Not Alright 2006

I don’t discuss my illness very often because it doesn’t define me and fortunately it typically doesn’t appear very obvious on the outside: it simply reveals all the amazing and miraculous ways God heals and protects. Just yesterday my brother was reflecting with me about the time he lived in California and thought he might be coming home to my funeral. It took me a little while to figure out which episode he was referring to? lol ( it was 2006) I wrote about my experience:

Well I spent the last week in Loyola Hospital and got home Good Friday (was it ever, Praise Be To God!). It all started Sunday April 9, 2006’. I had gone to church feeling great and everyone telling me how great and energetic I appeared and in a matter of 3 hours after preparing for bed I was completely out of it. I couldn’t remember any phone numbers so I headed to the car door first with much difficulty. After having trouble unlocking the car door, I then tried the house door with no success. So it was back to try the car door again. Somehow my angels got me into the car and over to my uncles house around 1 am; by a miracle my uncle awoke. I was unable to speak. He immediately called my mother and told her to “get there now” They then proceeded to take me into Loyola. I was diagnosed with a 2 and 1/2inch lesion in the left side of my brain, which is responsible for communication. It was my 5th episode and one of the scariest. I was incoherent and couldn’t remember my families or doctor’s names or much of anything. I had aphasia; Satan was after one of my greatest gifts to destroy me because I had been creating way too much good in this world. By the 12th the speech therapist were insisting I have mandatory speech therapy. God conquered and I have come back or at least well on my way and I passed all the tests they gave me on Friday. They dropped the notion of therapy for now. I have been on very aggressive immune-suppressive therapy (4 to be exact ) and it has shrunk the sarcoidosis lesions. When I was in the hospital I had the best nurses and techs; one even fed to me spiritually and said that she saw that I was blessed. I don’t take my blessings for granted by any means. It is one of the reasons I am compelled to use my voice and communication skills; it also explains my desire to take all these tests  that involve writing/words skills such as spelling,grammar and vocabulary. Every time I achieve a very high score I am praising my Lord and Savior; I am not trying to boast about my abilities apart from God.

The song that sure does speak to me right now is by Sanctus Real/ I’m not alright
Chorus I’m not alright, I’m broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you
and Plumb
In the end what leaves you broken, makes you better


Back to Broken Reality

When you are going through a chronic and serious illness, the shallowness of the world really  brings you down. Many of my authentic followers of Christ will understand this and have even written about it as well. I thought I had found mutual understanding in a group that was based on the movie “Old Fashioned” , however, and very sadly at this point, the direction changed or I finally recognized the hearts of some members. I guess once again I am putting up my brick wall? No…,.. in my defense and the character Clay I am guarding my heart. I am using my time wisely; it is not optional when you are living like you are dying and I’m not trying to be over dramatic either. Time is way too precious to allow superficial and fake people to damage your soul further. More and more the word “Love” is all about “ME” and what I need to seek? I just don’t follow that kind of warped disingenuous love. I am also realizing how much I value my married friends; it’s like I’m single with a married soul. It makes sense because I am truly committed to my relationship with my Lord first and staying out of the way of my lack of grace at points. I don’t know but in the wedding vows:  what God has joined together means He does the work. I just have never felt the need to seek what only my creator who designed me knows and His plans and timing. When you become one with God, only then can you be one with another person? I see my married friends as one, I really do! I respect them both in their relationships and value authentic Love that they reciprocate. When you have a pure heart you are kind of like a kid only with boundaries and pure intentions. I am learning once again how people misuse words. Intentional is not the same as manipulative or calculated; to me, I think it is closer to being selfless? In everything I do I try and let Jesus do His thing in me; also shine His light, which will attract a similar soul. I think it is working fabulous so far; no regrets, most of them just happen to be married or children. That is why I work hard to do and be what God asks me to be; it’s not my vision or timing. If Satan tries to destroy it, I will still have God, dignity and some quite amazing authentic friends that have invested in my life and I in theirs. I don’t care what you call it, dating or courting, all that matters is Loving and friendship; it is always constant. It is obvious I don’t buy in to the romance thing either; I find it pretty pretentious, unless it is truly planned by the book of the Bible and not the usual book of love, however, I am a champion for Love gone right! I think some very simple things like a photo booth picture from the 1940’s of my grandparents is romantic. But lets face it, what do I know? My answer would hopefully be Jesus. My grandma and grandpa didn’t show physical affection; we never hugged or kissed, it was an unspoken Love with actions that have lasted beyond death. They created two children, so it is not as if they never had physical intimacy; it was just something sacred. Often when I reflect all the sacrifices they have made for me and my security, I want so deeply for them to know how grateful I am for the memories and lessons. Now that’s old fashioned! I guess I needed a good cry tonight? If it weren’t for Jesus Christ I wouldn’t know  genuine Love.grandparentsphotobooth1