So as I have written in my story in previous posts; I changed the course of my life on February 14,1995 and officially ended the relationship with my ex-fiance and best friend Nate. It was late 2007 we later reconnected through the internet and facebook to have a heart to heart and transition the relationship in a whole new way as friendship with boundaries. At times it felt awkward for me because Nate had moved on, which I had encouraged him to do. Always trying to do the right thing can be hard but it is a challenge I continually strive for, no matter the pain it brings upon me; after all, I have God who has been providing for my wants and most importantly needs. I had carried very torn feelings about our situation and struggled with my loyalty and caring and also knowing how flawed I could be; wondering still, after all this time if I had made the right choices. It became more apparent that indeed I had when Nate finally married in April 2012. It was especially hard when the world seemed to be operating at a very different standard than mine; so naturally I questioned if what I felt in my heart was realistic? Nate and I had so much in common but…….. initially when I was with him, the relationship brought out all these negative issues; insecurity,jealousy which were obviously not reflective of God. Maybe it was just my age? Or maybe it was Satan’s ploy to break the bond we had? I don’t know but, I also know that Nate had some habits that I was not comfortable with at the time; very controlling and things that touched my core, although, he was patient and tender with me in the beginning and to this day I know there is respect between us despite any mistakes on our part. Maybe we were too similar and we were so young? Anyway I guess those details don’t really matter. Time tells all stories and ironically 20 years to the date February 14, 2015 I saw a movie that I connected to. It touched me in a surreal way and lifted this burden of uncertainty I had carried for 20 years. It sure felt like divine timing and healing in some aspects. The movie “Old Fashioned” in some ways told my story through Clay in 2 ways: 1. Clay (from past) was the type of guy that I always seemed involved with during my high school and college days, as a result of being a cheerleader and pretty by many guys standards. Clay was symbolic of those who used and damaged me. 2) Clay in present day film had reflected the way I had become trying very hard to protect myself from ever becoming used again. The only thing that bothered me was the line Aunt Zella used “using the grace of God as a brick wall” I wasn’t, I don’t think? Was I rigid? Guilty, I stopped dating in 2004 because I could not stand the thought of being violated ever again! However, there was no pride involved in it, just protection. Either way the movie was some how therapeutic and helped me work out feelings of isolation and helped free my soul. Knowing I wasn’t alone in my standards and from that movie outreach finding real people who were living it with me has helped me find peace and hope; as if there could be something more? It is something I definitely lost along the way with my virginity. LOL I guess I feel I somehow regained my self worth and control again in some very mysterious way?