Darkness Meets Light

You don’t wait for others to set the tone, you lead by example and have an affinity for helping others. With your personal mantra, ” Be the change you wish to see in the world,” your ultimate goal in life is to make the world a kinder and more habitable place for all.

In this moment I realize why I am a “night owl” ; when the majority of the world is in slumber I find the most peace and calm energy. I’ve always had this ability for energy to encompass me. It’s almost as if I have a stronger and less congested connection to God in the darkness; which actually makes complete sense because God is Light! Of course He would shine in the dark! It is in these moments I find so many thoughts of Heaven in my head, when the rest of the world is in their bed. I discovered another label for myself: Christian Hedonist ( I truly find Joy in Jesus and His word ) I so just want so desperately to know I am serving Him in my employment. Why does this seem to be so unattainable in the world? I also know that is why God has allowed my situation with my health to transpire the way it has recently. It has allowed me to detach from work in a dramatic way and recognize the way my job has been perpetuating all my health issues and draining me spiritually too. I’ve also most recently discovered how I fit with passionate and purpose driven people; it’s all or nothing in my world clearly. I miss working with those types of people! The things you can learn about yourself late at night. Well if anybody happens to have any words of wisdom or insight to share, it’s the reason I am putting it out there. I am a learner and a seeker of wisdom and goodness who realizes my flaw in chasing perfection. Well goodnight all or Good Morning! Today is another day to find me.

Advertisement

Not Alright 2006

I’m Not Alright

I don’t discuss my illness very often because it doesn’t define me and fortunately it typically doesn’t appear very obvious on the outside: it simply reveals all the amazing and miraculous ways God heals and protects. Just yesterday my brother was reflecting with me about the time he lived in California and thought he might be coming home to my funeral. It took me a little while to figure out which episode he was referring to? lol ( it was 2006) I wrote about my experience:Well I spent the last week in Loyola Hospital and got home Good Friday (was it ever, Praise Be To God!). It all started Sunday April 9, 2006’. I had gone to church feeling great and everyone telling me how great and energetic I appeared and in a matter of 3 hours, after preparing for bed, I was completely out of it. I couldn’t remember any phone numbers so I headed to the car door first with much difficulty. After having trouble unlocking the car door, I then tried the house door with no success. So it was back to try the car door again. Somehow my angels got me into the car and over to my uncles house around 1 am and by a miracle my uncle awoke. I was unable to speak. He immediately called my mother and told her to “get here now” They then proceeded to take me into Loyola. I was diagnosed with a 2 and 1/2inch lesion in the left side of my brain; which is responsible for communication. It was my 5th episode and one of the scariest. I was incoherent and couldn’t remember my families or doctor’s names or much of anything. I had aphasia; Satan was after one of my greatest gifts to destroy me because I had been creating way too much good in this world. By the 12th the speech therapist was insisting I have mandatory speech therapy. God conquered and I have come back, or at least well on my way. I passed all the tests they gave me on Friday so they dropped the notion of therapy for now. I have been on very aggressive immune-suppressive therapy (4 to be exact ) and it has shrunk the sarcoidosis lesions. When I was in the hospital I had the best nurses and techs; one even fed to me spiritually and said that she saw that I was blessed. I don’t take my blessings for granted by any means. It is one of the reasons I am compelled to use my voice and communication skills; it also explains my desire to take all these tests  that involve writing/words skills such as spelling,grammar and vocabulary. Every time I achieve a very high score I am praising my Lord and Savior and not trying to boast about my abilities apart from God.

The song that sure does speak to me right now:

Sanctus Real/ I’m not alright

 
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you 

 
 In the end what leaves you broken, makes you better ~Plum