Back to Broken Reality

When you are going through a chronic and serious illness, the shallowness of the world really  brings you down. Many of my authentic followers of Christ will understand this and have even written about it as well. I thought I had found mutual understanding in a group that was based on the movie “Old Fashioned” , however, and very sadly at this point, the direction changed or I finally recognized the hearts of some members. I guess once again I am putting up my brick wall? No…,.. in my defense and the character Clay I am guarding my heart. I am using my time wisely; it is not optional when you are living like you are dying and I’m not trying to be over dramatic either. Time is way too precious to allow superficial and fake people to damage your soul further. More and more the word “Love” is all about “ME” and what I need to seek? I just don’t follow that kind of warped disingenuous love. I am also realizing how much I value my married friends; it’s like I’m single with a married soul. It makes sense because I am truly committed to my relationship with my Lord first and staying out of the way of my lack of grace at points. I don’t know but in the wedding vows:  what God has joined together means He does the work. I just have never felt the need to seek what only my creator who designed me knows and His plans and timing. When you become one with God, only then can you be one with another person? I see my married friends as one, I really do! I respect them both in their relationships and value authentic Love that they reciprocate. When you have a pure heart you are kind of like a kid only with boundaries and pure intentions. I am learning once again how people misuse words. Intentional is not the same as manipulative or calculated to me, it is closer to being selfless I think than anything? In everything I do I try and let Jesus do His thing in me; also Shine His light which will attract a similar soul. I think it is working fabulous so far; no regrets, most of them just happen to be married or children. That is why I work hard to do and be what God asks me to be; it’s not my vision or timing. If Satan tries to destroy it, I will still have God, dignity and some quite amazing authentic friends that have invested in my life and I in theirs. I don’t care what you call it, dating or courting, all that matters is Loving and friendship; it is always constant. It is obvious I don’t buy in to the romance thing either; I find it pretty pretentious, unless it is truly planned by the book of the Bible and not the usual book of love, however, I am a champion for Love gone right! I think some very simple things like a photo booth picture from the 1940’s of my grandparents is romantic. But lets face it, what do I know? My answer would hopefully be Jesus. My grandma and grandpa didn’t show physical affection; we never hugged or kissed, it was an unspoken Love with actions that have lasted beyond death. They created two children, so it is not as if they never had physical intimacy; it was just something sacred. Often when I reflect all the sacrifices they have made for me and my security, I want so deeply for them to know how grateful I am for the memories and lessons. Now that’s Old Fashioned! I guess I needed a good cry tonight? If it weren’t for Jesus Christ I wouldn’t know  genuine Love.grandparentsphotobooth1

Old Fashioned Timing

Nates Sr. Prom 1992

Nates Sr. Prom 1992


So as I have written in my story in previous posts; I changed the course of my life on February 14,1995 and officially ended the relationship with my ex-fiance and best friend Nate. It was late 2007 we later reconnected through the internet and facebook to have a heart to heart and transition the relationship in a whole new way as friendship with boundaries. At times it felt awkward for me because Nate had moved on, which I had encouraged him to do. Always trying to do the right thing can be hard but it is a challenge I continually strive for, no matter the pain it brings upon me; after all, I have God who has been providing for my wants and most importantly needs. I had carried very torn feelings about our situation and struggled with my loyalty and caring and also knowing how flawed I could be; wondering still, after all this time if I had made the right choices. It became more apparent that indeed I had when Nate finally married in April 2012. It was especially hard when the world seemed to be operating at a very different standard than mine; so naturally I questioned if what I felt in my heart was realistic? Nate and I had so much in common but…….. initially when I was with him, the relationship brought out all these negative issues; insecurity,jealousy which were obviously not reflective of God. Maybe it was just my age? Or maybe it was Satan’s ploy to break the bond we had? I don’t know but, I also know that Nate had some habits that I was not comfortable with at the time; very controlling and things that touched my core, although, he was patient and tender with me in the beginning and to this day I know there is respect between us despite any mistakes on our part. Maybe we were too similar and we were so young? Anyway I guess those details don’t really matter. Time tells all stories and ironically 20 years to the date February 14, 2015 I saw a movie that I connected to. It touched me in a surreal way and lifted this burden of uncertainty I had carried for 20 years. It sure felt like divine timing and healing in some aspects. The movie “Old Fashioned” in some ways told my story through Clay in 2 ways: 1. Clay (from past) was the type of guy that I always seemed involved with during my high school and college days, as a result of being a cheerleader and pretty by many guys standards. Clay was symbolic of those who used and damaged me. 2) Clay in present day film had reflected the way I had become trying very hard to protect myself from ever becoming used again. The only thing that bothered me was the line Aunt Zella used “using the grace of God as a brick wall” I wasn’t, I don’t think? Was I rigid? Guilty, I stopped dating in 2004 because I could not stand the thought of being violated ever again! However, there was no pride involved in it, just protection. Either way the movie was some how therapeutic and helped me work out feelings of isolation and helped free my soul. Knowing I wasn’t alone in my standards and from that movie outreach finding real people who were living it with me has helped me find peace and hope; as if there could be something more? It is something I definitely lost along the way with my virginity. LOL I guess I feel I somehow regained my self worth and control again in some very mysterious way?
Engaged Pensacola, Fl July 1993

Engaged Pensacola, Fl July 1993