I didn’t choose to quit working but after almost 15 years with my previous employer, I was released during a battle with my chronic illness. Apparently God decided I needed a time out after 22 years of pushing through health challenges. The current season has ended up being much longer than I ever imagined and at this point I’m not even sure of the duration or what lies ahead. The last 3 years have found me with no consistent income and waiting on approval of social security disability. I finally received a date for my hearing and recently had a phone interview with the attorney I found, in preparation for my hearing. The conversation with him left me with anxiety and insecurity because it reminded me of the shallow perception, discrimination, and lack of understanding the majority of people have regarding illness and health. Healthy people take so much for granted. It takes effort to live with a chronic illness; fighting for life daily. People are blind to what is unseen and it reveals how disconnected they are from our Creator, who cannot be seen. Chronic illness conditions you to live on a much deeper and spiritual level. It also reveals the Supernatural powers you depend on daily. Being intentional is a necessity. It takes a great deal of faith,skill, and determination to live with a life threatening disease and look as good as I do. 😉 All glory to Heaven and my Lord. Many times my mother has accused me of faking her out while sick, however, it is all grace and no act on my part. God makes illness look easy I guess?
Admittedly it can be easier to be perceived as normal when most of the world is either self focused and distracted or under the influence of stress, toxic foods, alcohol, or legalized medications. I am not in the habit of sharing details that could potentially be used against me at some point.The only people that are aware of my brain damage are my doctors and I think they have even forgotten because of time and appearance’ based on supernatural adaptation. Even my family has what I call as health trauma amnesia, because all they seem to recognize is what they currently see? It is not as if I share all the details of my illness or even should. Just this evening as I was vacuuming the rug in my living room by myself my brain was telling that I was brushing the floor. #BlameItOnAphasia #BrainLesionProblems It is moments like this that pop up unexpected on various occasions with no warning. Or all the times my nystagmus gets the best of me and I look like I’m intoxicated because I stumble when moving. These are just some of the daily reminders I am not completely able. It leaves me feeling ashamed knowing all those amazing talents I possess are wasted on others ignorance and expectations. Just as I am able to write this blog; it takes careful and methodical editing, persistence, and time; which the real world doesn’t seem to allow. I haven’t given up restoration or eventually earning passive income yet either, but in the mean time I need some financial stability to go further and obtain my goals.
I don’t want my illness to define me nor am I seeking sympathy either. I would prefer to be understood; which seems unlikely. As I mentioned previously, I’m grateful my impairments are not obvious; it’s hard enough dealing with the discrimination that is invisible. It is a battle that seems impossible to win, having people question your ability to work and ironically now why you aren’t. The power of perception is so fickle! I’m just too intelligent and good looking to be disabled apparently? Yet here I am killing it, even literally!
.Intelligence,personality, and beauty do not dictate a person’s ability to work, accomplish tasks, or follow through. These characteristics make for a desirable resume, but lack in productivity. Any source of income or employment requires consistency; which does not exist or even realistic when challenged with an unpredictable immune dysfunction. Besides the nervous system damage that has occurred, having an immune system that is incapable of protecting me from all the unseen environmental toxins and warfare leaves me sick at the drop of a dime, on top of the typical fatigue. Statistics state that an additional year of life is added to every year while ill. I am constantly being reminded of how good I look for being sick. I will be 46 next month and it has been just over 25 years dealing with my condition ,so that would make me 71; no wonder my body is ready for retirement. I look fabulous for 71! lol Then there are all the kidney stones and surgeries on a very regular basis I deal with. I eventually created a photo album on facebook to start documenting some of the ridiculous journey.
“When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves.”
– Albert Einstein
Well as usual God speaks to my heart through my daily devotional:
” None of us are immune. Life is hard some days. And often there’s not even just one “big” thing, but just lots of little battles that can drain us dry. Parenting, marriage, job, relationships, fears, worries about the future, experiencing loss, discouragement, illness, money problems – it all can leave us beaten down and worn. But, praise God, He gives us one another to help in times when we just feel like, “I can’t anymore…”
“We’re all in this life thing together; let’s help each other today. Give an encouraging word, smile at someone, write a note, send a text, buy someone a coffee, pray for another soul and let them know that you’re praying, anything, just to remind a fellow believer that you’re holding up their battle-weary arms. And that you’re with them.”
And God is with us.
The battle feels intense some days. We get tired and weak, weary and worn. It’s hard to keep going in the face of defeat. But help us to remember that you will never leave us, that you’re our Refuge and our Strength, an ever-present help in trouble. We know that the enemy wouldn’t be fighting so hard against us, if we weren’t making a difference for your Kingdom. He wouldn’t be trying so hard to stop us, if he didn’t think you had so much good still in store. Remind us that the battle belongs to you, and whatever we’re up against can be taken down in one fail swoop by your Mighty Hand. Help us to trust you more, to never waste time spinning our wheels and wrestling or fighting in our strength. Please forgive us Lord for the times we’ve failed to lift our hands to you, for the days we’ve forgotten to come to you first. Fill us with the Power of your Holy Spirit this day. Fill us with your joy, fill us with your wisdom and discernment, fill us with constant reminders that Your Presence will go with us, and you will give us rest.