Defenders’ ability to connect with others on an intimate level is unrivaled among Introverts, and the joy they experience in using those connections to maintain a supportive, happy family is a gift for everyone involved. They may never be truly comfortable in the spotlight, and may feel guilty taking due credit for team efforts, but if they can ensure that their efforts are recognized, Defenders are likely to feel a level of satisfaction in what they do that many other personality types can only dream of.

Health Access Advocate Application

Applicant’s Name: Stephanie Gillis
Date: 8/25/2018

Interview Questionnaire – Health Access Advocate

What motivates you to become involved with the IDF advocacy team?

My own health struggles and determination dealing with Neurosarcoidosis for nearly 25 years. You develop a spirit of overcoming and hope. I feel the universe has lead me to this opportunity and given me a significant position for transformation. I have always been driven for improvement and quality of health.

The most helpful skill for Health Access Advocates is the ability to tell a clear, concise story about your journey with PI. What past experience have you had with sharing your story?

I actually prefer writing as opposed to speaking as a result of insecurities associated with previous brain lesions causing aphasia and have written about some of my health journey in a blog.

What other special skills or experiences do you have that will enhance the efforts of our advocacy team?

Engaging genuinely with others, empathy, and a passion to make the world and people’s lives better.

Tell us about any IDF advocacy activities that you have participated in (action alerts, writing letters, testimony, advocacy days)?

At this point it is a very new direction in my life. I have just done much research in my own attempt to recover my life and have been blogging, however, not specific to IDF.

Can you describe a situation when someone disagreed with you and how you handled it?

I am an objective and respectful individual and usually have the approach to agree to disagree. Admittedly I have a tendency to avoid conflict but will not allow anyone to discredit me or others. It requires seeking God for grace, mercy, and letting go sometimes.

Pursuit of Healing


God continues to reveal and reinforce my mission of restoration with resource’,guidance, and affirmations on my journey to healing nearly 25 years of NeuroSarcoidosis. My focus has been seeking the Lord for truth and direction since I lost my job in the fall of 2015, as a result of discrimination and progression of my illness. Our Creator is the source of creation and healing. Our bodies were designed to be self healing and it is miraculous; the entire cells of our bodies regenerate at different daily,monthly, and yearly rates in a divine process known as autophagy. God has kept me very busy with online health material and health summits; in fact, there have been very few weeks not filled with at least one summit to view and gain further understanding. God has also been connecting me with many alternative and functional medical providers whom most have had their own journey to healing as a result of illness. Finally, God introduced me to the world of political activism as a result of the decline in care and increased cost; as a consequence of the implementation of Obamacare. I’ve been trying to put all the pieces together to form a specific vision and I believe I am closer than ever after the most recent series of influence. “The Healing Miracle Stem Cell Secrets” series is my current blessing sent from God. Health is a complicated process; many things can go wrong with our bodies and the worldly conventional medical community refuse’ to assess the entire picture. Health is a multidisciplinary issue. I realized it was broken from the beginning but until recently didn’t feel able to contribute a better way nor had any motivation. It is human nature to become comfortable and ignore things until they get extreme and awareness occurs. As usual and in God’s mysterious ways I now realize it has all been a blessing in disguise and part of Gods plan. Medication has never offered a solution but with my experience and most recent revelations obtained on my trips to Mayo clinic, it is apparent that medications are dangerous. It was by the grace of God that while searching for a table to sit in the cafeteria, Kelly motioned me over and invited me to join her. We connected very quickly and started sharing our similar issues with drug intolerance. She suggested blood testing for polymorphism gene expression and referred me to her allergist. He ordered the testing and provided me with additional information and it opened up the world of cytochrome P450 enzymes and their responsibility in metabolizing different medications. So besides for the usual drug allergies, which aren’t revealed until after exposure and reaction, the list of negatives is even greater. There has been a recent awareness of the growing epidemic of addiction to pain medications known as opioids in the news, however, it is the nature of all drugs to create dependency. It is why there remains a huge and profitable pharmaceutical industry and is based on basic biologic chemistry. Sadly most of society has been deceived and conditioned for instant gratification; seeking easy answers that simply do not exist. There are many hidden dangers taking prescriptions that the world seems to be blind to that should be exposed. Ignorance is only bliss to the intellectually lazy. Another problem is the blind trust of doctors who are also human with flaws. Most people do not even realize the fourth most common cause of death in the US is doctor prescribed medications and not even related to any prescription errors. I believe it is negligent to prescribe prescriptions without advance gene testing because everyone is unique and the consequence can lead to what is known as iatrogenic.
adjective 1. relating to illness caused by medical examination or treatment: “drugs may cause side effects which can lead to iatrogenic disease”

I am fortunate that not only do I have an insatiable desire for learning and understanding but also practice disciplines that have helped me avoid addictive personality traits. It requires intentional and sacrificial living; being a glutton for punishment doesn’t hurt either? 😉 However, I can honestly say that I was chemically dependent on immune suppression and believe I am still dealing with withdraw issues and residual hormonal abnormalities, despite practicing fasting and detoxification principles for almost 2.5 years. It takes time to restore 22+ years of imbalance because of misguided behavior. I have faith that good things come to those who persevere and are patient; it requires a lot of seeking God’s word! I also realize that most of the information I am encountering are newer discoveries and in God’s perfect timing. At this point it is obvious that government and politics are the stumbling block to health. Insurance standards are rigid and limit payments for alternative treatments like massage,acupuncture,oxygen,reiki,natural supplements, and many other unconventional therapies that could provide relief. Furthermore, the government should not have the power to limit my ability to use my own cells in the pursuit of attempted healing. Consequently, stem cell therapy could potentially reduce associated healthcare costs. The current system perpetuates illness and requires continued error and practice. There is a great quote “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Change needs to happen and it is our God given right to be able to choose and use whatever means necessary in our pursuits.
God has been using my illness for the greater good. Not only did He want me to transform medicine but He assigned me a position working in pharmacy to experience and expose the dysfunction,idolatry, and evil that has progressively gotten worse the previous decade. He also used my position to prompt me to discontinue drugs and save myself. I am apparently a slow learner? LOL People have more faith in medicine and drugs than Christ and His ability to heal and restore. I have many stories of how God has miraculously kept me alive. Over 22+ years is a long time to be prescribed poisons that the government has deemed safe. Newsflash….. living can kill you in a variety of ways and government has no business being a guardian and false idol. I want my story to end with God being glorified and responsible for my life or death.
John 11:4 English Standard Version (ESV)
4 But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

It has been obvious that God has always served a greater purpose in my life that is so beyond my understanding. It has taken nearly 3 years of complete focus and discernment on Him, health, and everything involved in the human body to bring me to this point of understanding. The most recent indication that I am close to the prize is receiving a connection request and message on facebook from a very well known prophetic minister after following him. His message was: “I add you up because i saw something great coming your way and i also saw spiritual attacks..i want you to bind them with prayers.”
I’m including a youtube link to lesson 1 of the current series I am learning for those that actually care to discover the divine capabilities of our bodies. It is very unfortunate that many have become so passive in life and ignore the manual or Bible; which contains the power and guidance to healing. I just wish more science was actually used in the diagnosis and treatment of illness.

Beware of the Coming Trap to Destroy Our Nation / The $50 Lesson

Beware of government idolatry!

"Fresh Manna" - Bible Devotions by Tim Burt

Fresh Manna
by Pastor Tim Burt

Jesus often taught and demonstrated mercy and compassion when showing us the heart of God. He taught us how to help someone in crisis and need when possible. We see that in the story of the good Samaritan in Luke chapter 10. God’s word teaches us not to focus on what we can’t do, but what we can and are able to do to help be a blessing to others. Living a life of what we can do for others is a blessed way to live. The entire Bible talks about stewardship, tithing and giving, hundreds of times. The entire Bible talks about stewardship, tithing and giving hundreds of times. But, the Bible does not legislate an obligation for you or anyone to take care of another on an ongoing basis when they have the ability to work and provide for their-self. The Apostle…

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