Grace, Growth, and Why I Don’t Look Sick

I am constantly reminded of how I don’t look sick; even told how good I look often and it is a direct result of grace. Grace has an ability to cover a multitude of scars and imperfections. The Bible instructs “My grace is sufficient, in your weakness.” I am the living proof it is the truth! The following explanations describe the process leading to grace.

Grace is earned through hardship and giving it to God.

Courtesy of a fellow Sarcoidosis warrior ~ Vallory Deflumeri

The beauty of Personal Grace

Grace is a measure of staying calm under pressure. The more fear, failure and heartbreak we overcome, the more Grace we have the potential to develop. We develop Grace through our pain. It is a reflection of the competence we developed in being brought to our knees. When we have Grace, no matter how deeply we hurt, we don’t let life or people break us down. Grace is a fluid state of mind which carries us with ease through life’s problems, obstacles and difficult communications. It is that quality in us that stands out when we are living in that sweet space where things are flowing effortlessly. When we possess Grace, there is no reason for entitlement or ego. When we have Grace, our focus is largely on gratitude. We don’t complain about our more fearful situations; we simply take the time we need to better ourselves in light of them. Grace gives us a tangible aura of elegance, and is developed through the processes of communicating, networking, growing, staying emotionally balanced and in the development of our self-awareness to greater depths. Grace is the beautiful reflection of our maturity, and the depth of our human capacity to feel, to hurt, to rise and to continue on stronger, wiser and better.

Truths ❤️❤️


Governmental Gas Lighting

Drain the Social Security Administration

While preparing for a request of review to the Appeals Council I decided it could be eye opening to share my experience with others in hopes the process could be better understood and exposed. As I was forming the content it really challenged me to the depths of it’s impact and initiated a growth of purpose. I can’t help but want to pursue change to this system that tortures people in there most vulnerable moments. It’s almost as if it would have to be intentional and a source of evil. I have been almost obsessed with psychology the last few years in my journey dealing with so much insanity in the world. The closer I come to understanding, the more I come to the conclusion that psychology was created by man in an attempt to explain and label the unseen spiritual fruits of satan? I have always insisted social security should be a private entity and I can’t help but want to expose the administration for what it truly is; a tool for satan. The process is biased, absent of due process, and ssa gets to decide which evidence will be used to manipulate, aka witchcraft. The hearing is basically an interview where you are put on trial and anything you say, can and will be used against you. There is no recourse until the determination; which happens approximately 3 months later. I demand limited government!

First of all, I wanted nothing to do with the government and didn’t even start the application process until over a year had passed after losing my job, when it became apparent I didn’t have a chance at earning an income with my limitations. So on January 3, 2017 I submitted my application. Of course it was denied and I appealed waiting in limbo until I could get a hearing. I was notified a couple months prior to my hearing date that it was scheduled for November 19, 2018. In the mean time I had found legal representation online and had communicated with staff by phone and email; never meeting until my hearing. An attorney contacted me the Friday before the hearing to go over my case in preparation of the hearing. Needless to say, I ended up in tears during the conversation. It was actually quite annoying and remember Andrew commenting “I’ve done many of these hearings, just never as complicated as yours.” Umm he waits until 3 days before the hearing to figure this out? All the records had been sent at point of contact with health providers. I really wanted this to go well and made sure I was keeping up with my responsibility; in hopes things would flow accordingly. Right then I knew this was not going to go well but it was the Friday before my hearing on Monday, so I was without options at this point. Not trusting this attorney I decided I would bring a file with the most significant records involving my case and arrived well in advance hoping to review my case with the poor excuse for legal representation. As he was looking over the documents I provided, he acted as if he had never seen the report of my brain MRI from September 2017? I had been given confirmation via email from the legal assistant following the results. Living with a chronic illness for as long as I have you definitely learn the importance of communication and the need to be proactive. My hearing day had arrived and during the broadcast, as I like to call it; you are sitting at a table and basically skyping on a big screen. The judge asked me some questions and after my turn was over addressed a doctor by speaker phone that worked for social security about my file. Apparently this doctor’s opinion was preferential over my physicians, who have dealt with my condition between 5 to 19 years and he basically discounted everything. The doctor even implied that I no longer had my condition because I wasn’t taking medications to control it? The judge gave my attorney a chance to offer a statement and he questioned the phone doctor something about calcium with sarcoidosis, which seemed unusual and irrelevant, but not being the expert in disability legality figured maybe I was missing something? The judge ordered a psyche evaluation even though he didn’t feel I needed it? Afterwards the attorney and I walked out of the building together and in a very casual demeanor he commented “I hope you thought I did alright.” I then questioned when I would know more about my case and why I would need a psyche evaluation; given my illness was physical? He actually responded he wasn’t sure? It was a total nightmare! After I returned home I was so upset I contacted my cousin from Arkansas to vent about the train wreck and wanting out from the deal. I was all new to attorney business but after talking to her boyfriend she assured me I didn’t have to retain him. After I got off the phone with her, I pulled my original contract to clarify any terms and was relieved I could fire him. I then proceeded to write a letter of termination to the attorney and send it certified. I didn’t feel the need to pursue further representation because it seemed mute and obvious that lawyers are clueless to health/illness and there was a major breakdown.

December 21, 2018 I had an appointment for the psyche evaluation; as a side note it was a very strange experience. The location was a big house with single lane driveway turned business? I drove around the surrounding blocks until I found a place with parking along the street. When I arrived the psych guy was in with a client and I had to wait awhile. As I was sitting in the main area, I could hear just about every word between the client and him. So much for privacy?

In order to gain some support, I decided I would finally contact the state representatives office that I had volunteered for in the previous campaign, that his campaign manager in a previous conversation had suggested regarding my situation. His office forwarded all the documents I provided and I received a notice back from them with a response from ssa indicating they already had the information? I couldn’t understand how that was possible because I had appointments in December following the dismissal of legal representation? It was expected to take 3 months for ssa to come to a decision in my case. Three months later I received notice for another hearing? I was thinking for what? I could not help but find this ridiculous and confusing. My supplemental hearing was on May 2, 2019 and as I anticipated; it did not disappointment for being pointless. Different judge, same skype channel. The judge proceeds to state that my previous judge had retired and he was assigned to the case for a decision. He indicated he had the opportunity to evaluate my records and felt he had a good understanding of the case. He then asked if I wanted to say anything? I replied I didn’t really understand why I would need another hearing and that my medical records should speak for themselves. I also mentioned I didn’t have any faith in the process and wasn’t sure what I could add. It made absolutely no sense. “Would you like to say anything?” About what? He was the judge that summoned me. If there was a particular reason for this hearing, shouldn’t he be the one asking questions based on the need and reason for the hearing. They literally could have called me on the phone to accomplish what occurred. Based on this hearing I found it crazy the judge even questioned why I didn’t have legal representation? Seriously, what am I missing because I feel as though I’ve been punk’d! As of this past week I received an unfavorable finding and the next step is requesting a review from the Appeals Council and waiting another 18 months for them to spiritually assault me; causing stress and preventing any healing.

I have this annoying innate desire in me to create order out of chaos, just like Christ, so I’ve learned from the best. It would be a bonus if God could move it to change. For now I can just have faith He will use this situation for His glory. I just wish I knew why I get all the dirty jobs? 😉 Of course it could always be worse and I could be a politician. The following paragraphs are my response’ to the unfavorable findings explanation, and what I discern as “gas lighting” .

I received notice of an unfavorable decision for social security disability and I don’t have any other choice but to request a review by the Appeals  Council. I find it suspect that the documentation in the conclusion of findings was missing the most severe diagnosis’ I have been afflicted with since 2015, despite confirmation of receiving these records from my Hematologist at OSF and Urologist at Loyola; which documented Primary Immune Deficiency, ITP, and Chronic Kidney disease. Also, my official diagnosis is systemic neurosarcoidosis and the MRI confirms this diagnosis, so the administrations qualifying diagnosis and assessment of sarcoidosis is incorrect; it disregards actual diagnosis completely. The evidence clearly proves my systemic involvement and is proven beyond any doubt, based on the multiple organs involved. I am in complete dismay how the findings could realistically come to the conclusion otherwise and that my case be deemed not severe? I have several specialist’ that have been involved in my care that include; endocrinology, urology, hematology, pulmonary, and last but not least neurology, which is a good indication my condition is systemic and severe. I’d suggest a credible doctor be deciding on this matter because the findings in my determination contradict the truth. Basic anatomy confirms these systems work together and how the nervous system is the operations manager. Maybe this is why judges shouldn’t be making determinations on health issues and that doctors familiar with the patients case should not be disregarded. The mere fact that more weight was given to an assigned doctor, who has never seen me, performed an examination, and based solely off of potentially transposed information, is asking for disaster. Another contradiction to the findings was that the doctor on the phone watched? Afterwards? How would that add any insight? I’m apparently guilty of being too hot for illness? LOL In addition, the agency doctor proved he is unreliable by statements violating the oath a doctor takes “To do no harm.” Therefore his opinions cannot be used in good faith or trusted. The administration process is completely flawed, as with most things run by the government. To state there is no evidence that would suggest my condition is systemic; defies all logic and evidence.


 [sis-tem´ik] pertaining to or affecting the body as a whole. systemic disease one affecting a number of tissues that perform a common function.

My case is so sever and rare most physicians have much difficulty and seem very intimidated by treating all the involvement. As a result I am passed around like a hot potato from specialist to specialist. In the coveted 15 minutes I’m allowed with my doctors, the typical response to my concerns are always ” It’s the sarcoidosis.” So I’m sent on my way to deal. It is why I have been left with no choice but to go the distance over the course of my illness. It is also why I was forced to become my own advocate and be very selective in health care decisions. The worst of my dysfunctions involve the nervous system, which is essential for complete body function, an immune system that was created to defend the body from unseen microorganisms seeking to call our bodies home, and finally, chronic kidney stones leading to 10 kidney surgeries within the past 10 years causing kidney scarring and damage. If that wasn’t enough, chronic splenomegaly that had been repeatedly acknowledged in pet scan, and the multiple ultrasounds provided, primary immune deficiency, I.T.P., residual brain lesions causing episodic dysphasia and documented nystagmus resulting in vision limitations; which possibly contribute to the unexpected balance disturbance I encounter on occasion. The lung scarring becomes apparent when afflicted with a rhino/retro virus; causing mucus drainage into the lungs, stimulating uncontrollable and convulsive coughing spells; that result alternating between vomiting and urine leakage. The coughing is triggered so deeply it feels as if you are drowning in mucus and left gasping for air. It’s humiliating, exhausting, and you prefer to avoid putting on a show to any bystanders. It happens more often than not; in fact I’ve currently been sick with a virus since my last hematology appointment, which is no surprise given the environment and being surrounded by other immune suppressed individuals carrying underlying infections. Doctors office’ are the last place you want to be when immune compromised. The consequence of having immune deficiency and getting sick results with an average 6 to 8 weeks before achieving symptom resolution. I have used a journal to document my health the last few years to better realize the impact, because after dealing with dysfunction for an extended period of time, it somehow becomes normal with a tendency to produce denial. Sometimes I wish I could record the ugly episodes that come with this condition, however, I have enough respect for myself and others to not want to torture anyone. I only share things that I can dress up; like kidney stones. After assessment of my journal documentation during the previous Dec-May, 78 of 182 days were bad involving additional ailments or virus’. Almost half of my life is spent sick with acute illness on top of chronic illness. To expect me to compete with healthy individuals is not only unfair but cruel! I’m at such a loss and feel attacked by all the inaccurate and incomplete findings. It was confirmed by the judge of receipt of the evidence, yet has been completely overlooked or missing from the finding evaluation. Not only have I been engaged in a physical battle over 25 years, but I would be an emotional basket case if it weren’t for my strong faith, intentional living, and believing in hope for better days. It shouldn’t be a surprise that through this process I would be dealing with mild anxiety and depression; due to being continuously forced to reflect on the last 4 years of illness and stuck in a system that prevents me from moving forward. To have a standard in the law where age is even a determining factor for disability, isn’t even rational but certainly explains ignorant comments such as “You’re too young to be sick?” Disability does not discriminate and inflammation is part of the aging process. Despite appearance’ my body has been in a chronic inflammatory state, aging at twice the rate for over 25 years. It is well documented that an additional year can be added to every year dealing with inflammatory conditions because inflammation is resistance. Medications don’t eliminate inflammation completely and at best only reduce it. Another suspect criteria used in the determination of disability is being on medications for treatment? Apparently according to ssa laws the more medication needed the more support for disability? This qualifying standard has got to be the most irrational concept of all. It literally reveals that medications are completely worthless for improvement of illness. If you were taking medications for a condition and it improved the condition and quality of life, you wouldn’t need disability! Talk about an oxymoron!

I have been held hostage by the social security administration after working approximately 29 years and 22 of those years under the influence of illness. During those years I worked an average 30 hour work week that accompanied 4 medical leaves annually, the previous 5 years while employed. The audacity of the statement claiming that I have worked 20 years with my condition; omits the obvious lack in understanding of progression of disease. It would be like stating because you have driven a vehicle for 20 years, there would be no reason it would break down and not perform. By that standard why would there ever be a need to retire? In fact, aging is similar to biologic mileage and anything working against the body, such as chronic illness, inflammation, or other factors add additional mileage. There are plenty of people much older that have much greater stamina, capabilities, and quality of life than those younger with ailments. Donald Trump is a great example. I have got nothing on him, or at least anything he would want. 😉

Nothing changes if nothing changes. The only change that has occurred with my health situation over the last 4 years, has been the elimination of working and the difference it has made; allowing isolation; minimal stress, illness, and hospitalizations. It is basic cause/effect. The stress response is a major assault on an already overextended body. It is a vicious cycle that cannot be escaped with any significant burden of exertion. As it currently stands, my task limitations are confined to periods not exceeding 1.5 hours because of increased pressure to the brain; resulting in unexplained numbness,tingling,burning, cramping in extremities and dizziness. I push myself to achieve basic tasks and feel grateful for good days when I am able to accomplish a couple basic items on my to do list. This whole process has been ridiculous; as if someone who understands law could ever understand the body,health, and the cost of illness? I shouldn’t have to seek legal assistance in pursuit of an earned benefit, defending my reality; especially by someone who is clueless regarding matters of illness and disease. The fact I have not earned any substantial income in over 2 years despite my best efforts is evidence I have been unable to commit to steady employment. Once again a personal opinion has more value than evidence. I welcome further advise on all the positions I would be suited to perform that were claimed in the findings. Have job requirements gotten so mediocre they are no longer competitive? Attendance optional? Dependability not required? Both sedentary and repetitive motion are both factors that can trigger inflammation and cause further damage to an already compromised body. I can’t type worth anything with any consistent manner due to hand/eye coordination disturbance’ from nystagmus. I refuse to perform at a level that is unacceptable by most standards. I guess that is where the world and I collide? I value the work and effort I can provide and currently all that I have to offer is interrupted. I probably would make a really good editor if it weren’t for the unreliability associated with my circumstance’ and needing to avoid contact with hidden germs. I fought to work for 22 years and now fighting to rest and heal, and my body is worn out from this fight to save my soul.

The document findings are filled with inaccuracy’ and incomplete. I have followed with corrections to the findings report.

June 1, 2015 (6F/126) I had an appointment for zometa infusion for treatment of high calcium; not sarcoidosis. Zometa is a sodium bisphosphonate and isn’t used to treat sarcoidosis. (Incorrect ASSUMPTION)

June 26, 2015 (6F/126) “Reported not feeling well”? I had been having fevers with heaviness in my chest that hadn’t improved post contracting influenza b on April 7, 2015. Being a Friday after hours my provider sent me to the ER department after contacting him, to have my white count checked and if needed, boost it, which resulted with a platelet count of 1. The er doctor only offered me an antibiotic with no evidence of a bacterial infection. I refused the antibiotic knowing it was most likely viral and related to my influenza that never resolved. The er doctor, not familiar with my complex case, bullied me and refused to treat my white count as customary with neulasta, which was the reason my physician recommended I go in the first place. I wasn’t in any position to risk further complications from something unnecessary, so I determined waiting to see my physician the following Monday was the best decision. On June 29, 2015 I was appropriately diagnosed with neutropenic fevers, pneumonia, and hospitalized. (So again findings were not completely accurate and taken out of context.)

August 4, 2015 I saw my endocrinologist who had been following my persistent hypercalcemia and hypothyroid. The zometa treatments worked to decrease my calcium, which was later discovered to be related to a parathyroid adenoma.

October 7, 2015 I had a follow up visit with my pulmonary physician to evaluate resolution of pneumonia. I felt my lungs were stable and my cough had improved. ( The assumption that zometa is used in the treatment of sarcoidosis is again false and shows complete medical ignorance.)

November 2, 2015 (6F/59) Living alone and being primarily independent and able to provide for basic self care needs is very different than trying to maintain consistent reliability. In fact, it should explain that maintaining necessary tasks on your own would place more demands on the body; without having a regular source of support. As if it is impossible to live alone with a disabling condition is another poor assumption. I’m not paralyzed, however, even if I were, there is no reasons that would prevent adjusting to the circumstance. This implication insults the disabled and shows contempt. It also does not mean I am without regular assistance at times. My neighbors are constantly looking out for me and lending a helping hand. They have been mowing my lawn for the last 9 years and have also delivered food on occasion. I have an uncle and aunt locally who take turns helping when needed in a variety of ways. People in my situation need what independence they can get to prevent further suffering with guilt and feeling like a burden.

December 1, 2015 According to my records I didn’t see my urologist on this date? So once again misinformation on reporting. Although I have a very active history with kidney stones and surgeries that started in July 2009. To date I have had at least 10 surgeries since 2009 to remove stones including; 3 cystoscopy, 5 percutaneous nephrolithotomy’, bilateral nephrolithotomy (2014), and most recently uteroscopy on December 5, 2017. I continue to produce many stones despite having my kidneys cleared over and over. My most recent ultrasound/scan was January 9, 2018 showing multiple stones and mild right side hydronephrosis. My calcium levels have remained normal since the parathyroid surgery on December 16, 2015, yet I continue to produce regular stone formations.

Completely eliminated from the findings and distorted was the events with I.T.P. I contacted my hematologist to order blood labs on November 2, 2015 after noticing petechiae. My platelet count was found to be 0 and I was hospitalized November 2, 2015 thru November 10, 2015 for a bone marrow biopsy, platelet transfusions, treated with IVIG, and followed up with rituximab for 6 weeks. By February 22, 2016 my platelets increased to 103 and remained fairly stable for my situation; averaging around 100. At most recent appointment on May 22, 2019 they were 94 which is still low, however, acceptable given my history that has been resistant to increase.

I. T. P. @ OSF Saint Anthony

Most of the month of December 2015 was spent at Mayo clinic evaluating my severe and complicated issues with adverse reactions and resistance to medications, to determine if there were additional options in the event rituximab failed to improve my platelets. January 25, 2016 Once again resumed the habit of passing more kidney stones on a fairly regular basis, despite normal calcium levels. Doctors have failed to advise of any treatment for this manifestation and continue to promote drinking more water; which I remain conscience of with no impact.

March 17, 2016 Had appointment with an allergist to further diagnose reactions with multiple medications, to determine alternate treatment options in my complex case. My seasonal allergy complaints were the least of my problems as I tolerate them by being proactive and trying to avoid triggers. Comparing seasonal allergies with drug allergies is irrational and there is no comparison. Doctors don’t prescribe mold or tree pollen and you don’t die from them either. It was determined I had significant abnormalities with polymorphism’, which also explained the severe reaction developed to prednisone, including seizures and worsening of condition when trying to decrease very aggressive doses in 2007, while treating optic neuritis. They had previously prescribed methotrexate and remicade in order to discontinue 14+ years of high dose prednisone and relieve an accumulated 4 years of cushing syndrome.

March 2016 I had started to feel better enough to explore trying to work again. I naively started searching for different employment options. I had a couple interviews during a period of about 6 months with no results, so July 2016 I decided to become an independent distributor for the Juice Plus company; understanding the value of whole nutrition and the health benefits it provided. In addition, I hoped I could earn some income too. I have remained a distributor but have failed to obtain legitimate earnings and continue to hope I will eventually reap some financial rewards for my efforts. I also have been open and continue seeking other opportunities for home based work with residual income, accommodating my quickly changing and unpredictable body, while avoiding stress and deadlines.

April 15, 2016 I wasn’t having any concerning issues, therefore did not require any medication involvement to solve detrimental symptoms. I had decided to start seeking alternative methods of healing based on evidence, instead of the same approach that lead to running out of FMLA and losing my job. It is completely false I denied all treatments; as the only treatments that were suggested were for future exacerbation. Medications have failed me and left me in a desperate situation with my health. It is a complete fabrication that I denied any treatment options as noted April 15, 2016 (6F/23). I did not refuse all treatments, I exhausted the use of many medications after they no longer improved my condition. I refused further immune suppression because I am not insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Medications work temporary at best. It would be further risk to my health to add immune suppression to an already severely suppressed immune system. Furthermore immune suppression does not remove scar tissue or address the multiple issues such as kidney stones; it would be adding insult to injury. I have been trying to resurrect my immune system since losing my employment in 2015 with no success at this point. Over twenty two years of chemo medications have done what they were designed to do, while never preventing the many hospitalizations and even multiplying the problems. The only answer the medical community has for my condition is immune suppression, which goes against biologic science and sanity. The world is so conditioned to believe a pill is the answer for everything and disregards root cause, complications, or risks. Sarcoidosis is not something you treat, it is the life threatening symptoms that are treated. The ignorance of this disease does not go unnoticed.

August 1, 2016 As typical I passed one of the many kidney stones in my history that never involved the ER. Emergency rooms are for emergencies. Based on the amount of kidney stones I have passed, it no longer constitutes an emergency and proves a foolish use of resource. Newsflash…… when you are passing a kidney stone the pain can be so intense you can’t even leave your bed, let alone the house. Furthermore there is nothing the ER can do besides charge outrageous fees and hand out pain medication like candy. With experience comes knowledge and you learn how to cope. Applying peppermint oil topically and laying flat has been my approach to tolerating the pain that is triggered by stone movement. You also develop a very high pain tolerance with experience. Pain medication will only cause additional concerns; see any drug information profile. Maybe I need to provide all the picture documentation of several of the kidney stones passed these last few years; since without visual reference it’s easy to ignore? I imagine people think I am crazy for collecting these kidney stone events, however, it seems to be the only way to get the message across about the problem.

Kidney Stone Documentation

August 12, 2016 it was reported as being asymptomatic and I’m wondering of which multiple issue? I certainly wasn’t kidney stone free or cured of ITP and Primary Immune Deficiency during that period, or any other for that matter and all my lab results concur this finding.

October 7, 2016 (6F/7) I have episodic breathing and cough that is dependent on several factors; including environmental toxins and acute infections. Having various roaming health conditions that happen independently, do not exclude the continuous and persistent abnormalities. My overall condition is episodic in nature with varying degrees and impacted by nutrition, sleep, and stress avoidance; which are crucial to avoiding further immune triggers . Being proactive and choosing intentional behaviors has been a requirement for avoiding any major setbacks. Something as simple as a bug bite could create havoc in my body.

February 7,2017 (7F/24) There is clearly some confusion indicating treatment and improvement? Completely false and misleading, as far as nervous system involvement is concerned; that didn’t develop until later. September 1, 2017 my local neurologist ordered an MRI after an initial visit in August because of ongoing issues including; headaches,numbness and tingling in both feet, right arm, and burning in feet. She preferred to consult and partner with my neurologist at Loyola who had history with my situation but was farther away. A suitable treatment was eventually denied by insurance after several attempts to get it covered. I have been adjusting and dealing with the issues the best way possible with no source of income. I felt some benefit after several chiropractic treatments, however still experience these symptoms periodically upon exertion and am unable to sustain the treatments because of insufficient funds. As typical governments don’t understand budgets and that you can’t just steal service’ when broke. Something the government doesn’t seem to have a grasp on based on every area of waste,abuse, and debt.

March 17, 2016 Misrepresentation with ” the claimant reported experiencing side effects from medications.” Polymorphism and adverse reactions are not insignificant “side effects” but rather life threatening. The report was clearly included in the documentation from the allergist at Mayo clinic and was explained. It has been a miracle surviving a-plastic anemia in 2013 and my immune system has never recovered to anywhere near being able to support my immune system. I suggest a lesson in pharmacology would be necessary to make a determination.

March 9, 2017 (20F/45,58,73,114;22F) Although I was currently having minimal issues, there seems to be another misinterpretation regarding chronic illness? It has been status quo the last 4 years, so regardless of not having major life threatening symptoms, I have remained immune suppressed and carrying kidney stones; causing degrees of nephrolithiosis . In what warped reality is “not worse” equivalent to “better”? Being able to prioritize sleep with inconsistent sleep patterns and avoiding stress have been an essential part of maintaining any further involvement of disease. In addition, the notes were obviously wrong; it’s called human error. I was previously a pharmacy technician and maintained my license until its expiration in March 2017. It’s still not relevant to the current situation so apparently assumptions were made? I haven’t worked as a pharmacy technician since being released from my employment September 27, 2015. The IRS can affirm this fact.

March 23, 2017 My body decided to start attacking and the target was iron deficiency; a 6 week course of iron infusions were initiated.

September 1, 2017 As stated previously, this was the beginning of increased nervous system involvement and treatment eventually being denied. Neurologist ordered MRI after initial visit in August because of ongoing issues including; headaches,numbness and tingling in feet, right arm, and burning in feet. She preferred partnering with my Neurologist at Loyola who had more history with my situation but was farther away. A suitable treatment was eventually denied by insurance after several attempts to get it covered. I have been adjusting and dealing with the issues the best way possible with no source of income. Not working has been part of the necessary adjustment.

November 22,2017 After preparing for bed and bathing I had an episode similar to previous experience’ with seizures. I became concerned enough to investigate if the noted brain lesions 2 months prior were getting worse, due to inability to access treatment, so I went to the ER for assessment.

January 9, 2018 Better is very subjective when dealing with the spectrum of ailments involved with my condition. Of course I felt better after my uteroscopy; it relieved pressure from nephrolithiosis and stone blockage of urine. I didn’t feel the amount of pain resorted to a strong opioid medication and was able to utilize tylenol to tolerate pain. I have earned a high pain tolerance!

If medical evidence does not support my disability it is because of failures on those assessing them and it was either ignored or misrepresented. Based on all the discrepancy I found in the findings, it explains human error, unrealistic standards, or malice. Knowing individuals much younger, healthier, and able to work that have been collecting disability, while I am denied despite the abundant evidence is insulting and demeaning. I have been dealing with a chronic illness marathon for over 25 years. Income is required to pursue any serious attempt of improvement with functional medicine. If there was even minimal effort to understand the severity of my condition, it should be obvious. I most likely won’t even reach standard retirement age. The government has no business making claims I am able to do something when reality and facts prove otherwise. I want to work again but that can’t happen until I get resolve of major health issues. I am a motivated person at the mercy of my body and shouldn’t be at the mercy of the government too. The inconsistency involved with this process is just another example of ineffective government and also explains the ignorance associated with illness and health care. This decision also affirms I made the right decision ending my legal representation. Talk about manipulation of facts and inaccuracy. Another incorrect documentation was in regards to my representation. At my initial hearing I was represented by Andrew Locke and not James Greeman, as reported in the findings summary. Details matter in this process. The deficiency’s in this determination prove to be sloppy. Taking events out of the context numerous times distorts the entire picture and is dishonest. This only covers the cliff notes of my journey with neurosarcoidosis too.

Government corruption runs deep and includes the social security administration. I certainly feel as though I am in a similar position as Donald Trump with the Mueller investigation and can relate to the similarities of this corrupt government process. The social security nazi’s need to be exposed and drained! It should be a private entity owned by “We the People”. It’s obvious the government can’t be trusted and why legal assistance is necessary for this process. Leave it to me to always have to learn the hard way and take the most difficult road. The government will probably be the death of me but can only hope it will be used by God for His purpose. Maybe they need to reevaluate my psyche evaluation because apparently I’m delusional to believe that my condition is severe and prevents gainful employment? Apparently I just identify with my symptoms but shouldn’t that be enough? Seems to me transgender people have more rights than the chronically ill. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise given how backwards and insane our society has become. Heaven help me because there is no place like home and I don’t seem to fit in this world anywhere. I need an intervention and a second chance at life again. I have had several people tell me I should write a book and after this, I feel I just might have written a chapter and closer to that reality.

Exploitation of Evil

The media is a tool used by the devil as stories of spiritually broken individuals seeking affirmation have become the latest news. Depravity sells and has been conditioning weak minds. As I was watching the local evening news, they have been covering stories highlighting and promoting events in June for LGBTQ month? Needless to say, I couldn’t help but find the absurdity in this idea that sexuality would have any significance in a persons identity and how completely illogical life has evolved. We live in a world that is in constant pursuit of exploitation and division; based on choice’ not what actually defines an individual. In addition, it feeds the neediness of the ego, providing a narrative that acceptance requires celebration in order to feel good about oneself. The reality is it reveals the natural symptom of insecurity when ignoring the conscience created by God. It also explains the deficit of understanding how value is created by the price paid on the cross for ALL, regardless of acknowledgment or acceptance of this gift.

Rather than mourning over sin, the world redefines it, or worse, celebrates it. ~ John MacArthur

News article reporting on pride event.

The irony can’t go unnoticed? When the curator comments ” I wanted everyone to feel like they were included.” Does she understand that designating an event to a select group of people is an oxymoron to all and opposite of “inclusive”? Can you imagine the uproar if there was a month dedicated to celibacy, or heterosexual’s? The idea that a month should be dedicated to a particular group, based upon a proprietary decision, to feel accepted; seems ridiculous to any sane person. This concept lacks spiritual boundaries or rational thinking. The only power another person has over somebody else’s identity, would have to be given away by the owner. The only force that takes is satan. It is a sure sign that satan is involved in this movement and should be a diagnosis of mental illness; that I would term as identity dysphoria. I believe the world creates many forms of this condition of the heart; as a result of being at odds with the flesh or physical. It might include anything from size,age,orientation, status or even tatoo’s; none of which add any true value to our identity. It literally takes one thing, the Love of Christ to experience a sense of worth; the rest is worldly deception. Of course it takes experience and growth to learn this truth. There is true spiritual freedom when you are no longer attached to labels and choose to give control to your Creator. He has the plans and ultimately knows us better than we possibly can. Spiritual growth can and will be painful, therefor it is the tendency of the flesh to resist and result in bondage.

  John 10:10 New International Version (NIV)
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Which will you choose?

I know Christ and Satan because I’ve experienced both of their “fruits” extensively while roaming the earth for almost 47 years. It has resulted in a decision to choose Christ and guard my body/soul at the first implication of evil. In order to understand or even recognize evil, it requires knowledge of the Bible and relationship with Christ. When you mature and become comfortable with the Word or documentation of insightful instructions, the consequence becomes obvious which “fruit” is dedicated to life, liberty, and the pursuit of JOY. I must admit I suspect I have received or developed a spiritual gift of discerning spirits that has grown over time. I guess I naively believe it can be taught and strengthened as with any other relationship. So naturally my desire is to share and teach what I have learned through the challenges I have encountered. In fact, I firmly believe disappointment breeds from not understanding how we were created and having false expectations. I would even challenge that expectations are a product of the devil, starting with the serpent in the Garden of Eden. You never know what you have, until it has been lost.

  Romans 5:3-4 New International Version (NIV)
Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
  John 15:18-25 New International Version (NIV)
The World Hates the Disciples
18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’[a] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21 They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. 22 If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 Whoever hates me hates my Father as well. 24 If I had not done among them the works no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. As it is, they have seen, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. 25 But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: ‘They hated me without reason.’[b]

As the days seem to draw darker and darker, you cannot escape the evidence of spiritually damaged people everywhere on social media, in the form of comments including: projection,cognitive dissonance (confusion is a product of satan),gas lighting,blame, and denial. Trump is the official scapegoat of social media and it exemplifies irony when you truly understand psychology and spiritual energy. Trump was ultimately allowed and chosen by a sovereign Lord to be President. He is hated by the media and everything associated with the world, however, is in good company according to the author and redeemer. The idea that he holds such power by those screaming and crying is outrageous and fueled by depravity. Your life is always a reflection of your spiritual condition driven by free will. If your life has no JOY, it is because you lack JOY and disconnected from the source; it is an undeniable consequence of relationship with the Holy Spirit.

Bondage To Medical Witchcraft

And So It Begins the fear mongering and conditioning.

I get so tired of the propaganda, fear mongering, and misinformation surrounding the safety of vaccines while so easily conforming to the worldly practices. I am very passionate about human biology, research, and believe God assigned me to work in pharmacy for nearly 15 years for a reason. God created our immune system for survival and is the One who ultimately decides when our time is finished here on earth. I want to encourage more initiative of understanding the God given miracle we have been given access and decrease blind faith in pharmakeia aka witchcraft.

We are sicker than ever as a society and the reasons become obvious when you actually understand the problems and apply the wisdom of the Lord. If you weren’t familiar with the term iatrogenic death, you had been missing a major concern and danger to your well being. In addition the terms “dirty genes” or “epigenetics” should mean something to you. We are being killed by idolatry of medicine. Our society arrogantly believes men in white coats and scientists know more about our bodies and can protect us better than our Awesome God. I know through experience this is not the case and Christ is faithful. Listen, I get it because it took me over 22 years of the conventional path and losing everything to be emptied and finally discover my devotion and determination to seeking something different. I have survived influenza b, pneumonia, shingles, and M.A.C. lung disease, to name just a few things, all while immune suppressed. I have been living in bondage to medicine for over 25 years and on a slow path to finding true healing. It certainly hasn’t been easy and it can be discouraging how long it is taking for recovery. It is a constant battle against the mainstream indoctrination and conditioning, however, it also explains the necessary obstacles, time, and preparation that needed to occur on the journey to true heath in hopes of overcoming the world. I would never violate another person’s sovereign ability to choose their path; my goal is to educate and get people interested in empowering themselves with knowledge, to allow informed consent of their health. I also realize it is a lot to take in for the average person and why I feel it is my responsibility to be of service, document, and share for others, so it isn’t so daunting of a task.

Iatrogenic Death is the 3rd leading cause of death

Chicken Pox (Varivax) – Shedding (Section 5.4)…/pi…/v/varivax/varivax_pi.pdf

Shingles (Zostavax} – Shedding (Section 5.2)…/pi…/z/zostavax/zostavax_pi2.pdf

MMR Shedding (Page 5, Under Precaution)…/pi_circulars/m/mmr_ii/mmr_ii_pi.pdf

Rotavirus (Rotarix)- Shedding (Section 5.4)…/documents/ROTARIX-PI-PIL.PDF

Smallpox (ACAM2000) – Shedding (Section 5.4)…/vac…/approvedProducts/UCM142572.pdf

Detection of Measles Virus RNA in Urine Specimen from Vaccine Recipients

The Emerging risks of live virus & virus vectored vaccines…/Live-Virus-Vaccines-and-Vaccine…

What’s shedding?…/secondary…/comment-page-1/

Flu (FluMist Intranasal) – Shedding (Section 5.4)…/Vac…/ApprovedProducts/UCM123743.pdf

The graphic here shows the majority of current live virus vaccines and the links to the package insert position that discusses shedding:

But does that REALLY happen? Yes. Yes it can and does as these studies illustrate:

Varicella transfer after vaccine to pregnant mom: ;

Pub Med article on Rotavirus shedding:

Mumps Vaccine sheds:

Mumps vaccine sheds:

Measles virus sheds for 1-13 days after vaccination: ;

Mumps outbreak in Netherlands linked to those vaccinated twice with MMR:

Measles vaccinated child responsible for outbreak in British Columbia:…/EE/V18N49/art20649.pdf

New York Measles outbreak linked to vaccinated:…/2014/02/27/cid.ciu105

Measles outbreak among the vaccinated:

We don’t know for certain how long shedding occurs because we don’t test for it long term or regularly but in rare instances, it has gone on for years:…/story…/story.html

Additionally, the Dtap/Tdap that is NOT live vaccine has been shown by the FDA to cause the vaccinated to become asymptomatic carriers whenever exposed to the bacteria for both pertussis and diphtheria, thus spreading the illness without knowing

Pertussis carrier:…/PressAnnouncements/ucm376937.htm

Diphtheria carrier:

You can also find that most medical facilities are aware of this. Johns Hopkins and St. Jude hospitals are just a few of many who post precautions for recently vaccinated visitors as pictured. Check out the chicken pox vaccine sign as well.

Vaccines spread disease.

Pertussis lives in the throats of the recently vaccinated, making them asymptomatic carriers who can (and do) spread the disease:…/PressAnnouncements/ucm376937.htm

Rotavirus vaccine fecal shedding:…/pii/S0264410X11004567

Transmission of Vaccine Derived Polio Virus

Polio shedding:

Transmission of vaccine derived mumps:

More vaccine mumps transmission:

Transmission of vaccine derived varicella:

More transmission of vaccine varicella:

Varicella shedding:

More rotavirus shedding:
(All sources from FDA or Pubmed)

Fear can be an ultimate teacher if you are willing to learn from the best teacher; which is the Bible. Fear also reveals who or what we depend upon. The Bible’s teachings have so much to say about fear and none of it is good or something to answer to. Choose this day whom you will serve and I pray it will never start or end in fear.

Matthew 10:26 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
Whom to Fear
26 “So have no fear of them; for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, and nothing secret that will not become known.
Where does your knowledge come from?

Hatred for Trump is Demonically Inspired

Just Amen! #Truth #IntercessorPrayers

Absolute Truth from the Word of God

I wrote this piece over a year ago.  I felt led to bring it out once again.

Original article:

Jews are expected to be liberal and vote Democrat – end of discussion.

Well, in my life that certainly was not the end of the discussion. After I was born again in 1983, my world view, my politics; everything that I was taught to believe as a Jew went up in smoke.  I was no longer a liberal. I could not reconcile liberal views with the Word of God.  It was a dramatic change for me and I knew that it had to be God Himself transforming me into His new creation.


Even before I was saved, I knew that abortion was evil. I wrote an article a couple of years ago, in which I revealed the pain, sorrow and torment I experienced when I was told that if I…

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Incurable Faith

Holistic Health Explained

I often have this recurring thought, you don’t know what you don’t know. I know health because I know illness and my struggles have lead me on a journey to learning and incredible spiritual growth. I have also discovered health care has nothing to do with actual health and that the government should not have any control of the debacle; which they know nothing about. Not only did I work in “health care”, specifically pharmacy, for nearly 15 years, I have currently experienced the industry extensively for over 25 years dealing with my chronic illness. If it was effective I would not be sick for over half of my existence and experience the progression of disease, which has included Neurosarcoidosis,Primary Immune Deficiency, I.T.P, G.E.R.D, and C.O.P.D to diagnose parts of the multiplying dysfunctions. I have survived over 25 years of conventional medicine because I have boldly chosen to seek Christ and rely on faith to direct my decisions and it didn’t happen overnight or doing what was typical. From the beginning of my illness the treatments never made sense, however, like most people I had to learn the hard way. It took time and patience to break free from the status quo. Experience has always been the best teacher. If I had remained on the conventional medicine course I would be dead and I am not being over dramatic either. I can recall several critical moments, however, 2012 was when it became imperative the need to change course. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Even now, still being severely immune suppressed the last 6 years, you recognize the miracle of living and the obvious understanding that God ultimately decides when our mission is accomplished and our earthly term is finished. Our unknowing is limitless and provides for a thirst for understanding. The Bible instructs that if you cling to life you will lose it and explains a lot about my journey. We are body and spirit, yet often forget how they are connected.

John 3:6 New International Version (NIV)
Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[a] gives birth to spirit.

Mark 5:26 New International Version (NIV)
26 She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

The first Biblical principle that has been ingrained is to try and honor my body as a temple. Nothing about medication honors our body and actually goes completely against it by manipulating the God given biologic chemistry. If you’ve ever read all the potential side effects for the common drugs and think there is anything life giving, you’ve been conditioned by the world. The author of death,stealing, and destruction is satan. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone; then you try and find it. We have inherited a mysterious and divine body upon birth. The Bible is the manual but we have been conditioned to believe it operates on auto pilot. Disease isn’t a random or unexplained occurrence; it’s just learning human biology hasn’t been a priority in society. Also ego likes to insist we don’t make mistakes. I have always had a passion for health but unfortunately or fortunately it took developing a chronic illness to become almost obsessed with understanding what is hidden. Since nearly approaching the 4th year anniversary of developing influenza b, that would become the ending of my employment and beginning of the unknown, it has been my mission to conquer my health and figure out how my current situation is part of a process and preparing for something more, that couldn’t be seen from where I was left. This world is filled with deception and nearsightedness. The Bible acts as spiritual glasses for clarity in a world filled with darkness. I’m constantly amazed how easily people ingest substances or foods despite potential consequences that apparently my body screams loudly to. Besides for my insight on endocrine disruptor’s and alcohol being in that category, I can’t think of a single advantage to drinking alcohol, in fact, just the opposite, it stimulates insulin in the body which in turn creates inflammation. I’ve learned that inflammation is my enemy!

” It can be extremely easy to live a life of comfort. A life in which the choices we make are made solely based on what is easiest, benefits us quickest, and is most convenient. Be assured that a life that is truly lived includes many of the following: bumps, laughter, bruises, joy, discomfort, success, heartache. Often times, where you want to be is not where you are called to be. Going where you are called is certainly not always pleasant or perfect but it is always beautiful and good.” ~Sidewalk Prophets 3/25/19#thesesimpletruthstour #swpfamily #beencouraged

Living with an invisible illness enlightens you to the major deception you must face living. The deception comes from everywhere and everyone; including many doctors. It requires having strong communication skills with an ability to convey symptoms that at times seem unusual, even peculiar, to those who have never lived it. The forsaken reality is, seeing is believing and not seeing is not believing. It is why I eventually started documenting my very unique, or as doctors remarked, my complex case. As I look back and read my medical records the gratitude sinks deeper of the strength and perseverance that has accompanied this battle which can’t be seen. The characteristics you obtain on this journey are priceless and the cost is great but the value is greater; which often seems unnoticed by the rest of the world sometimes. Invisible illness has revealed learning deeper truths in every area of life, but particularly the curiosity of the soul and it’s Creator.

Simple Truths

I don’t believe in coincidence and as I reflect upon my life I can recognize a significant soul pattern that surrounds Lent and throughout the Easter and Spring season. It is a bitter sweet time that almost replicates the synergy and significance of the origin of the resurrection event. Once again this year has started the typical pattern and am feeling confident time will produce similar transformation and new life or deeper passion for my purpose. Like clockwork on March 6, 2019 and the combination of Ash Wednesday seemed to produce the start of a darkness and also inspiration; similar to the story of the Cross. The darkness was my usual health challenges that seemed to worsen but also divinely leading to the Sidewalk Prophets facebook page to see a post about their tour and volunteering to promote it. Talk about excitement to learn not only were they touring within an hour of me but also that I could have the privilege of a guest and myself gaining access to the concert at no charge! Interestingly enough it also was the day before my nephews 9th birthday and for health reasons would miss his party the following weekend. I hadn’t gotten him a gift because of my lack of income but also never been interested in material “stuff”; so it seemed obvious this concert would make an absolutely perfect post birthday and Easter gift of a life time, if my nephew was interested and my brother and his wife would allow him on this adventure. So Friday I finally got the courage to leave a voice message on my brothers phone and to my surprise I received a call yesterday that it could happen. I think this will be my nephews first Christian concert. So it allows me an opportunity to be the sweet,cool, and fun aunt that I strive to be. 🙂 But truly I think this could be such a wonderful spiritual experience for both of us! Not too long ago I had learned my nephew, at his young age, was involved in counseling. It devastated the empath in me, while understanding the inevitable generational and dysfunctional dynamics . My nephew Matthew has always had such a heart of gold and is such a good kid; at least from my spiritual perspective and it has also seemed that his parents have made it hard for him to be a child or make any mistakes. You know the typical conditional love epidemic that produces feelings of not being good enough? My diagnosis would be legalism; they go to church often and are “works” oriented. “Of course, what would I know, not being a parent myself?” My answer would be I’ve been a child that lived a similar situation. Anyway, I just feel so much in my element because music speaks so much to my soul and suspect it touches the heart of many the same way; including my nephew. I know SWP music speaks very much to my soul experience’ and comforts and inspires growing. I am thrilled with this opportunity to be part of the SWP family. It has felt completely organic from the beginning interacting with Darlene Francis on the promotions team. I feel somehow found like only Christ can do and can only hope that my nephew can experience that kind of depth in his life. All the previous struggles might reveal my role and purpose, in addition, so humbling. I have always had such a natural desire to create deep soul filling experience’ throughout my life.

    I don't know where to go from here- It all used to seem so clear- I'm  finding I can't do this on my own- I don't know where to go from here-  As long as I know that You are near- I'm done fighting I'm finally  letting go- I will trust in You- You've never failed before- I will  trust in You- If there's a road I should walk- Help me find it- If I  need to be still -Give me peace for the moment- Whatever Your will-  Whatever Your will- Can you help me find it- Can you help me find it- I'm giving You fear and You give faith- I giving you doubt You give me grace For every step- I've never been alone- Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way- Even in the valley- I will say With every breath- You've never let me go- I will wait for You- You've never failed before- I will wait for You- If there's a road I should walk- Help me find it- If I need to be still- Give me peace for the moment- Whatever Your will- Whatever Your will- Can you help me find it- Can you help me find it 
Help Me Find It ~Sidewalk Prophets

The Words I Would Say ~Sidewalk Prophets

Regarding Sexual Desires… Part One


Fresh Manna - Bible Devotions By Tim Burt

Fresh Manna
by Pastor Tim Burt

Romans 6:13 (TLB) says, “Do not let any part of your bodies become tools of wickedness, to be used for sinning; but give yourselves completely to God—every part of you—for you are back from death and you want to be tools in the hands of God, to be used for His good purposes.”

That’s pretty straight forward isn’t it? And did you catch the words “…every part of you…?”  That includes your eyes, your hands, your mind and imagination and so much more. You can’t use them for sin. God gave them to you to use for good—for His plans and purposes.

It’s seems polar opposite of what the world teaches today. The world wants to teach us that life is a sexual free-for-all where everything is okay and anything goes. 20 and 30 years ago, that evil looked tame compared to today. We…

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Valentine’s Epiphany

Believing in Love Again
When I was a child I enjoyed Valentines day

For me Valentine’s day was a holiday I celebrated and enjoyed as a child; where you bought or made greetings to put in a decorated mailbox and send to every boy and girl in your class. As an adult it lost it’s flavor because it represented shallow displays of affection like flowers,chocolate, and romance; which seemed to lack the kind of Love with substance that I had come to understand and desire.

Corinthians 13:4-7 New Living Translation (NLT)

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Although the timing wasn’t planned, I found myself ending my relationship with my ex-fiance on Valentine’s day 1995 and then another guy I had dated a week before Valentine’s day 2004, when I discontinued dating all together. I believe now that it was a result of this particular season emphasizing the disconnect between the Love I felt and the limited capacity my previous relationships offered. It was a time when I lost interest in continuing to go through the motions and decided I was no longer interested in the stale kind of love that lacked boundaries and was readily available. After my ex-fiance finally got married in April 2012 I started having conflicting thoughts that maybe I had been holding out for something that didn’t exist in this world? As a result I started carrying this burden that I had possibly made a mistake and my standards were unrealistic.

It was February 14, 2015 when all that changed and all because of a movie.

It was a Saturday and I was on my way to a hair appointment when I was listening to K-LOVE Radio and heard the advertisement for the movie audio trailer. I was instantly intrigued and when I returned home I started searching online for movie information. It was probably an hour later I was on my way to go see Old Fashioned. It was must see for me and I do not attend movies on a regular basis. This movie pulled on my heart strings and mysteriously released me from uncertainty about my past. I am forever in love with this movie!

So 2015 was the beginning of letting go of the past in virtually every aspect of my life. This little indie movie somehow managed to release something deep inside my soul and challenged me to come out from hiding my “different” heart at just the right time. It has continued to provide support and profoundly relatable insight into my journey. It even allowed me to travel approximately 8 hours to New Philadelphia, Ohio, solo again after 25 years, for a fan gathering to watch the movie in October and explore where it was filmed. I also had the privilege of meeting the creator/maker of this beautiful story and many others involved in it’s production. As a result of the facebook fan page I have been connected to a community who shares my values and soul; it carries me through and encourages. My heart and identity belongs to everything that “Old Fashioned” represents. So many details of the movie hold memories that compliment my life. As I was again watching the film I was struck again as I watched the scene where Amber and Clay discussed the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”. I watched the movie 25 years ago with my ex-fiance in Mobile,Alabama on the trip that I got engaged to him. I could go on and on about subtle triggers in the movie that provoked familiar feelings of home.

Your identity will be tied to whatever you give your heart to.” ~The Kendrick Brothers

Movie ticket for viewing in New Philadelphia, Ohio at the Quaker Theater

I love how this movie has inspired me to believe in love again! It has brought new meaning to Valentine’s day for me. At this point I honestly have no idea if I will end up finding another individual to share my heart with in this world but I am able to Love from my whole heart for the first time and it feels wonderful to live, Love, and enjoy Valentine’s day again! “Old Fashioned” is so much more than a movie, it is a movement! A movement of simplicity,authenticity,purity,depth, and grace.

Social Insecurity

With the partial government shutdown and absence of those impacted not receiving a paycheck spreading over the mainstream news, it has revealed a crises in society on many levels. It is a crises that begins with a spiritual void and results in entitlement,gluttony,idolatry, and most importantly lack of wisdom, sacrifice, and responsibility. It exposes a government dependency that has been manufactured by very weak people who have submitted their power to an idol.

As a conservative who has always supported limited government with my vote, it angers me but also reveals something deeper in myself; that I can be grateful for. You see, I have been in a battle with the bureaucracy of social security disability for nearly 3 years, with no substantial income. I worked and had social security taken from my checks for approximately 29 years and after the progression of my chronic illness and losing my job, the government gets to decide whether I qualify to have my money returned when I am unable to maintain employment? I have endured over 25 years with neurosarcoidosis; several episodes with brain lesions which have left me with residual nystagmus and occasional verbal deficiency from previous 2.5 inch brain lesion that caused aphasia, over 22 years of immune suppression and chemo drugs resulting in primary immune deficiency, I.T.P., C.O.P.D., S.I.B.O., cholengitis with gall bladder removal, and chronic kidney stones with 10 kidney stone operations presently. I have managed to reverse secondary hypothyroid being diligent and prioritizing health concepts that work would compromise. Still after all this evidence I am denied having any limitations that would impair my ability to work by government standards? It is business as usual for the government run nightmare and nobody gives a second thought about those at their most vulnerable time who are unexpectedly inflicted with this battle. Yet God forbid some federal worker might have to wait for a paycheck or not have to work and get paid for an undetermined amount of time. Last time I checked, this is the reality of life for all! Somehow politics gets to determine that federal workers are an exception to the unexpected reality of life? By the way, it is all propaganda because I recently learned GOVERNMENT WORKERS CAN GET THEIR PAYROLL FROM THEIR LOCAL BANK BY SHOWING THEIR FEDERAL ID!!!! THE LOAN IS INTEREST FREE AND WILL BE PAID BACK BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ONCE IT REOPENS. What a deal!

There are many people who do not have the luxury of a steady income; any entrepreneur work like farming, writing, coaching, musicians, or home business’ depend on many factors to receive a profit. Nothing in life is guaranteed; not even your ability to perform. At any moment you could end up with an illness or victim to an accident preventing you from making money. We are at the mercy of the universe and why we need a Savior. The government does not have any exclusive rights to resource’. It is why there are religious organizations that provide charity available. When the government claims this type of power over people it is also taking it away from Christ. The Bible explains satan as a thief and therefore satan is clearly active in the government.

 John 10:10 New International Version (NIV) 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

It is quite unbelievable to me that there are people who do not have the basic insight on how to live effectively; standards like not spending money you don’t have, sacrificing for things you want,saving and stewardship of giving your first fruits. Life is all about planting; it doesn’t take much to produce a harvest when you sow into the Lord. The most I have ever made was $27,000 annually when I had a good year and it was an exception. On top of that my average health care expense was typically $5000 annually. If you have never practiced these principles, you wouldn’t know how effective they are. It takes a step of faith but too many cling to comfort and turn to fear when it is lost. Fear is a trap to compromise and selling out to satan and this is where we are in society. It is impossible to have a full life when in bondage to the government. I am so blessed to understand this; so many are lost and eager to become powerless. Living paycheck to paycheck is a choice of bondage and irresponsible. Less truly is more! There is freedom and power in discipline and not conforming to the world. The best thing we can do is deny ourselves.

Good stewardship leads to flourishing, which is characterized by well-being, thriving, and abundance. It is the way God created all things before the fall, as well as what he will restore when Christ returns. In the parable of the talents, Jesus teaches that everyone is to maximize the gifts that he is given in order to contribute to the flourishing of the world (Matt. 25:14-30).

It should be no mystery how God provides in my time of need. In fact, I would have never even realized His faithfulness and provision had I never been put into this challenging situation. I cannot emphasize enough the privilege I have had growing up with a purpose driven grandfather and having the Biblical wisdom instilled into my world. My grandfathers legacy is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only am I able to live in the house he built to shelter me but I have the amazing values and wisdom that has been the foundation of my soul. Life giving lessons based on the “Laws of Reciprocity”, service, learning, and setting myself apart from the desires of this world. I learned early on that less is truly more. It’s strange how basic principles like these are lost on so many. Life comes down to choice’s and in an unpredictable world we should have the freedom to accept the consequence of our choice’s. They are indeed what shape us into the depth of our character and strengthen us. Christ is the only thing that results in strength when we are weak; the government is incapable of that power.

When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?Psalm 118:5-6NIV

I can’t help but recognize the path of purpose that God has lead me on and suspect that somehow He wants to use me to expose government and transform it to it’s original intent? Why does the Lord give me such impossible goals? LOL I can’t help but reflect on the preparation and influences. The fact that my favorite Bible verse has always been Phil. 4:13 since early on should be a clue.

Philippians 4:13 New International Version (NIV)
13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.