My Story of Letting Go

My senior year of high school I met Nate, who was a junior and had moved to the area from Alaska. I had worked at a temporary job after school and apparently he had noticed me, according to his friends. He was shy and never approached me. All of my female friends knew of his interest in me and kept encouraging me to date him, because in their words ” he was hot “.  Being a person of depth I thought he was good looking but interest for me was something more. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to get to know him. Being as inquisitive as I am and honestly flattered, I took the initiative to find opportunities to learn about him; one of the ways was sitting at a table with mutual friends on our breaks at Delmonte. It is all so fuzzy 20 years later but I remember going to his house the first time and then going to a local park to go on a hike while talking. It was such a slow and gradual process; I only remember bits and pieces. After spending time with him talking (I remember so much talking/connection) in his car and at his house, yet I can’t remember any place outside his house and car that we went until October? It is not as though we didn’t go anywhere, but rather what memories manage to touch the heart.  About 6 months after hanging out with him, we went to a haunted house on a date, I guess? It became a date to me after standing in line at the haunted house when he grabbed my hand to hold it. I had previous issues with other guys and feeling violated physically so I was cautious. Anyway, it was that moment when I realized I was falling and his timing was perfect.  Nate graduated from high school and  enlisted in the air force and started planning our future. He was off to Texas for basic training and I suddenly was all by myself or at least it felt like it. After basic training Nate’s next assignment was in Biloxi, Mississippi for his technical training and had some freedom for visits. He wanted to see me and I needed to see him too; he kept hinting of a ring. It was July 1993 and we had made arrangements for me to come and visit, so I drove down from Rochelle, IL after being apart for the longest 3 months ever. Nate called me at the Holiday Inn where I told him I would be staying (this was before cell phones and you really had to plan in advance) He needed to know the room number so he could reunite with me; I think it was about 2 minutes later I hear a knock on the door. Being prudent I only opened it with the chain still locked. It was Nate! I was unaware he had called from the front desk. Of course I frantically opened the door and we kissed and embraced like never before! We then headed over to the coach in the room to talk and he pulled out the ring from his pocket and proposed. Talk about being on cloud nine! It was the best week of my life. A month after I had returned from that trip, Labor day weekend, I developed this horrible headache that persisted. A follow up ct scan was eventually scheduled to try and find some answers. The results showed some lesions in my brain and a neurologist referred me to Mayo clinic for further evaluation. After spinal taps, MRI, lung CT and finally a VT lung biopsy the result was determined to be granulomas consistant of sarcoidosis. As a result of my circumstances with the medical issues and stress of the uncertainty I developed a deeper connection to my Savior. He found me at my worst and placed on my heart the need to let go of my romantic relationship and learn what true Love was all about. So I found some shallow reasons to convince myself to return the engagement ring to Nate. We both remained in contact until my second episode of dealing with more lesions involving my brain. Life had gotten so messy, and God prepared me to completely let go. So Nate had called on Valentines Day 1995 and I suggested the need I felt to let go.