The only purpose of the news media is their obvious reporting that reveals an agenda; kill, steal, and destroy. Once again, my experience with chronic illness has allowed the Holy Spirit to continue using it to expose the demonic nature of the worldly system and use it for good. The corona virus news is completely irrational for both physical and spiritual reasons; revealing spiritual deception. It took 22+ years of being in bondage to our medical system to learn the very hard way that it has never been about healing,fixing, or wellness; if it was, I would not have lived over 26 years immune suppressed and currently disabled. However, the disappointment lead me to the cross; which was where it needed to begin. It took approximately 2 years for the medical community to even put a label on my illness, but it didn’t stop them from treating the symptoms. Once I was diagnosed, it also didn’t change the way they treated the symptoms because the root cause is irrelevant to actually correcting and repairing in a worldly system that blindly serves satan. On top of my diagnosis, being immune suppressed exposed me to a wide variety of sickness; virus, bacteria, parasites, and fungus; yet only testing for a specific virus (influenza) once in 2015, during the entire history. Accordingly they blindly treated the multiple illness’ with antibiotics on occasion, despite any evidence or proof of infection. Viral testing is not typical in the medical practice despite virus’ being very typical. This alone should speak volumes about the lack of willingness of the healthcare system to achieve answers. The customary practice is based on assumption/presumption that involve symptom resolution and not health. In fact, I have survived numerous virus’, including influenza-b, pneumonia, and shingles twice over the last 26 years with immune suppression. It was a medication that almost killed me; causing a-plastic anemia with a hemoglobin of 4.6. Not so ironically that medication was hydroxychloroquin, the medication they are testing to treat corona virus; which is a sulpha medication. There is far greater risk taking any medication; just read the drug profile warnings. It’s actually ironic all the names assigned to illness’ when at the core, the problems are based on similar biologic dysfunction that manifest differently in the body.
From the beginning of this viral conspiracy, my heavenly sensor was triggered deeply by all the inconsistency and the not so coincidental, even convenient, power play it was appearing to seek. The media keeps pushing the need for testing of the virus, however, testing for the corona virus or any other virus is completely irrelevant, because it doesn’t produce a solution; specifically the way it is treated. Labeling any illness is just a way to appear they can control it; built on lies and mind control. This becomes very apparent if you have ever had to deal with the medical system and doctors for any length of time. All men are flawed and prone to deception, including those that happen to study and receive a degree in any subject; including medicine. Studying flawed information only makes you an expert in deception. Our entire education system is nothing more than a system of intellectual idolatry when it is tested against scripture. The Bible is our tool for discernment and surviving all forms of deception. This world is untrustworthy and we have an epidemic of trusting idols which can only lead to destruction. We have a fear and idolatry pandemic and need to be more concerned with what is hidden spiritually; behind all the extreme focus! Do you discern deflection?
Our media reports hearsay which is unreliable information. .
There is nothing rational about locking people away to hide from exposure to a specific microorganism among many. It reveals complete ignorance of the biologic system; which include virus’, bacteria, and parasites within the natural flora and completely disregards the immune system all together.
Sadly my favorite past time lately has been debunking all the media lies and the lies are plenty. The Bible teaches us to test spirits and there are demonic spirits evident to those involved in the content of the media. The media has a condition I would compare to ADHD and nearsighted in context. The focus exploits while eliminating far greater threats; vehicle collisions, aging, accidents, obesity, alcoholism, diabetes, opioids, and even iatrogenic death. The list is never ending in a proper perspective. The media perspective of the current corona virus crisis is an agenda based on presumption which is realistically unfounded. Spiritually and rationally this effort is completely blown out of proportion and leads to demonic spiritual fruits. We live by faith, not sight, and certainly not by worldly understanding. The purpose of the media is fear based and the corona virus is the current weapon of choice. Not only does the Bible warn numerous times of the source of fear being spiritually demonic but, in addition, there are physical repercussions, which impact the physical body that are harmful; causing hormone production, inflammation, confusion, and immune suppression. Fear is an assault to life physically that is perpetuated spiritually. The crisis is completely irrational when you actually analyze all the information available regarding this virus exposure. I’ve included the statistics from the World Health Organization so you can use your own mind about the truth.
The misunderstanding of virus’ and ignorance of the human body is apparent with the use of masks. Virus’ do not fly or remain suspended in the air. A virus is contracted by touching something that has the viral protein on it’s surface. After it is on your hand the protein is transmitted by touching your face,nose,eyes where it has access to travel by way of the lymphatic system via mucous to the lungs. There is a false understanding that you breathe in a respiratory virus. I suppose if somebody coughed in your face or was close enough when coughing, without covering their mouth, it could potentially be inhaled but it is unlikely. There is a reason why so much emphasis is placed on hand washing for prevention because hands and skin are the transmitters that the protein obtains access to mucous carriers within the bodies lymphatic system.
Further more, the statistics by the CDC have been continually manipulated to exploit this virus in an attempt to politicize and weaponize it.
Romans 12:2 New International Version (NIV) 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
At the root of any physical crises is a spiritual manifestation. This world is the enemy and therefor our focus always needs to start much deeper, where the enemy operates. In order to know the enemy, we must be able to recognize spiritual fruits the Bible exposes in Galatians 5:19-25. The Bible truly is the best source and provides healing at the source. I believe all illness is rooted in deception, being disconnected from our Creator and treating the divine physical body as a temple. This world keeps us running in circles, chasing the next crises and cure, when stillness is where we find we already possess access to our own power and well being. You can’t focus on Christ and His truth when you are captivated by the media and world; which is the strategy of the demonic world. Seek the Kingdom of Heaven first! Spiritual discernment saves lives.
During difficult times I have been continually lead to the Word and quiet time with Christ. While the world screams of chaos, it presents an awareness of the spiritual ignorance that is the real threat. Understanding the spiritual process of sanctification and knowing Christ produces peace in the truth of scripture. As a result it becomes apparent the true identity of any conflict according to “fruits”. If people were inclined to turn off the TV and open their Bible to spend time with our Lord and Savior, we would not have a crisis. Reality is based on perception and it points to the source of our motivation.
The way we deal with uncertainty lets us know whether Jesus is ahead of us leading, or behind us just carrying our stuff. ~Bob Goff
Finally, I would like to add a source from Dr. John Bergman who is always thought provoking and provides diverse documentation with reliable information. I have been subscribing to his channel for several years now during my journey trying to recover my health after allopathic mismanagement of my illness. He has an ideal combination of spiritual wisdom combined with solid understanding of human anatomy and biology. I have found his material to effectively communicate complex issues with a gift for teaching. It is obvious his intent is to truly help people and challenge the unfortunate ways of the world.
Romans 12:3-8 New International Version (NIV) Humble Service in the Body of Christ 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.
Discovered such a profound and deeply moving movie and wanted to share with others who seek understanding, spiritually grounded, and truly love others as Christ. The movie “Red Pill” is a great study in human behavior and psychology. Abuse is about “control” and controlling spirits are demonic. Good vs Evil. This world feeds the lies that there are blurred lines. Fortunate I have grown up recognizing the insanity of this deceptive and pushed culture. Being focused deeper enables an ability to discern the insanity of labeling and “feminism”. In addition, testing the spiritual fruits of those inflicted by this bondage also brings awareness that feminist’s are overcome by a jezebel spirit; it is a spiritual disease of demons. We are all afflicted in this world, just uniquely and differently, because satan targets our weakness and blind spots. People under the control of this spirit are fueled by selfishness and consumed by their own weakness. We ultimately decide who we allow to control our lives and satan is a thief and why we need instructions provided by the Bible to protect from spiritual burglary. Once satan enters our soul we become spiritual slaves that manifest as any of the sins the Ten Commandments warns about that start with coveting the freedom that only our Creator can provide. Christ transforms and renews our perspective to save us from ourselves. Wisdom and understanding through Christ are the only thing that serve us. Abuse doesn’t discriminate by gender and all physical manifestations begin in the spirit. A person doesn’t suddenly start physically abusing people; they simply expand on their abuse. It starts emotionally, spiritually, and verbally and intensifies to produce physical damage too. God has placed on my heart a desire to help expose this reality, insight, and the tools to defend ourselves. #SpiritualBoundaries#Wisdom#TheMoreYouKnow#StopTheInsanity
Division is a spiritual fruit of the devil.
Feminism is a spiritual disease of the jezebel spirit and the psychology label to this condition is narcissism. This spirit is not male or female; it is gender neutral, opportunistic, and a parasite. Not surprisingly this spirit also is responsible for the LGBTQ movement surrounding trauma which activates a victim , mentality within this spirit. The typical behavior and language of feminist activists are revealed in this movie and it is aggressive, vulgar and abusive; obvious signs of spiritual distress. Abuse initiates in the spirit. This world commands and conditions us to distract our spiritual eyes producing spiritual blindness. Satan is the author of abuse and does not discriminate by gender or any shallow reason of the flesh. When you recognize and are able to discern “fruits” becomes obvious it is demonic. Reading the Bible combats so much trauma, abuse, and dysfunction by both genders and prevents us from becoming victims. The movie link follows for those that want to sharpen their understanding and help expose demons as the Bible teaches. You can either be driven by self; which is ultimately satan or what you are able to offer others and experience the spiritual “Laws of Reciprocity” which produce strength and confidence despite the affliction guaranteed in the world.
Galatians 5:19-25 New International Version (NIV)
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
The post that would inspire the pursuit of understanding the dysfunctional conditioning that I experienced.
I’m certainly not someone who likes to share information like dirty laundry, however, I also realize that revealing truth and exposing and shining light to situations is necessary for obtaining Christ’s intervention and healing. I do not take accusations of labeling anyone lightly either. I have done much research on the situation and topic of narcissism; also spent much time in prayer and scripture and been guided to the realization by God. In complete transparency I started documenting the contact of a period of 4 months that lead me to the conclusion of my mother’s mental status; after I had shared a sermon from David Platt that I really appreciated which set the demonic rantings of my mother off. I continue to document as necessary in this battle against darkness. In the following documentation of the limited contact, she is referenced as B and I as SA. Anyway she is so double minded in her messages it is almost scary. I am all these horrible things and yet she demands I be in her life? Messed up! It took me about 45 years to have the truth revealed in a divine matter after a facebook friend had posted the post that described the familiar behavior of my mother and lead me on an almost obsessive effort of researching psychology and narcissism.
Genesis 50:20New Living Translation (NLT) 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
April 11, 2017 #CovertNarcissist
SA: This pastor is the real deal!
B: I found him very confusing. I don’t like the way he preaches. He is very discursive to me.
SA: He is wonderful and speaks the Holy Spirit. If you can’t understand Him you apparently do not recognize the Holy Spirit? What he says is truth and real; I’ve experienced everything he talks of. Will be praying that Satan takes your blinders off!
B: Do you know what discursive means? (patronizing)
SA:philosophy : marked by a method of resolving complex expressions into simpler or more basic ones : marked by analytical reasoning. ( You are not analytical.) b : proceeding coherently from topic to topic
B: The definition I know is jumps around. Doesn’t stick to what he is talking about. #CognitiveDistortions ( I can’t help but find the irony of her statement “The definition I know.” I used the dictionary which is the ultimate source of understanding of words! SMH )
SA: His whole message is based on the fact that Christ was radical and people are selfish and soften Christ because they are deceived.
B: I do use logical reasoning
SA:: of or relating to discourse discursive practices this is from the dictionary but because of your ADD or whatever you miss a whole lot of the big picture. You either refuse or Satan blinds you to many factors. OK, then logically you should know that satan will use any means to confuse and destroy your understanding of truth.
B: My definition was from the Webster Dictionary, but not word for word.
SA: There is nothing logical about your house and the way you live. Proof that satan separates people from Christ pretty easily. It takes diligence and a fight to the finish to pursue Christ. Christianity is not easy and in this world is actually a burden because you don’t conform to people or compare. People are not a standard. God is the only standard.
B: I do think logically, because you have to to be a good nurse. Just because I don’t care for his style, doesn’t mean the BS you are saying about me. You are being judge mental and not being truthful.
SA: It’s why the Bible informs us we must guard our heart because Satan is a thief.
B: Forget it. I’m not going to argue with you. You are always right. #projection
SA: I’m not being judgmental at all, I’m telling facts from the Bible and you allow the world to control your life. No, God is ALWAYS RIGHT! I just choose to only follow Him and His Word. No argument here. You can choose to use it to justify your understanding but will be led astray. It is your choice to make. Humans are all very flawed; especially when pride (satan) leads them and they will refuse any correction (Biblical correction). Goodnight, I’m praying God will reveal himself to you in this situation. If I am lying and it is all BS than explain logically how your house and life is logical and right? You are using your judgement logically to judge that I am correct, so that is ironic don’t ya think? Also proves you are logical and know you are wrong. So you use selective reasoning to fit your own needs and desires. ( Here comes the #triangulation and #gaslighting!)
B: I am sorry, but I don’t see God shinning through your life. WWJD? He definitely would not treat people the way you do. Why is it that so many people that I know tell me that they can’t stand the way that you act. “Stephanie is SO judgmental! She acts like she is God.” #FlyingMonkeys We are supposed to be like Jesus. People will see his light through the way we live and the way we act. It is very hard to see any light coming from your heart people see is judgement from you, and YOU are the one who can’t stand constructive criticism. If I ever try to show you that you are wrong, and to tell you to reread what you have sent me, and try to apply it to yourself, you won’t listen, and then claim that it is me that is wrong, and say that I have Satan ruling me or that I have too much pride? That is total BS. That is judging me, pretending or thinking that you are GOD. That is being self righteous. Jesus did preach, but he never put a person down the way you do. That is where your communication skills suck! Your approach is all wrong! No one wants to listen to a person who acts like they are God. No one. You will never help lead a person to Christ. They won’t want to listen, and I am very tired of listening to you, when you can’t open your heart enough to listen to the truth about you. I do believe that I will go to heaven, because I know where my heart is. I have God in my life, and that is why I accidentally received the fruits that I have. I say accidentally have the fruits of the spirit, because I never deliberately set out to try to get any of them. They were given to me by God, because I have him in my heart, and they are a gift from God. You can’t try to work to get them. That’s why they are called Fruits of the Spirit. Fruits from God. People who don’t really believe in God, or do his work, don’t receive these gifts. Please give me a break! You don’t like it when Dawn belittles Dave in front of family, and I don’t like it when you belittle me the same way. Call it what you want, but that is being disrespectful to your elders. #CognitiveDistortions Everyone isn’t perfect, but I don’t constantly point out your imperfections, or tell you how to live your life. You might not think that your sister or brother have God in their heart the way they should, and maybe they could do better, but I see how God does reward both of them when they do honor God. I can see how gifts to them are sent from God. You receive many gifts too. Just let up on us. Who do you think raised me? Quit being a stubborn Norwegian! ( More irony…..I wasn’t trying to lead her to Christ because she already claims she is a Christian. #Accountability I was correcting her and trying to have a conversation like normal relationships. She doesn’t constantly point out my imperfections? LOL This conversation says the complete opposite! #Denial It’s also crazy how she pulls other people out of her ass into the conversation? SMH )
April 12, 2017
SA: When God defines you, you aren’t upset. Ego is satan. I respect God so much i obey him.
B: I asked you to please stop with the BS. You mean when Stephanie defines me, and has no room to judge me, I get upset, because that is what we are NOT supposed to do as it says in the Bible. I don’t have an ego. Don’t give me this BS about Satan. You are to respect your parents, and by your text to me, that is not respect. Don’t give me this BS that you are worried about me that I’m not going to heaven. That is a judgement you are making. I know where I am going because of my belief. You are acting as if you are playing God, so everything you speak is God’s words. Your mind is very warped, and I have prayed the you could finally see where you are wrong. I have never slandered you. I can have an opinion about a preacher, and because I don’t care for his style, that makes me satanic? You are wrong! Again you are judging me. You must be having a nervous breakdown. You twist things that I text, and when it is an opinion, you say it is a lie. That is wrong! You also told me before that I really had Love down. Now you say I don’t. Talk about bipolar. You know how you say you teach people how to treat you? Well
SA: Once again you fail to recognize the whole picture. Fruits without works are dead! I am not God, never claimed to be or be right. You all apparently use your judgmental selves to verify that what I preach is Gods truth. I am very open to Gods correction, not a flawed human beings opinion. If anybody is talking about me as you claim then that in itself is a bad fruit! I recognize truth! If you think that I somehow have lived the life I have lived because of my perfection, it is ridiculous and impossible. If you understood and knew your Bible you would recognize how wrong you are. I will not argue with fools who rely on their own understanding. Christianity is not a destination; it is a lot of work! We are commanded to suffer and bare our cross like Christ did. As far as infatuation; I looked it up and it is not a good fruit bearing quality;it is foolishness! Definition of infatuate infatuated; infatuating transitive verb 1: to cause to be foolish : deprive of sound judgment 2: to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration When you meet God I guarantee you will be offended! Your spirit is very evil and all you care about is being right and slandering me! You have no idea how you are toxic to my spirit. Quit viewing me through your warped perception. Go ahead and use some actual scripture as to how I am violating Gods laws? I’m not! I live for Him and Him only! Because He Lives in me! Fact! You live for yourself enjoyment and are so worldly. You wouldn’t recognize satan if he walked up to you because your house is proof; not my opinion! Please defend your choices in life by using the only truth and that is Gods word. You do not decide what is truth, God does. I feel very confident in my relationship with Christ and that should actually be a good thing considering how ill I am and how God could take me any day. You are just delusional in thinking that you will die before you have a chance to prepare. Christianity is about preparation,learning, and transformation. I know I am rare to spend the amount of time in Gods word but it isn’t a competition. The Bible explains that! Truth and speaking the truth about Christ is not putting people down unless they have a conscience and recognize Gods truth in their failing. We are all flawed; it’s just that some people intentionally work on doing the right thing by Gods standard; not mans, which is controlled by satan. We are commanded to deny our earthy desires and pick up the burden of following Christ. It is a war! Hence you have to wear Gods armor, not try and fit in. Blessings aren’t materialism either! Blessings are spiritual; self control, long suffering, and yes I am blessed because I am free from the slavery of the world that enslaves you. Your house is proof of enslavement. Your attitude is pride and is not a blessing. You need to learn humility not insecurity; there is a difference and one is from God and insecurity happens when you listen to satan. Christ has NEVER been popular! He was radical!
B: I never said that what you say is in the Bible was not the truth. You are a very disrespectful person. Kathy and Steve couldn’t believe how you treat me and talk down to me. When you say that I am evil and of Satan, that doesn’t come from the Bible. That is in your opinion, and not of the Bible.
SA: No it is in your spirit and it’s funny that you mention it about Kathi because she told me about the audacity of your meddling in her relationship. She forwarded your texts and I was like? Are you demon possessed? I have a spiritual gift discerning spirits and recently yours has been evil and is making me sicker. You are oppressive and weak. Kathi also admitted because of her ADD that she missed some things you said and did not agree with them. Either way we don’t matter; only Gods truth and word. Satan uses every opportunity to deceive; so continue to not listen or care. I literally manifest physical ailments from your spirit, whether you agree or not. If you were to live in my body you would experience the hell your words are to my spirit. They are not life giving. Truth is life giving! I only care to always be truthful and share that truth, your tension enters my spirit and I currently feel it. I have felt like I just watched the Wizard of Oz. I just took my temperature and it is 103.1, thanks!
SA: Scripture is not bs and you apparently don’t know what slander is? You used to have loving fruits but you are either possessed by a demon or split personality. My honest observation does not equate to nervous breakdown, not even rational and that is pretty scary. I don’t make the rules, just follow them. You’ve made it pretty clear you have comprehension issues and clearly unable to hear Gods voice. You do not know your bible because there is plenty of evidence about pagan activities. While you are playing games I am studying it and in constant fellowship with God. You should try it, a suggestion and not judgment. You need to reread you’re last message to me and if you think it sounds like good fruits, let alone rational you need some serious help!
B: That is being disrespectful. You said that infatuation was lust. That is not true. And after looking up the meaning, I guess that it was the wrong word to use about My feelings for Phil. I wasn’t acting silly or stupid. You have this thing that you think that your thoughts are the Bible. I believe that you are blinded by Satan and that is why you act the way you do and can’t take constructive criticism. I never slandered you. Your brain must be screwed up and you can’t think right because of your lesions. Going at me like this isn’t going to do either of us any good. All I said is that you don’t have a light shinning from your heart. You show bitterness. A real Christian has that glow of love about them, causing some people to be like them. I would never want to be like you, because you don’t show a spirit of love. I know that you are thankful, but you never say thank you mom for buying this or that for me. In my opinion, you act like Annette and Matthew. You are causing yourself to be very sick. Not me. You are sick because he is in you, and you can’t see that. I prayed that you would stop being so stubborn and see where you are wrong. But you are so blind and remind me of Preston. When people see how you are so judgmental people think that you are such a hypocrite. You act very mad and take it out on the wrong people. I just asked you to let up. If you won’t listen to what I have go say, I don’t need to listen to an insolent child. You just have to always be right even when you are wrong in your thinking. So please stop this kind of text. I don’t need it. You are getting yourself upset. There is nothing to be upset about if you weren’t so bitter. The words you say about me are your opinion. Not from the Bible. Grow up and be quiet.
SA: You are so blinded by Satan. My words are from Christ because those are the words I use! I’m done! The Bible also is clear about loving Him more than family and I feel that. You don’t even use the Bible, just your warped emotions and words. You married a pedophile so your judgment is really bad! I will block your lies on facebook! If you keep up your destructive, deceptive thoughts and lies! Not opinion; Bible tells me so! Again you can justify your lies with scripture anytime and prove me wrong!
B: I won’t be blamed at you getting mad. Why don’t you mind your own business and worry only about your own soul. What you just wrote is your opinion and not of the Bible. You are really acting childish.
SA: I am not called by Christ to mind my own business. I’m called to expose evil! Again in the Bible! You Jesus hater! I am also not bitter; that is an opinion. You don’t know my heart and you can’t even recognize truth, YOUR LOSS. Fools despise correction! Biblical! I know my Bible and I know Christ, I know when someone serves themselves; too bad you don’t understand how spiritual energy works. I wish I could block your satanic energy but satan doesn’t care and he attacks regardless. I have no desire to live in the flesh like you. You continually are incapable of using the truth of Gods word to support your OPINION! All I use is scripture and truth. I have a spirit that feels evil; you don’t no biggy! But just because you don’t have a particular gift doesn’t make it any less truth. You are the bitter one who refuses to acknowledge your need for Christ! You also don’t understand what true Love is and live your fraudulent love. Christmas is pagan; it is not biblical! Not my opinion, fact! Anything not in the Bible is pagan! You can take all the Biblical tests all you want and ace them but until you obey them and actually practice them it is disobedience to God. I dare you to actually only respond in truth and scripture. Humans are deceitful God is the only One who can be trusted; His word alone. Humans are flawed and need God for everything. BTW Psychology won’t get anyone into heaven. I’m not concerned with concepts of mans opinion; all I care about is Gods law and standard. Gods truth should be the priority in everyone’s life.
Leviticus 10:10New Living Translation (NLT) 10 You must distinguish between what is sacred and what is common, between what is ceremonially unclean and what is clean.
April 13, 2017
B: What is BTW Psychology? Did God direct you to call your mother a Jesus Hater? By doing that is that being respectful to your parents, like it teaches in the Bible? I would have never talked to my parents like that. Kathy is really rubbing off on you. She was very disrespectful and a child from hell. I wouldn’t be proud of that. (“The Bible teaches to Honor your parents; not respect. Apparently my mother doesn’t understand the difference or using her typical strategy of witchcraft ? #GasLighting Also pulling in other people in an act of comparison to claim superiority, which the Bible warns as wrong!” )
B: You really are sick. The BS, is not referring to the Bible. The BS is all the irrational things that you are saying about me. You have been sending me things that don’t apply to me. That is why I wanted you to re listen to what you sent me, because it applied to you, and not me. Then you started bashing me. Like I said before, if you don’t have anything good to say, then don’t say anything. Calling me names is disrespect. Not the truth. It is only your opinion. I’m not ashamed of anything I sent to you. #projection
SA: I reread it, I didn’t call you any names. What name? The only thing irrational is your denial and alternative reality!
B: No, you didn’t call me any names, but you did talk down to me. Tell me about your fruits. I have not slandered you. That is a lie. I have spoken false things about you that have ruined your reputation. A lie. Telling me I am possessed by a demon? False opinion. Downgraded me by saying I have a split personality. That is not a fact. That is your uneducated opinion. Remember, you didn’t do well in psychology twice, and didn’t even try to do better, by talking to your teacher or getting a free tutor. Who takes a class twice and doesn’t learn anything from their mistakes? Telling me I don’t have comprehension. Not true. Maybe at one time in the past. If I don’t know my bible, then why do I do so well on bible quizzes? Christmas is not pagan. I celebrate Christ’s birth. You choose not to. I try to lovingly correct you, you can’t take any correction, because you think you are always right. I see no fruits from what you texted me. I’ve had way to much patience with you. Remember how you told me that you become who you hang out with. You are hanging out with Kathy and becoming more like her. Is that who you want to be? ( “No, I just refuse correction from an obviously deceived individual. I know my Bible and can provide plenty of evidence that Christmas is pagan. I will follow with a link to a playlist on youtube I created. Unlike my mother I am objective and evidence based.” )
SA: Lol, you don’t ever use Gods word ever. I gladly take God’s correction!
B: Another judgmental lie. You are really turning into a liar. You are a very unappreciative daughter too. Never thank me for what I do for you. #Gaslighting
SA: That sure sounds like a judgement! Lol Glad I use Gods standard to judge instead of my limited understanding. You have a selective perception because of your add and miss a lot on a very deep level. Of course you didn’t recognize greg as a pedophile and bad person because you don’t recognize fruits and it makes you a poor judge!
B: And please quit labeling me and using the word ADD.
SA: Yes, cause having to accept reality might interfere with your denial? #GasLighting #Deflection (” I would like to add she has been diagnosed with ADD and been on medication for it.” )
B: All I said is BS. You hang around a person with the worst mouth I have ever known. You are judging again. No wonder Kathy can’t stay married or in a relationship. She is one big bipolar roller coaster. She has a very dark side, and you must be blinded by Satan. When you turn to a person like that, and turn away from the person who birthed you, I see Satan invading your spirit. She will bring you down. Anyone who is pissed off, happy, pissed off, happy, is on an emotional roller coaster. I didn’t ask about her relationship. She kept asking me to call her. Then she shouldn’t keep calling me for advice. That trip cost me $1000 says AAA with wear and tear on my vehicle. I didn’t plan on staying inside for 6 days. I hope that you enjoyed yourself, because I didn’t staying in a morgue. Darkness, and no light. She doesn’t have eye problems. I asked. It is just her style. Black, skeletons, and evil looking characters, plus a mouth from hell. She is always mad? at something. Her head in screwed up because of drugs. Who in their right mind wouldn’t visit a place before they moved? (“Her cousin Kathi lives 10 hours away from me so I’m not sure how it is possible to hang around her? I have spoken to her on occasion but my mother would have no idea how I spend my time or how often I speak with her.” )
SA: Omg, her clean dark house doesn’t go against God like yours does. And you married a pedophile. You live in your own vile hell oblivious because of legal drugs that destroyed your brain. You are blind to fruits and live in the flesh!
B: I didn’t know he was one, or I never would have married him. I am not blind to fruits or live in the flesh. Kathy is in my opinion.
SA: Truth hurts when you are on the wrong side of it! I am no longer a child; I answer only to Christ and you don’t make the rules! You don’t know what respect is! I live it! You have none and crap all over yourself and everyone! You are so ungrateful and deceptive; not sure if that is intentional or you are just mentally ill and filled by satan? You love controlling others just like satan. You are the insolent child. You give Christ no respect; everything you do is for your own pride and ego. When you serve Christ there are no expectations in life and you are filled with satisfaction; you don’t go seeking it in all the wrong material things. Quit feeling sorry for yourself like a victim. You have never understood who it is to know your identity in Christ and obsess with constantly competing in life. When you know the truth about who you are you don’t care what anybody else thinks but the one and only Creator. You sure aren’t prepared for how hard it is going to get; we are in the end times and it is going to get ugly! I have only had your best interests at heart! I hate that your life is so ugly and you are weak. You hide and wear masks and use money to try and control and gain power; that is evil! You have selective memories just like your brother, so you too are either a deliberate liar or possibly have beginning stages of dementia/alzheimer’s. I have no intention to force you to try and change but don’t go around being a fraud!
April 14,2017
SA: You claimed I was bipolar, having a nervous breakdown, slander and lies! You have shown your lack of understanding of scripture by the way you twist and take it out of context. Kathi has a true heart for God and is humble. She is always honest and seeking improvement, not denial like you. Kathi has been living Christ’ strength and doesn’t constantly put others down like you. I love Kathi, she is real. You obviously hate yourself the way you behave. You lack self control, it is either choice or mental illness.
B:You are the one putting down others. Not me. I am defending myself against lies. Yes, I sometimes lack self control, but not when it comes to sex. You actually lack self control, because you just can’t stop, when I have asked you stop
SA: You are the one who can’t control your tongue, your living environment, what you put in your body, etc. Self control involves every aspect of life including time. I’m done with your pride. Until you focus on your own flaws and admit to God letting him have control you will remain enslaved and guilty.
B: If you were at peace with yourself, you wouldn’t text what you do. Everything was not sent from God, unless you are delusional and think that you are God. No more. I can’t stand mentally ill people. Leave me alone!
SA: LOL Everything I sent was Biblical and sent by God! What has been a lie? If you actually took the time to view them you might, well no you wouldn’t ! You are blinded by satan, belligerent and filled with anger and hate! You bring yourself down by your actions! Still haven’t provided any Biblical evidence! I’m at peace, God is good and I know He has my back! I have viewed all those sermons many times; they are great and speak the truth of God!
B: I have no idea who this was meant to be sent to, but it couldn’t possibly be for me. I think that you should read what you send, and apply it to your life. You are the liar, and say things about me that aren’t true. I have no problem with the Bible. I just have a problem with you. Quit wasting my time. You refuse to listen to logic and hang around with people that will ruin your life. I don’t care for any more of your correspondence. I will not tolerate your insolence. You show no fruits in a text like this to your elder. Do you really think that God would approve of your text? You don’t know what honor means. I no longer want to have anything to do with a mentally ill person. You are just like Kathy. Mentally ill people will pull me down. You are not uplifting. Please stop sending anymore of your opinionated texts. You don’t know what you are talking about. That is very clear. Like I said, I will no longer take your insolence. Until you can say some nice, that is true, stop communicating with me. I can’t stand to be around mentally ill people like you and Kathy. I don’t wish to be around people like you. You suck the life out of me. You pull me down with your negative attitude. #Projection #CognitiveDistortion #GasLighting
SA: THY WILL BE DONE Still haven’t explained what was a lie and what was in violation of Gods law because it isn’t there. Go ahead and keep judging me based on your flawed opinion, I don’t care! The God I serve knows the truth and approves of my messages!
B: The lie is that I’m not belligerent, and filled with anger and hate. I don’t need to defend myself. God knows me and my heart. Quit judging me and pretending you are God.
Luke 18:29-30New Living Translation (NLT) 29 “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, 30 will be repaid many times over in this life, and will have eternal life in the world to come.”
Her own communication is evidence of her accusations are complete projection and show her guilt and lies. So after the previous communication insisting my mother wanted nothing more to do with mentally ill people and my response: “Thy Will Be Done” which became the beginning of #NoContact, again receive the following message 12 days later, which is termed as #Hoovering in psychology.
April 26, 2017
B: Are you alright? You haven’t been posting anything. I haven’t heard from you either. What is up?
SA: I am fine! What is up? Are you kidding me? Would you like me to refresh your memory by the documentation of your insanity? Worry about your own mental health issues. I with the help of God have mine covered for almost 24 years now! I do not play mind games or associate with those that will endanger my soul! You are text book ADHD!
B: Insanity? Please refresh. Please stop labeling me. Is that you judging me again? Can’t you ever be kind? I used to think that you were good at judging people’s character, but not anymore. When I give you back the advice you give me, you can’t take it. Hanging around people will rub off on you, and it has.
SA: That is me judging you according to Gods principle! God is a wonderful judge of character! I am enjoying my peace! Truth is kind! If you keep this up I will unfriend and block you I promise!
B: Can’t you just be nice? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? You really sound like you have the love and peace if God in your heart.
A little over a month later I receive ANOTHER random and confusing message. First implying she is a part of “fruits” followed by listing actual “fruits”, so not sure of her understanding, however, it is not congruent, but she also previously claimed that “fruits” were received by accident; like entitled gifts from God for believing? SMH People aren’t fruits! Talk about crazy!
June 7,2017 #Hoovering
B: You know who raised me, and I was brought up in the church since I was a baby. Are you saying that my parents raised bad fruit? Are you saying that you, Dave, and Jennifer are bad fruit? I possess all 9 fruits in different degrees. 1.Love 2.Joy 3.Peace 4.Long suffering 5.Kindness 6.Goodness 7.Faithfulness 8.Gentleness 9.Self control. I have always put my children first when it came to clothes, food, and necessities of life. I bought the house you are living in and paid the appraised price for it when the housing market was bad, and houses were selling way below the appraisal price. Where would you be living if I hadn’t given you a place to live? I sacrificed much so that you could have the things that you wanted. I don’t think that you suffered for much. I put my job in jeopardy taking off time from work and being with you when you needed me. I also jeopardized my education, and you came first, when I took a month off from school to be with you. It is a miracle that I wasn’t dropped from the nursing program, but I had a B average whether I was in class, or did it on my own.
SA: You are psychotic! I’m done! Black is white and white is black in your fantasy world. 1. Gentleness is a humble non-threatening demeanor that derives from a position of authority (Gods authority), and is useful in calming another’ anger. Gentleness is not a quality that is weak and passive! #NOT 2. Self-control is to RESTRAIN one’s emotions,actions, and desires and to be in harmony with God. Self-control is doing God’s will (what the Bible says) not living for one’s self! #NOT 3. Love is not based on emotions or feelings. It is the decision to be committed to the well being of others WITHOUT ANY CONDITIONS OR CIRCUMSTANCES! #NOT You care more about your hurt ego than my peace and health! Everything you do is conditional; you are a bully and oppressive! 4. Long suffering is in regards to Christ; it is putting Christ first no matter the persecution and assaults from others. You give your best for Christ, not man’s approval or persecution. It has nothing to do with suffering because you sin and hurt yourself. Your house is evidence of gluttony,selfishness,lack of control, and greed. Those are all bad fruits! You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You failed your parents, not the other way around; because Love doesn’t seek it’s own way. You prove time and time again how you have no understanding of applying the Bible and connection to Christ. You are clueless! Every time you respond you just prove how warped and evil your mind is! TRUTH You are very idle and weak. This is not my opinion; this is based on the fruits and evidence apparent in your life. You are deceived and enslaved by satan; which until you break free and you show change in your heart and life I want nothing to do with you. You can just pretend the house is like the farm and just ignore it like you did there. At least you have a caretaker who works for Christ and respects the integrity of the gift from your father and my wonderful grandpa who I will always adore! I constantly add value to whatever God provides, not destroy and devalue things like satan and you! You don’t help weak people with apathy and making things easy! I’ve been REALLY patient; 44 years waiting for you to get your act together and start living for Christ, instead of your satanic self! You are experiencing your own energy CONGRATULATIONS! Quit harassing me!
B: Nothing I do is conditional. I don’t know what you are talking about. When it comes to your temper, you have no self control when it comes to you getting mad and yelling at me. I don’t call that self control. What is wrong with you? You act like you are under a wicked spell. You are always so bitter. Where is the light inside your heart? All I see is darkness.
SA: All you see is darkness because you are blind to Gods light! That’s what happens when you become enslaved by satan. I have plenty of control and why I am telling you to leave me alone. You are delusional and I don’t argue or associate with the mentally ill.
1 Thessalonians 5:14 And we urge you, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
#Hoovering June 16, 2017
B: I went with Jen, the boys, her friend and son today to their Sun Prairie Pool. Only went for an hour and a half, but it was a great way to refresh on a hot day. Dave took his kids to Magic Waters. He said that lockers are $8, $10, & $12 per day for rental. That’s ridiculous! No free locker passes this year, but passes to the pool and I believe a free drink there.
Over two months no contact and a message with bullying arrives sending my immune system into fight/flight attack. As a result developing horrible headaches due to a new brain lesion around the pineal gland. Apparently my siblings aka flying monkeys communicated the information I had been sharing about my suspicions of her being a covert narcissist.
Sent to my brother Aug. 19, 2017
August 20, 2017 #FlyingMonkey
SA: Sorry about all these sermons but they are so filled with so much truth about spirituality and faith. I suspect you need to diversify your teaching. (My brothers response sure reveals how confident someone can be in their deception and dysfunction.”) It follows:
Brother: I watched it. I can apply it. Not sure why you felt the need to share it, but that’s ok, I received it and thought it was a pretty good sermon. So my question for you is. Do you really think mom is filled with an evil spirit? How about me? I think we all fall short and make mistakes and can be prideful at times and yes we all need to worship the Lord in everything we do. My suggestion to you is if you truly feel that Mom is manipulating and always wanting to have control and is evil, then leave, flea the devil don’t let the devil have a foothold. You’ve done that by breaking contact with her and not letting her get you upset, but my suggestion would be get out of the house you currently live in and she currently owns and experience some real freedom. Let the Lord provide for you the means to do this. You have so many Godly friends online, I’m sure someone would be willing to help you in any way they could. If not then I suggest you watch some sermons on forgiveness and seek what the Lord says about that and try to make nice with those that are currently providing for you. Either way we will continue to be praying for your health and job search. I will pray for the Lord’s leading in your life. Love, Dave
SA: Ask Christ why He wanted me to share it! I even commented when I sent it that you need to diversify your teachings because you have a shallow image of Christ. I’m glad you could apply it because I loved the teaching. Do you pray for all the disabled in their job search or just the ones you don’t know? SMH I am sick of your ASSumptions! It requires actually knowing what is going on in a persons life to know what their needs are! So glad Christ is able to handle it on His own! I wonder what other warped ideas about my life you have because you are not able to recognize the spirit of deception? Also I am doing exactly as God has instructed and you have no authority as a 3rd party to give me any of your non biblical advice. Please stop praying to Christ about me for YOUR will; that is witchcraft and why you are cursing me! I have complete freedom in Christ; might want to try it! Lastly, I have plenty of places I could be, however, as I mentioned God wants me where I am because I have a purpose that you fail to see. Its ignorance to make assumptions based on limited information and you sure do seem to do a lot of that lately! I most certainly have forgiven, forgiveness is easy and is why I have peace in my heart. Forgiveness is for ourselves and does not require contact. Praying for Christ leading in my life while He is so obviously carrying me is pretty out of touch!
August 29, 2017 #GasLighting #FlyingMonkeys
B: I am tired of your disrespect, lies, and being the Biggest religious hypocrite I know. I am not a narcissist, I have never tried to control your life since you have been of legal age. I am not a liar, Satanic, or evil. You act like you are entitled to live in my house. You haven’t paid me one cent, to live in MY HOUSE in well over 2 years. Probably closer to 3 years. I pay taxes, have paid for a new roof to cover your head, and paid for home maintenance. I bought that house so that you would have somewhere to live, and I paid the appraised value, and not the market price. Your grandparents are gone, so you are living in my house. Would you like to move out? Who has driven you to doctor appointments, hospitals, and the Mayo Clinic? Who has paid your water bill when you destroyed the pipes, because of your ignorance? Who paid for auto repairs when you couldn’t? Who pays for your AAA insurance every year? Who purchased your Magic Waters pass? Who has brought you or bought you food? Who has sacrificed all her vacation days to do things for you for most of her life?
B: This is your ultimatum. Either you start respecting me, and unblock me on FB, or you can find a new place to live by September 1st. I am giving you over 30 days notice. This is called tough love. I won’t be used by an insolent person. Either you treat me with love and respect, or you can get out of my house.
I am not responding; no contact means, no contact! I’d like to mention that September 1st is 3 days away, not 30. It shows her mental instability. Talk about bullying and childlike behavior! She is not a narcissist because she says she’s not? LOL, Just Wow, talk about confirming you are a narcissist! #Denial Notice how everything is about MONEY! CONTROL! DENIAL! Everything she lists is total lies or half truths; she lists gifts over my entire life. I have not borrowed any money from her since I lost my job and it is 2 years and 7 months that I have been unable to pay rent; due to the fact that I have had no substantial source of any income. I am living on savings and I am the one who has been maintaining her property; she doesn’t pay for lawn care, the ant treatments or the filter on the furnace unit; I provide those and time. Notice how everything is hers as if she is God! God didn’t provide her resource’? I didn’t even go to Magic Waters this year as my health didn’t allow for it, but it was supposedly a Christmas/Birthday gift. She subscribes to AAA and added me for leverage and control; I don’t know that I’ve ever even used the program? I’ll believe the taxes are paid when I investigate! We almost lost the house in 2007 because of severe delinquency. Fortunately I caught it when the notice was sent to the house and contacted my uncle who sought power of attorney and took care of the debt. She won me $2,400? No she bought $5 worth of raffle tickets and Christ honored my need! She had absolutely no control of me winning? She is the biggest delusional liar! She is loving? Love doesn’t demand it’s own way like she is doing! Because she paid for a few meals over my lifetime? Um wow, I’ve had it so good; how could I ever walk away? SMH I take impeccable care of the house that her father so generously provided when he passed. She certainly did not have to buy her brother’s half of the property! She really is clueless! Are you kidding me? Also if the market was down, wouldn’t it mean she got a better deal and a good thing? I don’t even understand the relevance of this information. I have done much research thanks be to God. She is such a lying evil person who has been making money off her daughter with a chronic illness, living in poverty! My previous 5 year rent investments translate to over $15,000. She owns 2 homes, 1/3 her grandparents farm, and boasts of $270,000 in the bank but wishing she had more property in March? What a greedy, satanic, lying individual! It is so easy to pick her comments apart; narcissists are so intellectually lazy! Who does she think is going to maintain the property when I’m gone? She doesn’t take care of anything! She hasn’t even had hot water for at least a few years because her house is so full of crap; in bondage! As for the pipes freezing; I requested her to come down and check to make sure I had turned the knob completely, which she neglected to do and had no other choice to pay because of my lack of income.
Aug. 31,2017
BA: Sorry, I meant October 1st. ( “Apparently it takes 2 days for her brain to function?” )
Notice her comment from June 7, 2017 “Nothing she does is conditional” I’d say being her facebook friend is a “condition” and allowing her to abuse me is a “condition” to live in HER HOUSE! The house that I have lived in since 1994 that was a gift from her parents and provided by God. Notice the importance she places of herself. This whole response from her is trying to deny my boundaries! Anybody else find the irony in that she is demanding me (the biggest hypocrite) to not avoid her? She can’t stand me and I bring her down but demands and tries to guilt me so she can have some more? That is warped! I don’t think she understands what a hypocrite is; not someone you want around? Also she might be a bigger fool than I ever imagined because removing me from the house not only will not keep her from paying the taxes, but in addition, she will then be forcing herself the additional costs of utilities/gas and all the other necessities that go with maintenance on a house? The house was due for a new roof and I had warned her about a leak upstairs when it poured so now it is for me and not for her own preservation and value of her property? Makes perfect sense; NOT! She is NUTS! Everything is about devaluing me; it doesn’t matter the worth I provide and that I take better care of the house she owns than she ever would. It doesn’t matter that I have suffered with a chronic illness for 26 years currently and after researching the past few years realizing, her perverted husband, who molested me, most likely contributed to my condition. If she is so tired of this then why does she refuse to leave me alone? Because it is all part of the narcissistic game! Either way, I wasn’t about to leave and knew she was bluffing but was also so ill, it wouldn’t be possible to even perform the task of moving. There was a legitimate reason I am disabled and been unable to work. #LackOfBoundaries #TraitsOfNarcissists #Guilt
Received some additional random texts approximately a month later. The nature of the illogical texts seem almost humorous. I am always a step ahead of her insanity. I purchased “Terro” granules and ant bait, in an attempt to be proactive because I don’t ignore problems like my mother has the habit of doing. I managed to improve a major ongoing ant problem of easily 20 years; thanks to the help of my friend who had worked in pest control and the grace of God. I still will not be responding to this so obvious predictable and out of touch hoovering attempt ! It suddenly became an immediate issue 5 months after the initial season @2am??????
9/29/2017 2am
B: Borax mixed with sugar, water and dish soap mixed in a spray bottle will kill ants.
B: Spray 50/50 white vinegar and water to get rid of ants, and spray lemon is another way. Cornmeal in the house gets rid of their nests.
During February 2018 I was forced to contact my mother about the bathroom sink handle breaking off ; which was probably close to at least 20 years old. I had shared a new faucet I had found online at Menards that I felt was practical and reasonably priced as a suggestion for an upgrade. She agreed to take on the task of picking it up and installing it. Admittedly my mother has quite a talent for many things; including plumbing. I can also admit it wasn’t an easy task, due to the small space involved in the bathroom, but after staying overnight for about a week, she manged to get most of the task finished. She claimed the drain still wasn’t complete or usable but had to leave and would return at an unknown time leaving a bucket of scattered parts and tools. After approximately a month of her not returning while brushing my teeth and washing my face in the basement sink, I decided to try and see if I could figure out the issue she referred to. I carefully turned the water on while watching below for any dripping but didn’t seem to observe any so resumed using the sink while watching closely for any water spillage. Fortunately, all seemed to be performing properly. When she had come to work on the faucet she delivered a box from my brother’s family with basic items; containing toothpaste, toilet paper, canned goods, and some snacks decorated with pretty valentine ribbons. I naturally documented my email response and further response’ from my sister in law. Apparently facebook is the only form of communication available to those who are relationship challenged?
The transformation of after and before.
February 17, 2018 My response: Thank you for thinking of me but I will be sending most of the items back. I guess when you think of me you think of brushing your teeth and wiping your butt? LOL I’m not a beggar who is in need of basic items. Do you really believe I am not wiping when I go to the bathroom or brushing my teeth? I don’t need family for these items. Did it ever occur to you that thinking of me could be a phone call or message? I do not understand why actual truth and communication is so hard for you to comprehend? It also saddens me that you attend church on a regular basis and yet foreign to how functional and loving relationships work. I do understand though because God continues to reveal the reality that He has called to my life. Sarcoidosis saved me from getting lost in the worldly culture. Praise the Lord! Thinking about someone requires knowing and understanding someone on a deeper level. God has called me to a higher standard of functional and Loving relationships of substance. If you actually knew what was going on in my life you would know the importance for holistic living and avoiding toxins in the process of seeking healing and restoration. I no longer even use regular toothpaste containing toxic/poison and use charcoal powder for brushing. “Wen” is what I intentionally allow on my hair. With Gods help and direction I strive for clean eating and alkalinity. I try to avoid most processed foods and have found fasting beneficial both physically and spiritually in my journey for healing. I’m not trying to seem ungrateful; it’s just my gratitude apparently lies in a much deeper place than you? God provides in many ways and doesn’t need your burnt offerings, because that is what this gesture seems like? I’m sorry my vision is much deeper than yours and why I have felt it best to avoid any contact with people who do not care to understand or know my truth; which is Love! My expectations are not any different than what I am willing to give. I live truth and authenticity. I refuse to conform to the world and unfortunately recognize when others do. I refuse to be silent and feel the need to tip toe and walk on egg shells around anyone;nobody should believe that is acceptable or righteous. Love doesn’t seek it’s own way and you clearly have a problem with my truth not matching yours. I have no ill feelings towards you and the family but refuse to go through the motions ever. I continue to pray for Gods Will in all our lives, whatever it may be. Glad He calls the shots in my world. I simply do not have any energy to waste going through the motions. Cute picture of the kids. It’s too bad that you can’t value truth as one of the best gifts in the world; even when you might not want to accept it. #IronSharpensIron Tell Matthew and Annette I do think of them, pray and miss them. Just wondering what Annette’s picture was about since I do not like making assumptions and pictures aren’t necessarily self explanatory? Lastly, second hand information is not always accurate, so it is best to avoid it (gossip) .
I, Dawn, am sorry that I have a functional sense of gift giving. I do not tend to give frivolous gifts to people. We were just trying to show some care and concern for you. The picture Annette drew is of her and Matthew. Did it ever occur to you that you are the one who has cut off connection with us by de-friending us on Facebook? How would you expect people to interpret such an act? Or the fact that you don’t call us. Communication and relationships are two-way. Has it ever occurred to you that you speak out of both sides of your mouth? People try to show concern for you, but you cut them off. YOU are the one who has cut off communication. Then you turn around and say, “But if you really cared about me then you would know that I don’t eat or use this.” Honestly, I’m not the least bit surprised by your email. In fact, because I had an idea of how you would probably respond, I hesitated at even taking the time for us to put it together for you. There are plenty of others whom we could have given a practical gift like that to who would be grateful- even if they couldn’t use all of it. Why do you have to turn everything into something negative? Even if there are things that you couldn’t use, you could still show appreciation and pass them on to others who might be able to use them- neighbors, friends, etc. I hope you will really stop and think about the fact that you are, at least partially, responsible for the strained relationships that you have with your family. We were only trying to reach out and show that we truly do care and do think about you. Dawn
My response I am, that is why I am returning it. You are clueless when it comes to how caring actually works! I see through your facade and that irritates you. That is correct relationships are a 2 way street based on truth! Something you hypocrites lack! Do you not think I am able to function? Clueless! Again……… It requires living a life of transparency. It’s simple cause/effect but then narcissists don’t ever take responsibility for anything. You had plenty of opportunities to show any concern. Less is More for me; not expecting any lavish or wordly gifts like you obviously think of naturally. Like I mentioned a phone call or email is plenty. I have every right to do as the Bible has instructed in Psalms to stay away from deceivers and liars and guard my heart. I practice what the Bible teaches, not just memorize and legalize; something foreign to you obviously. If you expected my reaction then why in Gods name would you continue to follow your own understanding and wishes. Why can you not respect that I have standards that revolve around Christ? You should too! That is what is so unbelievable! Get over yourselves and seek what God would have you do. BTW, facebook is for shallow relationships in case you hadn’t noticed. It is for the emotionally lazy!
In the typical conditioning process associated with having a narcissist for a parent, my brother and sister both ended up as codependent’s, which resulted in marrying narcissists. See the book “The human magnet syndrome” by Ross Rosenberg for further insight into this reality. I recently came to the realization that I was the scapegoat growing up and fortunately never got married as a result of the impact and journey with sarcoidosis. I have been healing my own self love deficit issues since the awareness of my psychological influence and history. I’ve never been so thankful for the way my health challenges directed my life and journey with Christ.
My mother had been preoccupied with sickness and when Easter arrived received the following texts.
April 1,2018
B: Easter is a good time to repent for your sins. Happy Easter!
B: God is mad at you for treating your Mother, Father, Sister, and brother with no respect. It is wrong to be that way. It says in the Bible. You are not perfect, and I am not perfect.
B: Happy Easter ! Christ has risen from the dead! He died so we may live. He died for your and my sins. I pray that you will repent of all your sins. I know that you think you are sin free, but that is wrong. And I am calling you out on your sins. Just ask your neighbor. We are born again, but even born again people sin. It is just human nature. The way you treat your family is very wrong.
Notice how she always has to hijack others in her perceived battle; as if it is some power grab. Besides for the insanity that she has been divorced from my Dad since I was in kindergarten and there has been no communication between them; she again just throws out complete nonsense. She has no idea about my relationships with my siblings or Father; it doesn’t involve her. She loves to gossip and make statements for others despite the reality of situations. She even had to involve my neighbor whom she doesn’t know other than through facebook. Talk about delusions. Everything is projection and gaslighting and why I’ve learned the need of documentation when dealing with her. Her accusations of me cutting down other people when this conversation is proof and evidence that she is the only one that has pulled others into the conversation with insults. I have learned and chosen to be very intentional with my words and actions. I hate gossip and truly care about my actions and words upon others, because of my Love and loyalty to Christ. It is something foreign to a narcissist; they are one dimensional revolving around themselves.
My mother contacted me and invited me to attend a Norwegian Buffet that she had wanted to try that I had attended previously. She picked me up and we made the hour trip to the place with no conflict as I remained silent for the most part. Afterward was a different story. I can’t even remember the specifics of what I said that inspired her typical inappropriate remarks, just that it started with her usual insensitivity regarding my health. As if my sudden need to sit down and leave suddenly after eating because of feeling ill wasn’t enough to remind her of the severity of my health and chronic reality? She had said something that I responded truthfully, so therefor it was an attack on her naturally. She dropped me back at the house and the following day I sent her an email to help express my feelings of disgust that set in as a result of her constant reminders of her importance, my limited value and lack of appreciation. Writing is so much easier when dealing with toxic people; especially being an empath. March 7, 2019 You are selfish. You have a lot of material wealth, you should not feel you are owed. In fact, if you actually were living for Christ you would want to help others, including your own children, out of Love for Christ! Your father was selfless and gave MUCH, wanted little because He was filled with the Holy Spirit and you are the exact opposite. Tithing has nothing to do with church; it’s about being the church and helping those in need with whatever resource’s God provides wherever. Where does the approximately $4500 annually you owe Christ go? Obviously the tax on the house that shelters me could be included, if it was indeed a service to Christ and you didn’t expect payment. You are obviously blind to my need and filled with your lack of Love and service. It is ironic how you always use the excuse you bought the house you inherited and I have lived in the past 21 years to help me, but that is such a lie! First of all, you bought the 50% of the value from your brother for him and it was never a necessity. Secondly, it was about control, because everything you do has expectations and strings attached. The expectation is that I cannot be truthful and should worship you for doing what God expects is only right. Nothing says greed more than trying to take something from someone that doesn’t have it! Talk about evil! It is ironic but makes sense because if you don’t feel gratitude from God, you obviously can’t possess it to project it onto others. It’s also true that the people who have the least are the most generous. It is sad that you cling to what you have; it is the opposite of gratitude and generous. You live in sin because you live in bondage and can’t change in your own abilities; it requires letting go and allowing Christ to do the work. I fear for you greatly because your heart is not filled with the Holy Spirit; it is apparent you are deceived by satan; thinking you can’t repent and break free from the mistakes and soul ties you’ve made. It is a lie and I only want you free from that part of yourself ,so you will finally reap something worthwhile. Christ wants you, quit denying Him and you just might be amazed at the true freedom! It’s not about what mistakes you’ve made or what you have done. It’s about being a new creation in Christ and releasing the old garbage, that shouldn’t be part of life anymore. You never acknowledge when you hurt or offend others because you can’t feel anything but your own hurt. It’s like you have medical amnesia or don’t fully comprehend the many miracles I have been granted? I’m convinced the reason I’m still alive is because the Lord feels I am the only hope for our lost family! I’m not perfect, I am a product of choosing Christ’s will over myself. I can’t understand why you or anybody else would deny it? But then I learned the hard way. When we are together all you ever focus and talk about are impertinent and shallow things that I can’t relate to because I am purpose driven. It is really irritating. It’s like you don’t have a clue who I am and don’t even care either; probably because it would interfere with your fantasy world and denial? We are obviously like oil and water and it is because deep down our souls serve different things; mine serves Christ, while you serve your irrational mental perspective. You refuse to believe you need help and a Savior. I obviously know how desperately I need a Savior and strength to accomplish little to anything. How many times I’ve heard you boast about missing vacations to be with me in my time of need. Really? This statement reveals how twisted your priorities are; it implies that you wish you hadn’t chosen to be a loving parent. How do you think that makes me feel? How many vacations do you think I’ve taken? Vacations aren’t a human right, they are a privilege! Just like your brother you have a twisted idea that “vacations” add value to life. Newsflash….. they don’t, unless you are a heartless and broken person seeking pleasure, which is a bad fruit and makes you guilty of gluttony. Vacations are about not working, so being with me in my time of need was apparently work in your perception and disappointing. Time and time again you make it clear you do not enjoy me or life, so as a rational and emotionally perceptive individual, I will always honor another person and myself; it’s called boundaries. In case you didn’t hear me yesterday. I was thankful and enjoyed the food despite not feeling well.
1 Timothy 5:8 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) 8 And whoever does not provide for relatives, and especially for family members, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
She never responded and has ignored my message presently during the limited occasions we have been in contact. So I’m not sure if it was ever received or she just has been ignoring and denying as is familiar with narcissists.
October 8, 2019
B: I really missed you at the party. The boys had had enough, and wanted to get dressed after half an hour. Jen was too busy to help them , and Matt was just plain lazy.! They both should have been taken out of the pool, but Matt put them in the hot tub. I was afraid the boys might pass out in the joy tin.
B: I ordered from your Dad’s distributor, because your Dad didn’t want to bother to help me. They knew him well. I got all 30 pill bottles, like you gave me. One to replace what you gave me, one for myself, and one for my neighbor Sonia. I don’t like big bottles in my pharmacy bag. I’m sure the place that you gave me to buy the stuff, would have saved me some money, with the larger size, but then, by buying smaller sizes, I was able to share with more people. I am trying to buy just what I need, and not stock up. You would be surprised to see how clean and organized my apartment is. I put things back in their proper place, after I use them, and hang up my clothes. (“Will somebody give her a trophy for doing what functional and purposeful people do all the time! SMH” )
SA: LOL, Dad didn’t want to help? Ironic because you are divorced and he owes you nothing! Dad also knows the selfish hell you have put me through! You are the most entitled selfish person I know!
B: Your father was an abuser, and jumped on me and beat me. I weighed 117 lbs, and he was over 210 lbs., and over a foot taller than me. My neighbor that was pregnant, came out, to my screams, and wanted to testify against him. I ran from the apartment, barefoot, in fear of my life, and wanted him arrested for domestic abuse. DeKalb police refused to do their job. He stole your kid’s money, and never replaced it. I had your money in a drawer from Birthdays and Christmas, and was going to put it in your bank account. The money that he promised to repay me, I had saved my whole life, since I was a child, and made working 6 years at A&W. He took it to buy coins, and things for himself. He bowled in 5 leagues in Chicago, and every year, when it was our Anniversary, he would take off that weekend and go to the Hoinkee Classic. He came home drunk, very often. He went with his folks up to Hayward each year for vacation, and left me home with you kids. It would have been a great experience for us to go up there, especially with my love of fishing and the water. I am very close to his cousin, who used to live there.
SA Difference is he has changed and grown in Christ; it’s called transformation. You will never change because you are enslaved! You don’t know grace or mercy. You are evil! I have documented many of your abuse! Not going to bother with the reminders! All you do is slander others and point out faults in everyone! It’s ironic because you are your biggest abuser! Destroyed 2 homes! Caused sexual damage to your daughters and even caused over 26 years of torture but God has used it all for good! You are a very sick person! Leave me alone. Quit living in the past! Forgiveness is necessary for your own forgiveness and why you live in guilt and shame. All laws of reciprocity that you are blind to! Nothing happens without you inviting it! When you play with fire or demons, you suffer in hell! You live in deception!
3:13 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)13 Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord[a]
B: 1st of all, he is always complaining about how he can’t make a living off of his products, and doesn’t want to help me replace your bottle or sell me some for myself or my neighbor. I offered to pay for shipping and handling. He never paid me the small amount of alimony ordered by the court for him to pay me, and promised to pay me back the $7,000 he borrowed from me, never helped out with Jennifer’s wedding, like the Father or the bride, not the Mother of the bride pays got the wedding, and the little I got for child support, he wrote off as a tax deduction. It didn’t cost him anything in child support, because he claimed that he supported you, and I couldn’t count you as a dependent on taxes. He has changed, and is now a Christian? Not according to the a Bible. Still the selfish person that I’ve always known, who stole money from his kids, and never replaced it.
SA: It’s always about money with you! Greedy bitch who lives in gluttony and is never satisfied with your selfishness! That is right! Dad is being forced into retirement and living off just about nothing just like me and you have the audacity to feel like you are owed!!!!!!! EVIL PSYCHOPATH who is going to burn in hell!
B: We really need to talk civilly to each other, because you are the one living in the past. You can’t forgive me, and live in the past. You are the one that is blind and evil. That is in the past, and your Dad might have changed some, but he is still one of the most selfish people I know, and Pam is too.
SA: LOL Nothing civil about you! You are such a compulsive liar! Mentally ill! I know who I am and I know who you are! You are a no nothing! I have forgiven you because that is freedom! I love my freedom! You are projecting!
October 10, 2019
B: I too have to remove myself from toxic, satanic Stephanie. You know that we are all sinners, and when you see me, you have a tendency to not focus on God, but go back to your evil ways. We are all evil by nature. I have started to talk to David, and that is when he said that he would help with your basement. I am just like my father, and put everyone’s needs before myself. I do NOT do that to avoid my own problems, but because I feel I am doing the Lord’s will. I almost lost my job at the Post Office, trying to do right by you, and using all my 5 weeks of vacation, plus taking leave without pay, and loosing vacation, so I could do for you, out of love. It was a miracle that I was able to stay in the nursing program and graduate with a B average. Most people would have been dropped from the program for taking a month off of school, but I made a month up in 2 weeks on Spring Break, and still had a B average, as if I were listening in class. I learn better by listening and doing, than reading. I learned new skills on my own, and passed clinicals with flying colors. I am very smart, even though I have ADHD, and it is a lot harder to concentrate and listen. My parents had such high standards, is why I always did my best, and asked to sit at the front of the class, to avoid distractions.
Please give me some slack. All I hear is negativity from you, and I am like a little kid, and need praise, to do my best. My parents always praised me for the good that I did. My Dad took me to church, Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and to and from choir practice. I could always count on my parents, and I wanted to pay them back in their old age, for all the love that I was shown. In High School, I was a loner, and listened to the beat of my own drum. That is why I was a virgin on my wedding night, and told your Dad no so many times, because I obeyed God, instead of going with the flow.
I am a very strong person for all the things that I overcame. When your Dad divorced me, it broke me, because I did my best, and I did great! He said that he wasn’t going to grow up until he was 56. I had to basically raise you by myself. I couldn’t make it off of what little he gave me, so I worked a little to get by. He wrote what he gave me off in taxes, because he claimed all of you as dependents, so he got most of the money back in taxes. I worked very hard babysitting and delivering newspapers to put food on the table. I didn’t get food stamps, though I should have qualified, but I was honest and told them of my savings. Instead of going out and blowing my savings, to get food stamps, like the others, I worked my butt off and scraped for every penny I made. I never wasted anything. I couldn’t afford to. The reason I stayed with Greg, is because I really believed in my vows of marriage. To death do us part. After your Dad divorced me, I couldn’t say the word divorced for 2 years. I felt like such a failure, because I tried, even though your Dad abused me, beat me, verbally abused me, and threw things at me. Putting his fist through many walls. I became very good at patching drywall. I always got my complete deposit back, because I made improvements, and left my rental apartment better, and cleaner, than it was when we moved in. (“Caught her in another lie. I remember going to the 7 eleven and using food stamps to purchase bread and milk when I was in kindergarten.”)
SA: Your demonic spirits of mana and jezebel are obvious!
B: If I had to do it again, I would have thrown Greg to the curb. I know now, that I should have protected you, and he didn’t help our standard of living, because I never saw his check. He kept it and blew it on the Chana Auction, bought cars and trucks, fed his brother’s family, and stuff like that. He never saved a dime, and I had to go into my savings many times, just to pay the bills. Fortunately after I paid off my cars, I pretended that I was still making car payments, and put the car payment into savings. And I was very appreciative for the cheap rent my father gave us. That helped a lot. Also, for babysitting and taking care of you as much as possible for free. That’s why I took care of them for free and bought clothes, diapers, food for them for free. I have so much guilt,when they took mother away. I rented that room at the motel to take good care of her. When they put her in the nursing home, they took away her quality of life, and she was abused! Her skin broke down. When I went to visit her, she was sitting in piss and shit! It was all over the floor, and they did nothing. I took her into the bathroom and hosed her down, gave her a bath, and put clean clothes on her many times. Her skin was perfect with me. There, her skin was broken down, and I cleaned her up and but Udder Balm all over her butt to heal her. I brought expensive blister bandaids for her heals, and the nurse stole them, so they were never used on her. I washed all of her clothes. I snuck in egg custard and raspberries, so she could have some quality of life, and when I took her to the movies, I bought her coke, because she dearly loved coke, and had fed it to her, making her tuck her chin, so she didn’t aspirate it into her lungs. It took me 30 minutes to slowly feed her a small cup. You have no idea what I did for Mom. She had no oral care, and I had her up and walking. They strapped her to a wheelchair and gave her too much tube feeding, so she gained a lot of weight at the end. I had to buy larger clothes for the funeral home. I didn’t realize that she was bigger than what I got, or I would have exchanged her blouse for the next size. The funeral home made it do, and didn’t call me, so they slit the back of a new expensive blouse, so they could use it. I wanted her to look her best! I am in tears now, so must stop.
I am not a narcissist! What I said was fact. I am a lot like my Dad. Your cataracts and nystagmus have clouded your vision, and you can’t see clearly. I have been told to not listen to you, because you are not in your right mind because the lesions in your brain mess up your thinking. Satan seems to take over your body when I am trying my best to help you, even when I have been deathly sick. No thankfulness that I dropped my plans to tend to your needs. I have always put my family first, before myself. I took you to Mayo’s, ( “I’d like to add in 1993″ which was 26 years ago.” ) which put my nursing on the line. Most people would have been dropped from the program. It was a miracle that I wasn’t dropped, and made it with flying colors. I saw plenty of people dropped from the program. Why can’t you see the truth? Why do you distort the truth? God knows my heart. He is the only one that matters. I don’t care what you think, because your thinking is so off, it is impossible to discuss things with you. The proof is the evil in your eyes, and the fact that God isn’t in control, when I sit down cool and calm, and you have satan in your heart, and claw and bruise your mother. I never ever left marks on you or anyone when they needed to be punished. You had that look in your eyes, as a child, that my shit don’t stink, and I know it all. Quit being deceived. Focus on the things you have control to change, and stop trying to change everyone else. You were a terrible sister to Jen. You put her down for everything she did. You had to always put her down to make you feel good. She was always between a rock and a hard place, and all she wanted was your love. She wants our family to be whole, just as I do. You have isolated yourself from the world, and even though you think that you focus on God, you let satan come in and separate our family. Look at yourself first. Quit judging! God is the one in control. Not you.
You should be asking God for forgiveness. This is NOT a lie. You did this to me when I was trying to help you, and this is the thanks I got. Get out of my house!
I was a very shy child. I stayed to myself. I was afraid to go to birthday parties. I never stood out. It wasn’t until I took voice lessons, that my voice instructor saw my talent, promoting me, and getting me to get up in front of people. When I was winning firsts in State Competition and made All State Band, I never saw or clipped articles about my achievements. I didn’t brag. I just acted normal.
You seem to be like your Dad. Selfish, self centered, and don’t have the ability to love people unconditionally. You put conditions on your love, and therefore are unable to love truly. True love never dies. It goes on forever. I am glad that your neighbors finally got married instead of living in sin. That is there own business, and they have shown you Christian love. A great influence on you. How come they could do no wrong? No one is perfect. Lest you or me. Why didn’t you feel the urge to correct them, like everyone else?
B: What does that pertain to me? You are the toxic person. I didn’t do anything to deserve your abuse, and never got mad. I was filled with the Holy Spirit, and keep quiet and strong, asking you to please stop. I didn’t hit back. I just took your rage. But you can’t see that, because you are the narcissist. You are always right even though you have been wrong in so many ways. I don’t like labels. They are like calling people names. You learned nothing in psychology. You got a D in it twice, and I told you to talk to your instructor.He or she would have raised your grade to a C the second time around if he thought that you were trying. You refused to do that, and then dropped out.
You are so wrong! I used to keep a very good house. Everyone told me I was just like my Dad. Why do you persecute me! Stop making me cry. I need to talk to you !You twist everything that I say. My brother was just like Mom.
Why do you think that I am a nurse? Why did I become a nurse? Just like my father the Medic in the Army. Jennifer is just like me. You are just like your Dad. And David used to be the best of both of us combined. Now he is just the worst of both of us. He changed, in the Marines, and has changed since he married Dawn. Because Dawn and her family are deceived, and really non believers that have sucked your brother into their cult, he has changed in the last 10+ years. He still has Christ down in his heart, but Dawn has tried to change him, but at least he never joined her church, and has tried to pull away from her church, because he wasn’t being fed by her church. He was starving! The kids (Matthew & Annette) shared with me what a horrible time they had at Salvation Army Camp. Annette had an ok time, but they complained that all the kids from all over the United States were Black and Hispanic. They were the only white kids, and all those kids did was bully Matthew, confuse him, tell him wrong places to go, so he would miss out on the fun, and laugh at him. When I have taken them to all black affairs, they have had a great time, and blended in with the others as if they were friends. Matthew just wanted to make new friends. They were horrible to him, and that is what Grandma Zahn & Dawn made them go to.
Dawn is a control freak, and has tried to control me, but I just shut up, by the will of God, and didn’t make waves, so I finally, after a year, got to take Annette to the washed out Creston Booster Days. We had a great time getting candy at the parade, but then I asked her what she would like to do the rest of the day, so she wanted to shop at the Mall. I ended up spoiling her for her Birthday and Christmas together, because I spent $60 on a Build-a-Bear, and watched how it was done. I had never been in the store before. They put a scented heart inside the bear. We got all the accessories, because I knew that they would be gone if we didn’t get them then. I called Dave from the mall to get some information for the bear, so that Dawn could get credit for the bear, because they didn’t have her account on file. I wasn’t going to spend any more money at that store. It was way too expensive. I wanted to get Annette something that I thought she would really like. When I bought her a coat a few years back, I took 2 coats for her to select from, and she wore the coat lovingly for several years, even though she has grown so quickly. She is bigger than her brother. Of course I got chewed out by Dave for not calling first, but said to him that I didn’t do anything wrong, and when his Dad takes the kids for a weekend, he doesn’t call him for permission to take the kids where he wants to go, so Dave agreed with me. I gave him back the $20 he gave me for rides, and shared St. John’s Norwegian food that I picked up at their booth, with Annette. She thought that it was good. I plan on going to Matthew’s next soccer game if it is good weather. Snow is predicted out West, and possible freeze or near freeze here.
Please stop making me cry. The tears have built up pressure in my ear, headache, and now my teeth are aching. I was getting better, but toxic Stephanie, made me feel really worse, when I was feeling better. I need to be loved. Not tortured. I need positive, encouragement. Before all the flooding and training, I was making progress on the house. By being ill, and giving my all to my little patient, she has gotten better, and I am making a difference in her and her families lives. I know that God put me there for a purpose, and I am just what they needed. They need lots more of me, but Instead of working 2 ten hour shifts, I am working 3 eight hour shifts. They really need me 5 nights, but I have set my limit, so I can work at the house, when I feel better. I was so sick, that instead of hauling my clothes home to wash and dry, I spent $3.00 per load to wash the clothes in the washers and driers just outside my apartment. 48 apartments use those 2 washers and dryers, so I washed in the middle of the night, so they would be free for others.
I never once, got an apology from him, for all the pain he tortured me with. He NEVER changed one diaper on any of his kids. I had to teach him when the grandkids came along, because he was so stupid, that he put a disposable diaper on, inside out. I have treated your father decent when we have been together in public, since our divorce. I had a very difficult time saying the word divorced, for 2 years after our divorce. I am one of the most loyal people you will ever find on this earth. I could go on and on, but I won’t, and I did nothing to brainwash you into hating your father. I always left the door open for him. He used to come out to the farm and want to have sex with me, after he divorced me. I refused, and he cried. I kept myself a virgin for our marriage, and I dated him for 4 years. Please don’t judge my relationship with God. It isn’t your place to do so. God knows how I feel about him. Not you. You want to correct everyone, but you cannot accept criticism, when you are wrong in your thinking of the Bible, and I have many Christian friends that would love to straighten out your messed up thinking.
SA: Another person can’t make you cry! It is called reaping what you sow! You are evil and shouldn’t have responded but you asked for it! You hate your reality which is ironic. You made your bed. Gosh you are this upset over the truth and I don’t even matter, just wait till you are face to face with Christ and answering for all your evil sins. Good to know even more what an absolute psychopath you are. So your husband wasn’t expected to contribute anything but the daughter you brought into the world, with a chronic illness living in poverty somehow owes you to take care of your property! How dare I expect anything from you out of actual LOVE, which you are void of! The world revolves around you in your sick warped mind. You think nothing of blowing money on worldly garbage but how dare I have a roof over my head! Hypocrisy much! Quit texting me if you can’t handle the truth!
Apologies? I’ve NEVER heard any apologies from you for any of the abuse you have caused! The verbal abuse has been extensive; free loader, just to name a few. Then there is the bully tactics! Sexual abuse at the hands of your husband! It’s always about how everyone else is wrong and owes you! #Entitlement
B: I have apologized to you, but your ears are deaf just like your father’s. You don’t listen, because you are too busy telling others how wrong they are. You have acted like you are entitled to live in grandpa’s house. You never act like you appreciate the fact that I bought Uncle Mark out, so that you would have a place to live. Have you taken my advice and called that Chicago Attorney? He can help you, and God led me to him to help you. I call that love.
SA: You have NEVER apologized EVER! I document everything! LIAR!!!!!!! Not exactly sure how you decided you deserve anything you have because you shit all over it! You are not entitled to ANYTHING you have! It is all by the grace of God and He determines what people have. You have NO authority over anything and give it to satan!
You are so clueless! There is absolutely nothing in your life that shows you serve Christ! You serve Mana and your self aka satan! The idea that you believe that knowing RELIGION has anything to do with a relationship with Christ is unbelievable! I live in the supernatural of Christ and that doesn’t happen without Christ! You are demonic! Quit deflecting because you keep revealing how insane you really are! REPENT! We Know them by their “fruits”!
Collage of the hoarding bondage my mother has been living.
B: Will you quit trying to put a guilt trip on ME? Drop Greg! It is in the past, and God has forgiven me. Why can’t you, if you have Him in your heart? God took Greg out of the picture, to save you and Jen. You never have to look at him again. I believe that God forgave Greg, and he is in heaven. Greg had a loving heart, and would give you the shirt off his back. He wasn’t ALL bad. Yes, I admit that I should have kicked him to the curb, but I took our Wedding Vows very seriously! Till death do us part. Well it ended till death do us part. God made it that way, because I couldn’t do what needed to be done. Thank God for the abuse, and that He saved you from it. Quit blaming me for not protecting you. Greg was there when Jennifer tried to commit suicide. She might be dead, if he hadn’t taken her to the hospital. He worked in the cold and drifting snow out at Kish, in the dark, to repair a car for one of you. Yes, he had his faults. He abused me, but I stepped in and protected Jennifer, when Greg got mad and was going to hit her. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk again when he pushed me onto the galvanized bucket, and I crushed full cans of soup and vegetables with my hip, but Jen saved me by running to Knight’s and called for help. I couldn’t get up. I had to learn to walk again. I stayed 5 days in the hospital. It was a good thing that Greg went to jail. He learned his lesson, and never did it again. I forgave him for what he did to me. Why can’t you? You never said that you were sorry for beating me up, but I forgave you. Why can’t you forgive me, if you have Christ in your heart? I could really use your help in organizing. I am clueless, but am trying. You might have some good suggestions. I am trying to keep my apartment clean and nice, but it has been hard being sick, working, and living in half an apartment. I have been flooded 3 times in 4 months, and need to get back in my house. I have been giving good things away, throwing out, and returning what I can to the store. It all takes time. I have blocked telemarketers, and the phone is getting much better. I was getting the garbage out every time it got full. All my dishes were washed. The grandkids said to me that I didn’t have much in my refrigerator, or much in my cupboards. My closet is only half full. Give me a break! I know that I lacked discipline, but after I retired, I felt like taking it easy, and began to be a pig again. Yes, I thought that I had worked my butt off all my life, and deserved to take a break. I have been pushing my body beyond it’s limits, and haven’t been able to sleep because of inconsiderate people, and by taking prednisone. I haven’t had pain for the first time in years, but I know that it won’t last. I haven’t been taking Norco, since I need to think my best at work. My job isn’t easy. I have had many malfunctions with the equipment. She has had a double ear infection, and I monitor her all night long, having to suction, do nebulizer treatments, add humidification to her trach, and sometimes put her on oxygen to keep her O2 saturation’s above 94%. It is a lot of responsibility for getting paid just $20 per hour. State cases don’t pay that well, but I have been reunited with my old nurses from Danny’s case, and met others that worked for Alpha Christian Registry. We are all in the same boat. No pay differential for nights, no weekend pay, no bonuses. But people who take your order at McDonalds, that have no skills like me, want $15 per hour. I work hard for my money. Money and things don’t mean that much to me. It’s just that I put value on them, because I worked so hard to pay for the things I have. In reality, I could be a missionary, and get by on nothing much. I am going to try to downsize. I wanted so many of the things that I have, so that I could entertain, like I used to when I first moved in. I thought that my house was mouse proof, but discovered that it wasn’t when I started moving in. My crawl space is where I believe they are coming in. It wasn’t properly sealed. I found that out, when Jennifer moved into a house with a crawl space under her laundry room. God blessed me with Gorman snakes, to help get rid of the mice. They are beautiful, but scared me to death. I had to ask God to protect me from these semi venomous snakes, and the mice at night. I know that God brought them to me, because they aren’t supposed to be in this area. You have no idea what I have been through. Only Sonia knows about the snakes, and her mother had a big rat in her apartment in Chicago, and she is very clean.
You don’t even read things right. I said that I bought your brother out, meaning that I bought his half. Also, his half of the farm. I am very grateful for what my Dad and Mother have done for me. That is why I lovingly took care of them, and bought the house in Rockford with them in mind. Before I bought the house, I had Dad come and approve of it, and asked if he might picture himself and grandma living with me at sometime in the future. I didn’t lie! You are so blind! You are so wrong! I won’t call you names, but the Holy Spirit is not showing in your heart. You are always right, even though you interpret the scriptures incorrectly. I’ve had a lot more education on the Bible than you! I might not be able to name the chapter or verse, but it is in my heart. I am finished trying to communicate with you. I have to separate myself from your delusional thinking. Yes, you would have reaped more from me, but you are the one that chose to shut me out. You don’t know how to honor thy parents as it says in the Bible. You also forgot about how God led me to purchase that ticket that you benefited from at Heritage Days. I don’t normally gamble, but I put your name on six tickets, and God chose your’s. A gift from God! I am not shutting you out. You are the selfish delusional person. You have no idea where my money or tithe goes. If you have nothing good to say, then it is better to say nothing. That is what I was taught. You probably won’t call that lawyer, because you are a stubborn brat that is blind and deaf. God helps them that help themselves. I feel that that attorney was sent from God to help you, but you are apparently deaf to God’s WORD! Go ahead and struggle, because you are too stubborn to do the right thing, even when God puts it in your hand. I wanted to learn more from you and your homeopathy. I could have used your help, and would have paid you gas money for your help, but you are the selfish one. Selfish Stephanie, just like Selfish Stephen. You were named after him, because when I first held you in my arms, you looked just like your father. Like father, like daughter, and you have turned into him. Not something to be proud of. I pray that you will really open your heart to Christ and show the world his light, as in “This Little Light of Mine.” I pray that you will get your sight and hearing back, and I pray for your messed up brain. I want our family to be whole again, just as much as Jennifer does. We are so much alike. God bless! Mom
SA: You are DELUSIONAL and SICK! Greg is not in heaven, I can literally almost guarantee it! The gate is narrow and very few enter through it! In fact, many so called Christian’s like yourself will hear “I never knew you.” False gospel is an epidemic! Good trees don’t produce bad fruit like gluttony,greed,idolatry,sloth. I’m finished with you! Only $29 an hour? Poor thing! You are insane! Selfish 2 year old, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine! I have forgiven, learn what it means! You are psychotic! Be careful because God just might rescue me from you like he did Greg! You are such a lying bitch! Talk about irony! Everything you bring up is all about the past! You are the one that doesn’t understand forgiveness, mercy, or grace! It is why it is so obvious you live in the flesh! Give it up! You are not rational! You deflect everything! I am done with your verbal abuse and attacks! You make it so obvious how difficult it is to be a loving authentic person! Work on your own self awareness and development and quit harassing me! Until you fix yourself, there is no possibility of a relationship with you! Functional doesn’t work with dysfunction! It’s not about perfection but about submission to Christ! New Creation like the Bible refers to when you are saved. The renewing of the mind and transformation! STOP!!!!!!!!! You are wicked! Evil! I want nothing to do with you at this point! You accuse me of exactly everything you do and it’s called deflection and projection! Lovingly took care of them? OMG! You keep on showing just how outrageously disconnected from reality and should be locked up in a mental institution!
Anybody else notice all the contradictions in her comments. First she claimed Greg never gave her any money and blew it all, then within a few more sentences is claiming he was caring and would give the shirt off of his back? Which is it?! Oh the struggle my mother must have only making $29 an hour? On top of her social security, retirement, husbands pension, and 2 farming income’s. How does she ever make it on over $45,000 annually with no mortgage? I have lived on less than $10,000 the last 4 years and the most I ever made was around $27,000 on a good health year.Narcissism is a symptom of demonic possession and involves gluttony,addiction, materialism, idolatry, manipulation, insecurity, and every fruit of satan.
SA: Being shy is a result of insecurity and insecurity is a fruit of satan. I am well aware of your insecurity and why you seek validation and praise. It is because you don’t know value in Christ. You are deceived thinking value comes from what you produce or have; also why you have a house full of garbage because you don’t understand value. Thanks for continuing to affirm everything I already know about you and your bondage.
A concept my mother doesn’t understand.
Sent this video sermon to my mother.
Holidays always force the lonely narcissist out of their minds.
11/29/19 B: Sorry, but your messages were not available for me to read or see. Safari can't find the server.
SA: How convenient? You aren't able to watch youtube videos on safari? SMH As usual your satanic phone and the devil are very good at controlling your life and keeping you blind to truth and in bondage! Also, as usual your response makes absolutely no rational or logical sense. Why would I be mad that you weren't able to see the video I sent? It's your loss. not mine, I already enjoyed the video!
B:" Sorry, but I have no control over that.Don't get mad at me when I tell you the truth"
SA: Who said anything about being mad? LOL You must be projecting your anger of lack of control! I was just stating the obvious that you are blind and in bondage because of your choice to use a satanic phone and you confirmed it by the fact you couldn't see it. Sucks to be in bondage like you!
B: You are assuming, and when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. Why don't you try judging yourself before you judge others. We are not to make judgements on others. Let God be the judge. You aren't always right, even
though you think that you always are. Try showing a little love, if you can, because when others look at you they don't see the love of God shinning through. All they see is bitterness and judgement."
SA: You are assuming and projecting, how ironic! Avoiding the obvious question too! It's called gas lighting! You can't speak for other people; it is called gossip! I also KNOW your mind is warped because of your obvious fruits. If you actually judged people as the Bible instructs, you would have recognized Greg was someone to avoid! I know Christ intimately and He is the only ONE who I listen to. Go play your mind games on somebody else!
While preparing for a request of review to the Appeals Council I decided it could be eye opening to share my experience with others in hopes the process could be better understood and exposed. As I was forming the content it really challenged me to the depths of it’s impact and initiated a growth of purpose. I can’t help but want to pursue change to this system that tortures people in their most vulnerable moments. It’s almost as if it would have to be intentional and a source of evil. I have been almost obsessed with psychology the last few years in my journey dealing with so much insanity in the world. The closer I come to understanding, the more I come to the conclusion that psychology was created by man in an attempt to explain and label the unseen spiritual fruits of satan? I have always insisted social security should be a private entity and I can’t help but want to expose the administration for what it truly is; a tool for satan. The process is biased, absent of due process, and ssa gets to decide which evidence will be used to manipulate, aka witchcraft. The hearing is basically an interview where you are put on trial and anything you say, can and will be used against you. There is no recourse until the determination; which happens approximately 3 months later. I demand limited government!
First of all, I wanted nothing to do with the government and didn’t even start the application process until over a year had passed after losing my job, when it became apparent I no longer had a chance at earning an income with my limitations. So on January 3, 2017 I submitted my application. Of course it was denied and I appealed waiting in limbo until I could get a hearing. I was notified a couple months prior to my hearing date that it was scheduled for November 19, 2018. In the mean time I had found legal representation online and had communicated with staff by phone and email; never meeting until my hearing. An attorney contacted me the Friday before the hearing to go over my case in preparation of the hearing. Needless to say, I ended up in tears during the conversation. It was actually quite annoying and remember Andrew commenting “I’ve done many of these hearings, just never as complicated as yours.” Umm he waits until 3 days before the hearing to figure this out? All the records had been sent at point of contact with health providers. I really wanted this to go well and made sure I was keeping up with my responsibility; in hopes things would flow accordingly. Right then I knew this was not going to go well but it was the Friday before my hearing on Monday, so I was without options at this point. Not trusting this attorney I decided I would bring a file with the most significant records involving my case and arrived well in advance hoping to review my case with the poor excuse for legal representation. As he was looking over the documents I provided, he acted as if he had never seen the report of my brain MRI from September 2017? I had been given confirmation via email from the legal assistant following the results. Living with a chronic illness for as long as I have you definitely learn the importance of communication and the need to be proactive. My hearing day had arrived and during the broadcast, as I like to call it, because you are sitting at a table and basically skyping on a big screen; the judge asked some questions and after my turn was over addressed a doctor by speaker phone that worked for social security about my file. Apparently this doctor’s opinion was preferential over my physicians, who have dealt with my condition between 5 to 19 years and he basically discounted everything. The doctor even implied that I no longer had my condition because I wasn’t taking medications to control it? The judge gave my attorney a chance to offer a statement and he questioned the phone doctor something about calcium with sarcoidosis, which seemed unusual and irrelevant, but not being the expert in disability legality figured maybe I was missing something? The judge ordered a psyche evaluation even though he didn’t feel I needed it? Afterwards the attorney and I walked out of the building together and in a very casual demeanor he commented “I hope you thought I did alright.” I then questioned when I would know more about my case and why I would need a psyche evaluation; given my illness was physical? He actually responded he wasn’t sure? It was a total nightmare! After I returned home I was so upset I contacted my cousin from Arkansas to vent about the train wreck and wanting out from the deal. I was all new to attorney business but after talking to her boyfriend she assured me I didn’t have to retain him. After I got off the phone with her, I pulled my original contract to clarify any terms and was relieved I could fire him. I then proceeded to write a letter of termination to the attorney and send it certified. I didn’t feel the need to pursue further representation because it seemed mute and obvious that lawyers are clueless to health/illness and there was a major breakdown.
December 21, 2018 I had an appointment for the psyche evaluation; as a side note it was a very strange experience. The location was a big house with single lane driveway turned business? I drove around the surrounding blocks until I found a place with parking along the street. When I arrived the psych guy was in with a client and I had to wait awhile. As I was sitting in the main area, I could hear just about every word between the client and him. So much for privacy?
In order to gain some support, I decided I would finally contact the state representatives office that I had volunteered for in the previous campaign, that his campaign manager in a previous conversation had suggested regarding my situation. His office forwarded all the documents I provided and I received a notice back from them with a response from ssa indicating they already had the information? I couldn’t understand how that was possible because I had appointments in December following the dismissal of legal representation? It was expected to take 3 months for ssa to come to a decision in my case. Three months later I received notice for another hearing? I was thinking for what? I could not help but find this ridiculous and confusing. My supplemental hearing was on May 2, 2019 and as I anticipated; it did not disappointment for being pointless. Different judge, same skype channel. The judge proceeds to state that my previous judge had retired and he was assigned to the case for a decision. He indicated he had the opportunity to evaluate my records and felt he had a good understanding of the case. He then asked if I wanted to say anything? I replied I didn’t really understand why I would need another hearing and that my medical records should speak for themselves. I also mentioned I didn’t have any faith in the process and wasn’t sure what I could add. It made absolutely no sense. “Would you like to say anything?” About what? He was the judge that summoned me. If there was a particular reason for this hearing, shouldn’t he be the one asking questions based on the need and reason for the hearing. They literally could have called me on the phone to accomplish what occurred. Based on this hearing I found it crazy the judge even questioned why I didn’t have legal representation? Seriously, what am I missing because I feel as though I’ve been punk’d! As of this past week I received an unfavorable finding and the next step is requesting a review from the Appeals Council and waiting another 18 months for them to spiritually assault me; causing stress and preventing any healing.
I have this annoying innate desire in me to create order out of chaos, just like Christ, so I’ve learned from the best. It would be a bonus if God could move it to change. For now I can just have faith He will use this situation for His glory. I just wish I knew why I get all the dirty jobs? 😉 Of course it could always be worse and I could be a politician. The following paragraphs are my response’ to the unfavorable findings explanation, and what I discern as “gas lighting” .
I received notice of an unfavorable decision for social security disability and I don’t have any other choice but to request a review by the Appeals Council. I find it suspect that the documentation in the conclusion of findings was missing the most severe diagnosis’ I have been afflicted with since 2015, despite confirmation of receiving these records from my Hematologist at OSF and Urologist at Loyola; which documented Secondary Immune Deficiency, ITP, and Chronic Kidney disease. Also, my official diagnosis is systemic neurosarcoidosis and the MRI confirms this diagnosis, so the administrations qualifying diagnosis and assessment of sarcoidosis is incorrect; it disregards actual diagnosis completely. The evidence clearly proves my systemic involvement and is proven beyond any doubt, based on the multiple organs involved. I am in complete dismay how the findings could realistically come to the conclusion otherwise and that my case be deemed not severe or systemic? I have several specialist’ that have been involved in my care that include; endocrinology, urology, hematology, pulmonary, and last but not least neurology, which is a good indication my condition is systemic and severe. I’d suggest a credible doctor be deciding on this matter because the findings in my determination contradict the truth. Basic anatomy confirms these systems work together and how the nervous system is the operations manager. Maybe this is why judges shouldn’t be making determinations on health issues and that doctors familiar with the patients case should not be disregarded. The mere fact that more weight was given to an assigned doctor, who has never seen me, performed an examination, and based solely off of potentially transposed information, is completely dishonest and opposite of evidence based. Another contradiction to the findings was that the doctor on the phone watched? Afterwards? How would that add any insight? I’m apparently guilty of being too hot for illness? LOL In addition, the agency doctor proved he is unreliable by statements violating the oath a doctor takes “To do no harm.” Therefore his opinions cannot be used in good faith or trusted. The administration process is completely flawed, as with most things run by the government. To state there is no evidence that would suggest my condition is systemic; defies all logic and evidence.
systemic
[sis-tem´ik] pertaining to or affecting the body as a whole. systemic disease one affecting a number of tissues that perform a common function.
My case is so sever and rare most physicians have much difficulty and seem very intimidated treating all the involvement. As a result I am passed around like a hot potato from specialist to specialist. In the coveted 15 minutes I’m allowed with my doctors, the typical response to my concerns are always ” It’s the sarcoidosis.” So I’m sent on my way to deal. It is why I have been left with no choice but to go the distance over the course of my illness. It is also why I was forced to become my own advocate and be very selective in health care decisions. The worst of my dysfunctions involve the nervous system, which is essential for complete body function, an immune system that was created to defend the body from unseen microorganisms seeking to call our bodies home, and finally, chronic kidney stones leading to 10 kidney surgeries within the past 10 years causing kidney scarring and damage. If that wasn’t enough, chronic splenomegaly that had been repeatedly acknowledged in pet scan, and the multiple ultrasounds provided, acquired immune deficiency, I.T.P., residual brain lesions causing episodic dysphasia and documented nystagmus resulting in vision limitations; which possibly contribute to the unexpected balance disturbance I encounter on occasion. The lung scarring becomes apparent when afflicted with a rhino/retro virus; causing mucus drainage into the lungs, stimulating uncontrollable and convulsive coughing spells; that result alternating between vomiting and urine leakage. The coughing is triggered so deeply it feels as if you are drowning in mucus and left gasping for air. It’s humiliating, exhausting, and you prefer to avoid putting on a show to any bystanders. It happens more often than not; in fact I’ve currently been sick with a virus since my last hematology appointment, which is no surprise given the environment and being surrounded by other immune suppressed individuals carrying underlying infections. Doctors office’ are the last place you want to be when immune compromised. The consequence of having immune deficiency and getting sick results with an average 6 to 8 weeks before achieving symptom resolution. I have used a journal to document my health the last few years to better realize the impact, because after dealing with dysfunction for an extended period of time, it somehow becomes normal with a tendency to produce denial. Sometimes I wish I could record the ugly episodes that come with this condition, however, I have enough respect for myself and others to not want to torture anyone. I only share things that I can dress up; like kidney stones. After assessment of my journal documentation during the previous Dec-May, 78 of 182 days were bad involving additional ailments or virus’. Almost half of my life is spent sick with acute illness on top of chronic illness. To expect me to compete with healthy individuals is not only unfair but cruel! I’m at such a loss and feel attacked by all the inaccurate and incomplete findings. It was confirmed by the judge of receipt of the evidence, yet has been completely overlooked or missing from the finding evaluation. Not only have I been engaged in a physical battle over 25 years, but I would be an emotional basket case if it weren’t for my strong faith, intentional living, and believing in hope for better days. It shouldn’t be a surprise that through this process I would be dealing with mild anxiety and depression; due to being continuously forced to reflect on the last 4 years of illness and stuck in a system that prevents me from moving forward. To have a standard in the law where age is even a determining factor for disability, isn’t even rational but certainly explains ignorant comments such as “You’re too young to be sick?” Disability does not discriminate and inflammation is part of the aging process. Despite appearance’ my body has been in a chronic inflammatory state, aging at twice the rate for over 25 years. It is well documented that an additional year can be added to every year dealing with inflammatory conditions because inflammation is resistance. Medications don’t eliminate inflammation completely and at best only reduce it. Another suspect criteria used in the determination of disability is being on medications for treatment? Apparently according to ssa laws the more medication needed the more support for disability? This qualifying standard has got to be the most irrational concept of all. It literally reveals that medications are completely worthless for improvement of illness. If you were taking medications for a condition and it improved the condition and quality of life, you wouldn’t need disability! Talk about an oxymoron!
I have been held hostage by the social security administration after working approximately 29 years and 22 of those years under the influence of illness and chemotherapy/immune suppression. During those years I worked an average 30 hour work week, accompanied by 4 medical leaves annually the previous 5 years, while employed. The audacity of the statement claiming that I have worked 20 years with my condition; omits the obvious lack in understanding of progression of disease. It would be like stating because you have driven a vehicle for 20 years, there would be no reason it would break down and not perform. By that standard why would there ever be a need to retire? In fact, aging is similar to biologic mileage and anything working against the body, such as chronic illness, inflammation, or other factors add additional mileage. There are plenty of people much older that have much greater stamina, capabilities, and quality of life than those younger with ailments. Donald Trump is a great example. I have got nothing on him, or at least anything he would want. 😉
Nothing changes if nothing changes. The only change that has occurred with my health situation over the last 4 years, has been the elimination of working and the difference it has made; allowing isolation; minimal stress, illness, and hospitalizations. It is basic cause/effect. The stress response is a major assault on an already overextended body. It is a vicious cycle that cannot be escaped with any significant burden of effort. As it currently stands, my task limitations are confined to periods not exceeding 1.5 hours because of increased pressure to the brain; resulting in unexplained numbness,tingling,burning, cramping in extremities and dizziness. I push myself to achieve basic tasks and feel grateful for good days when I am able to accomplish a couple basic items on my to do list. This whole process has been ridiculous; as if someone who understands law could ever understand the body, health, and the cost of illness? I shouldn’t have to seek legal assistance in pursuit of an earned benefit, defending my reality; especially by someone who is clueless regarding matters of illness and disease. The fact I have not earned any substantial income in over 2 years despite my best efforts is evidence I have been unable to commit to steady employment. Once again a personal opinion has more value than evidence. I welcome further advise on all the positions I would be suited to perform that were claimed in the findings. Have job requirements gotten so mediocre they are no longer competitive? Attendance optional? Dependability not required? Both sedentary and repetitive motion are both factors that can trigger inflammation and cause further damage to an already compromised body. I can’t type worth anything with any consistent manner due to hand/eye coordination disturbance’ from nystagmus. I refuse to perform at a level that is unacceptable by most standards. I guess that is where the world and I collide? I value the work and effort I can provide and currently all that I have to offer is interrupted. I probably would make a really good editor if it weren’t for the unreliability associated with my circumstance’ and needing to avoid contact with hidden microbial enemies. I fought to work for 22 years with chronic illness and now fighting to rest and heal, and my body is worn out from this fight to save my soul.
The document findings are filled with inaccuracy’ and incomplete. I have followed with corrections to the findings report.
June 1, 2015 (6F/126) I had an appointment for zometa infusion for treatment of high calcium; not sarcoidosis. Zometa is a sodium bisphosphonate and isn’t used to treat sarcoidosis. (Incorrect ASSUMPTION)
June 26, 2015 (6F/126) “Reported not feeling well”? I had been having fevers with heaviness in my chest that hadn’t improved post contracting influenza b on April 7, 2015. Being a Friday after hours my provider sent me to the ER department after contacting him, to have my white count checked and if needed, boost it, which resulted with a white count of 1. The er doctor only offered me an antibiotic with no evidence of a bacterial infection. I refused the antibiotic knowing it was most likely viral and related to my influenza that never resolved. The er doctor, not familiar with my complex case, bullied me and refused to treat my white count as customary with neulasta, which was the reason my physician recommended I go in the first place. I wasn’t in any position to risk further complications from something unnecessary, so I determined waiting to see my physician the following Monday was the best decision. On June 29, 2015 I was appropriately diagnosed with neutropenic fevers, pneumonia, and hospitalized. (So again findings were not completely accurate and taken out of context.)
August 4, 2015 I saw my endocrinologist who had been following my persistent hypercalcemia and hypothyroid. The zometa treatments worked to decrease my calcium, which was later discovered to be related to a parathyroid adenoma.
October 7, 2015 I had a follow up visit with my pulmonary physician to evaluate resolution of pneumonia. I felt my lungs were stable and my cough had improved. (The assumption that zometa is used in the treatment of sarcoidosis is again false and shows complete medical ignorance.)
November 2, 2015 (6F/59) Living alone and being primarily independent and able to provide for basic self care needs is very different than trying to maintain consistent reliability. In fact, it should explain that maintaining necessary tasks on your own would place more demands on the body; without having a regular source of support. As if it is impossible to live alone with a disabling condition is another poor assumption. I’m not paralyzed, however, even if I were, there is no reasons that would prevent adjusting to the circumstance. This implication insults the disabled and shows contempt. It also does not mean I am without regular assistance at times. My neighbors are constantly looking out for me and lending a helping hand. They have been mowing my lawn for the last 9 years and have also delivered food on occasion. I have an uncle and aunt locally who take turns helping when needed in a variety of ways. People in my situation need what independence they can get to prevent further suffering from guilt and feeling like a burden.
December 1, 2015 According to my records I didn’t see my urologist on this date? So once again misinformation on reporting. Although I have a very active history with kidney stones and surgeries that started in July 2009. To date I have had at least 10 surgeries since 2009 to remove stones including; 3 cystoscopy, 5 percutaneous nephrolithotomy’, bilateral nephrolithotomy (2014), and most recently uteroscopy on December 5, 2017. I continue to produce many stones despite having my kidneys cleared over and over. My most recent ultrasound/scan was January 9, 2018 showing multiple stones and mild right side hydronephrosis. My calcium levels have remained normal since the parathyroid surgery on December 16, 2015, yet I continue to produce regular stone formations.
Completely eliminated from the findings and distorted was the events with I.T.P. I contacted my hematologist to order blood labs on November 2, 2015 after noticing petechiae. My platelet count was found to be 0 and I was hospitalized November 2, 2015 thru November 10, 2015 for a bone marrow biopsy, platelet transfusions, treated with IVIG, and followed up with rituximab for 6 weeks. By February 22, 2016 my platelets increased to 103 and remained fairly stable for my situation; averaging around 100. At most recent appointment on May 22, 2019 they were 94 which is still low, however, acceptable given my history that has been resistant to increase.
I. T. P. @ OSF Saint Anthony
Most of the month of December 2015 was spent at Mayo clinic evaluating my severe and complicated issues with adverse reactions and resistance to medications, to determine if there were additional options in the event rituximab failed to improve my platelets. January 25, 2016 Once again resumed the habit of passing more kidney stones on a fairly regular basis, despite normal calcium levels. Doctors have failed to advise of any treatment for this manifestation and continue to promote drinking more water; which I remain conscience of with no impact.
March 17, 2016 Had appointment with an allergist to further diagnose reactions with multiple medications, to determine alternate treatment options in my complex case. My seasonal allergy complaints were the least of my problems as I tolerate them by being proactive and trying to avoid triggers. Comparing seasonal allergies with drug allergies is irrational and there is no comparison. Doctors don’t prescribe mold or tree pollen and you don’t die from them either. It was determined I had significant abnormalities with polymorphism’, which also explained the severe reaction developed to prednisone, including seizures and worsening of condition when trying to decrease very aggressive doses in 2007, while treating optic neuritis. They had previously prescribed methotrexate and remicade in order to discontinue 14+ years of high dose prednisone and relieve an accumulated 4 years of cushing syndrome.
March 17, 2016 Misrepresentation with ” the claimant reported experiencing side effects from medications.” Polymorphism and adverse reactions are not insignificant “side effects” but rather life threatening. The report was clearly included in the documentation from the allergist at Mayo clinic and was explained. It has been a miracle surviving a-plastic anemia in 2013 and my immune system has never recovered to a substantial defensive capacity and continues to progressively worsen with additional microbial assaults. I suggest a lesson in pharmacology would be necessary to make a determination.
March 2016 I had started to feel better enough to explore trying to work again. I naively started searching for different employment options. I had a couple interviews during a period of about 6 months with no results, so July 2016 I decided to become an independent distributor for the Juice Plus company; understanding the value of whole nutrition and the health benefits it provided. In addition, I hoped I could earn some income too. I have remained a distributor but have failed to obtain legitimate earnings and continue to hope I will eventually reap some financial rewards for my efforts. I also have been open and continue seeking other opportunities for home based work with residual income that can accommodate my quickly changing and unpredictable body, while avoiding stress and deadlines that further trigger immune exacerbation.
April 15, 2016 I wasn’t having any life threatening issues, therefore did not require any medication involvement to solve detrimental symptoms. I had decided to start seeking alternative methods of healing based on evidence, instead of the same approach that lead to running out of FMLA and losing my job. It is completely false I denied all treatments; as the only treatments that were suggested were for future exacerbation. Medications have failed me and left me in a desperate situation with my health. It is a complete fabrication that I denied any treatment options as noted April 15, 2016 (6F/23). I did not refuse all treatments, I exhausted the use of many medications after they no longer improved my condition. I refused further immune suppression because I am not insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Medications work temporary at best. It would be further assault to my health to add immune suppression to an already severely suppressed immune system. Furthermore immune suppression does not remove scar tissue or address the multiple issues such as kidney stones; it would be adding insult to injury. I have been trying to resurrect my immune system since losing my employment in 2015 with no success at this point. Over twenty two years of chemo medications have done what they were designed to do, while never preventing the many hospitalizations and even multiplying the problems. The only answer the medical community has for my condition is immune suppression, which goes against biologic science and sanity. The world is so conditioned to believe a pill is the answer for everything and disregards root cause, complications, or risks. Sarcoidosis is not something you treat, it is the life threatening symptoms that are treated. The ignorance of this disease does not go unnoticed.
August 1, 2016 As typical I passed one of the many kidney stones in my history that never involved the ER. Emergency rooms are for emergencies. Based on the amount of kidney stones I have passed, it no longer constitutes an emergency and proves a foolish use of resource. Newsflash…… when you are passing a kidney stone the pain can be so intense you can’t even leave your bed, let alone the house. Furthermore there is nothing the ER can do besides charge outrageous fees and hand out pain medication like candy. With experience comes knowledge and you learn how to cope. Applying peppermint oil topically and laying flat has been my approach to tolerating the pain that is triggered by stone movement. You also develop a very high pain tolerance with experience. Pain medication will only cause additional concerns; see any drug information profile. Maybe I need to provide all the picture documentation of several of the kidney stones passed these last few years; since without visual reference it’s easy to ignore? I imagine people think I am crazy for collecting these kidney stone events, however, it seems to be the only way to get the message across about the problem.
August 12, 2016 it was reported as being asymptomatic and I’m wondering of which multiple issue? I certainly wasn’t kidney stone free or cured of ITP and Secondary Immune Deficiency during that period, or any other for that matter and all my medical records support this finding.
October 7, 2016 (6F/7) I have episodic breathing and cough that is dependent on a variety of factors; including environmental toxins and acute infections. Having various roaming health conditions that happen independently, do not exclude the continuous and persistent abnormalities. My overall condition is episodic in nature with varying degrees and impacted by nutrition, sleep, and stress avoidance; which are crucial to avoiding further immune triggers . Being proactive and choosing intentional behaviors has been a requirement for avoiding any major setbacks. Something as simple as a bug bite could create havoc in my body.
February 7,2017 (7F/24) There is clearly some confusion indicating treatment and improvement? Completely false and misleading, as far as nervous system involvement is concerned; that didn’t develop until later. September 1, 2017 my local neurologist ordered an MRI after an initial visit in August because of ongoing issues including; headaches,numbness and tingling in both feet, right arm, and burning in feet. She preferred to consult and partner with my neurologist at Loyola who had history with my situation but was farther away. A suitable treatment was eventually denied by insurance after several attempts to get it covered. I have been adjusting and dealing with the issues the best way possible with no source of income. I felt some benefit after several chiropractic treatments, however still experience these symptoms periodically upon exertion and am unable to sustain the treatments because of insufficient funds. As typical governments don’t understand budgets and that you can’t just steal service’ when broke. Something the government doesn’t seem to have a grasp on based on every area of waste,abuse, and debt.
March 9, 2017 (20F/45,58,73,114;22F) Although I was currently having minimal issues, there seems to be another misinterpretation regarding chronic illness? It has been status quo the last 4 years, so regardless of not having major life threatening symptoms, I have remained immune suppressed and carrying kidney stones; causing degrees of nephrolithiosis . In what warped reality is “not worse” equivalent to “better”? Being able to prioritize sleep with inconsistent sleep patterns and avoiding stress has been an essential part of maintaining any further progression of disease. In addition, the notes were obviously wrong; it’s called human error. I was previously a pharmacy technician and maintained my license until its expiration in March 2017. It’s still not relevant to the current situation so apparently assumptions were made? I haven’t worked as a pharmacy technician since being released from my employment September 27, 2015. The IRS can affirm this fact.
March 23, 2017 My body decided to start attacking and the target was iron deficiency; a 6 week course of iron infusions were initiated.
September 1, 2017 As stated previously, this was the beginning of increased nervous system involvement and treatment eventually being denied. Neurologist ordered MRI after initial visit in August because of ongoing issues including; headaches,numbness and tingling in feet, right arm, and burning in feet. She preferred partnering with my Neurologist at Loyola who had more history with my situation but was farther away. A suitable treatment was eventually denied by insurance after several attempts to get it covered. I have been adjusting and dealing with the issues the best way possible with no source of income. Not working has been part of the necessary adjustment.
November 22,2017 After preparing for bed and bathing I had an episode similar to previous experience’ with seizures. I became concerned enough to investigate if the noted brain lesions 2 months prior were getting worse, due to inability to access treatment, so I went to the ER for assessment.
January 9, 2018 Better is very subjective when dealing with the spectrum of ailments involved with my condition. Of course I felt better after my uteroscopy; it relieved pressure from nephrolithiosis and stone blockage of urine. I didn’t feel the amount of pain resorted to a strong opioid medication and was able to utilize tylenol to tolerate pain. I have earned a high pain tolerance!
If medical evidence does not support my disability it is because of failures on those assessing them and it was either ignored or misrepresented. Based on all the discrepancy I found in the findings, it explains human error, unrealistic standards, or malice. Knowing individuals much younger, healthier, and able to work that have been collecting disability, while I am denied despite the abundant evidence is insulting and demeaning. I have been dealing with a chronic illness marathon for over 25 years. Income is required to pursue any serious attempt of improvement with functional medicine. If there was even minimal effort to understand the severity of my condition, it should be obvious. I most likely won’t even reach standard retirement age. The government has no business making claims I am able to do something when reality and facts prove otherwise. I want to work again but that can’t happen until I get resolve of major health issues. I am a motivated person at the mercy of my body and shouldn’t be at the mercy of the government too. The inconsistency involved with this process is just another example of ineffective government and also explains the ignorance associated with illness and health care. This decision also affirms I made the right decision ending my legal representation. Talk about manipulation of facts and inaccuracy. Another incorrect documentation was in regards to my representation. At my initial hearing I was represented by Andrew Locke and not James Greeman, as reported in the findings summary. Details matter in this process. The deficiency’s in this determination prove to be sloppy. Taking events out of the context numerous times distorts the entire picture and is dishonest. This only covers the cliff notes of my journey with neurosarcoidosis too.
Government corruption runs deep and includes the social security administration. I certainly feel as though I am in a similar position as Donald Trump with the Mueller investigation and can relate to the similarities of this corrupt government process. The social security nazi’s need to be exposed and drained! It should be a private entity owned by “We the People”. It’s obvious the government can’t be trusted and why legal assistance is necessary for this process. Leave it to me to always have to learn the hard way and take the most difficult road. The government will probably be the death of me but can only hope it will be used by God for His purpose. Maybe they need to reevaluate my psyche evaluation because apparently I’m delusional to believe that my condition is severe and prevents gainful employment? Apparently I just identify with my symptoms but shouldn’t that be enough? Seems to me transgender people have more rights than the chronically ill. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise given how backwards and insane our society has become. Heaven help me because there is no place like home and I don’t seem to fit in this world anywhere. I need an intervention and a second chance at life again. I have had several people tell me I should write a book and after this, I feel I just might have written a chapter and closer to that reality.
Besides all of this evidence SS has a horrible rate of return on investment. You’d be a LOT better off investing that money in a 401K or IRA or other investment. Plus if you should die you can will that investment to your adult children or other family. With SS all that investment is GONE!!!! On top of that the government can change the terms of how much and when you can get your money out by reducing benefits, changing retirement age, etc, etc. And if you could use that cash for some emergency, you CANNOT get access to it unlike a retirement account. These are only FOUR of many reasons SS is a horrible investment for the future!
I often have this recurring thought, you don’t know what you don’t know. I know health because I know illness and my struggles have lead me on a journey to learning and incredible spiritual growth. I have also discovered health care has nothing to do with actual health and that the government should not have any control of the debacle; which they know nothing about. Not only did I work in “health care”, specifically pharmacy, for nearly 15 years, I have currently experienced the industry extensively for over 25 years dealing with my chronic illness. If it was effective I would not be sick for over half of my existence and experience the progression of disease, which has included Neurosarcoidosis,Primary Immune Deficiency, I.T.P, G.E.R.D, and C.O.P.D to diagnose parts of the multiplying dysfunctions. I have survived over 25 years of conventional medicine because I have boldly chosen to seek Christ and rely on faith to direct my decisions and it didn’t happen overnight or doing what was typical. From the beginning of my illness the treatments never made sense, however, like most people I had to learn the hard way. It took time and patience to break free from the status quo. Experience has always been the best teacher. If I had remained on the conventional medicine course I would be dead and I am not being over dramatic either. I can recall several critical moments, however, 2012 was when it became imperative the need to change course. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Even now, still being severely immune suppressed the last 6 years, you recognize the miracle of living and the obvious understanding that God ultimately decides when our mission is accomplished and our earthly term is finished. Our unknowing is limitless and provides for a thirst for understanding. The Bible instructs that if you cling to life you will lose it and explains a lot about my journey. We are body and spirit, yet often forget how they are connected.
John 3:6 New International Version (NIV) 6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[a] gives birth to spirit.
Mark 5:26 New International Version (NIV) 26 She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
The first Biblical principle that has been ingrained is to try and honor my body as a temple. Nothing about medication honors our body and actually goes completely against it by manipulating the God given biologic chemistry. If you’ve ever read all the potential side effects for the common drugs and think there is anything life giving, you’ve been conditioned by the world. The author of death,stealing, and destruction is satan. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone; then you try and find it. We have inherited a mysterious and divine body upon birth. The Bible is the manual but we have been conditioned to believe it operates on auto pilot. Disease isn’t a random or unexplained occurrence; it’s just learning human biology hasn’t been a priority in society. Also ego likes to insist we don’t make mistakes. I have always had a passion for health but unfortunately or fortunately it took developing a chronic illness to become almost obsessed with understanding what is hidden. Since nearly approaching the 4th year anniversary of developing influenza b, that would become the ending of my employment and beginning of the unknown, it has been my mission to conquer my health and figure out how my current situation is part of a process and preparing for something more, that couldn’t be seen from where I was left. This world is filled with deception and nearsightedness. The Bible acts as spiritual glasses for clarity in a world filled with darkness. I’m constantly amazed how easily people ingest substances or foods despite potential consequences that apparently my body screams loudly to. Besides for my insight on endocrine disruptor’s and alcohol being in that category, I can’t think of a single advantage to drinking alcohol, in fact, just the opposite, it stimulates insulin in the body which in turn creates inflammation. I’ve learned that inflammation is my enemy!
” It can be extremely easy to live a life of comfort. A life in which the choices we make are made solely based on what is easiest, benefits us quickest, and is most convenient. Be assured that a life that is truly lived includes many of the following: bumps, laughter, bruises, joy, discomfort, success, heartache. Often times, where you want to be is not where you are called to be. Going where you are called is certainly not always pleasant or perfect but it is always beautiful and good.” ~Sidewalk Prophets 3/25/19#thesesimpletruthstour #swpfamily #beencouraged
Living with an invisible illness enlightens you to the major deception you must face living. The deception comes from everywhere and everyone; including many doctors. It requires having strong communication skills with an ability to convey symptoms that at times seem unusual, even peculiar, to those who have never lived it. The forsaken reality is, seeing is believing and not seeing is not believing. It is why I eventually started documenting my very unique, or as doctors remarked, my complex case. As I look back and read my medical records the gratitude sinks deeper of the strength and perseverance that has accompanied this battle which can’t be seen. The characteristics you obtain on this journey are priceless and the cost is great but the value is greater; which often seems unnoticed by the rest of the world sometimes. Invisible illness has revealed learning deeper truths in every area of life, but particularly the curiosity of the soul and it’s Creator.
With the partial government shutdown and absence of those impacted not receiving a paycheck spreading over the mainstream news, it has revealed a crises in society on many levels. It is a crises that begins with a spiritual void and results in entitlement,gluttony,idolatry, and most importantly lack of wisdom, sacrifice, and responsibility. It exposes a government dependency that has been manufactured by very weak people who have submitted their power to an idol.
As a conservative who has always supported limited government with my vote, it angers me but also reveals something deeper in myself; that I can be grateful for. You see, I have been in a battle with the bureaucracy of social security disability for nearly 3 years, with no substantial income. I worked and had social security taken from my checks for approximately 29 years and after the progression of my chronic illness and losing my job, the government gets to decide whether I qualify to have my money returned when I am unable to maintain employment? I have endured over 25 years with neurosarcoidosis; several episodes with brain lesions which have left me with residual nystagmus and occasional verbal deficiency from previous 2.5 inch brain lesion that caused aphasia, over 22 years of immune suppression and chemo drugs resulting in secondary immune deficiency, I.T.P., C.O.P.D., S.I.B.O., cholengitis with gall bladder removal, and chronic kidney stones with 10 kidney stone operations presently. I have managed to reverse secondary hypothyroid being diligent and prioritizing health concepts that work would compromise. Still after all this evidence I am denied having any limitations that would impair my ability to work by government standards? It is business as usual for the government run nightmare and nobody gives a second thought about those at their most vulnerable time who are unexpectedly inflicted with this battle. Yet God forbid some federal worker might have to wait for a paycheck or not have to work and get paid for an undetermined amount of time. Last time I checked, this is the reality of life for all! Somehow politics gets to determine that federal workers are an exception to the unexpected reality of life? By the way, it is all propaganda because I recently learned GOVERNMENT WORKERS CAN GET THEIR PAYROLL FROM THEIR LOCAL BANK BY SHOWING THEIR FEDERAL ID!!!! THE LOAN IS INTEREST FREE AND WILL BE PAID BACK BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ONCE IT REOPENS. What a deal!
There are many people who do not have the luxury of a steady income; any entrepreneur work like farming, writing, coaching, musicians, or home business’ depend on many factors to receive a profit. Nothing in life is guaranteed; not even your ability to perform. At any moment you could end up with an illness or victim to an accident preventing you from making money. We are at the mercy of the universe and why we need a Savior. The government does not have any exclusive rights to resource’. It is why there are religious organizations that provide charity available. When the government claims this type of power over people it is also taking it away from Christ. The Bible explains satan as a thief and therefore satan is clearly active in the government.
John 10:10 New International Version (NIV) 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
It is quite unbelievable to me that there are people who do not have the basic insight on how to live effectively; standards like not spending money you don’t have, sacrificing for things you want,saving and stewardship of giving your first fruits. Life is all about planting; it doesn’t take much to produce a harvest when you sow into the Lord. The most I have ever made was $27,000 annually when I had a good year and it was an exception. On top of that my average health care expense was typically $5000 annually. If you have never practiced these principles, you wouldn’t know how effective they are. It takes a step of faith but too many cling to comfort and turn to fear when it is lost. Fear is a trap to compromise and selling out to satan and this is where we are in society. It is impossible to have a full life when in bondage to the government. I am so blessed to understand this; so many are lost and eager to become powerless. Living paycheck to paycheck is a choice of bondage and irresponsible. Less truly is more! There is freedom and power in discipline and not conforming to the world. The best thing we can do is deny ourselves.
Good stewardship leads to flourishing, which is characterized by well-being, thriving, and abundance. It is the way God created all things before the fall, as well as what he will restore when Christ returns. In the parable of the talents, Jesus teaches that everyone is to maximize the gifts that he is given in order to contribute to the flourishing of the world (Matt. 25:14-30).
It should be no mystery how God provides in my time of need. In fact, I would have never even realized His faithfulness and provision had I never been put into this challenging situation. I cannot emphasize enough the privilege I have had growing up with a purpose driven grandfather and having the Biblical wisdom instilled into my world. My grandfathers legacy is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only am I able to live in the house he built to shelter me but I have the amazing values and wisdom that has been the foundation of my soul. Life giving lessons based on the “Laws of Reciprocity”, service, learning, and setting myself apart from the desires of this world. I learned early on that less is truly more. It’s strange how basic principles like these are lost on so many. Life comes down to choice’s and in an unpredictable world we should have the freedom to accept the consequence of our choice’s. They are indeed what shape us into the depth of our character and strengthen us. Christ is the only thing that results in strength when we are weak; the government is incapable of that power.
When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?Psalm 118:5-6NIV
I can’t help but recognize the path of purpose that God has lead me on and suspect that somehow He wants to use me to expose government and transform it to it’s original intent? Why does the Lord give me such impossible goals? LOL I can’t help but reflect on the preparation and influences. The fact that my favorite Bible verse has always been Phil. 4:13 since early on should be a clue.
Philippians 4:13 New International Version (NIV) 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I didn’t choose to quit working but after almost 15 years with my previous employer, I was released during a battle with my chronic illness. Apparently God decided I needed a time out after 22 years of pushing through health challenges. The current season has ended up being much longer than I ever imagined and at this point I’m not even sure of the duration or what lies ahead. The last 3 years have found me with no consistent income and waiting on approval of social security disability. I finally received a date for my hearing and recently had a phone interview with the attorney I found, in preparation for my hearing. The conversation with him left me with anxiety and insecurity because it reminded me of the shallow perception, discrimination, and lack of understanding the majority of people have regarding illness and health. Healthy people take so much for granted. It takes effort to live with a chronic illness; fighting for life daily. People are blind to what is unseen and it reveals how disconnected they are from our Creator, who cannot be seen. Chronic illness conditions you to live on a much deeper and spiritual level. It also reveals the Supernatural powers you depend on daily. Being intentional is a necessity. It takes a great deal of faith,skill, and determination to live with a life threatening disease and look as good as I do. 😉 All glory to Heaven and my Lord. Many times my mother has accused me of faking her out while sick, however, it is all grace and no act on my part. God makes illness look easy I guess?
#FakingWhileUnderSickness
Admittedly it can be easier to be perceived as normal when most of the world is either self focused and distracted or under the influence of stress, toxic foods, alcohol, or legalized medications. I am not in the habit of sharing details that could potentially be used against me at some point.The only people that are aware of my brain damage are my doctors and I think they have even forgotten because of time and appearance’ based on supernatural adaptation. Even my family has what I call as health trauma amnesia, because all they seem to recognize is what they currently see? It is not as if I share all the details of my illness or even should. Just this evening as I was vacuuming the rug in my living room by myself my brain was telling that I was brushing the floor. #BlameItOnAphasia #BrainLesionProblems It is moments like this that pop up unexpected on various occasions with no warning. Or all the times my nystagmus gets the best of me and I look like I’m intoxicated because I stumble when moving. These are just some of the daily reminders I am not completely able. It leaves me feeling ashamed knowing all those amazing talents I possess are wasted on others ignorance and expectations. Just as I am able to write this blog; it takes careful and methodical editing, persistence, and time; which the real world doesn’t seem to allow. I haven’t given up restoration or eventually earning passive income yet either, but in the mean time I need some financial stability to go further and obtain my goals.
I don’t want my illness to define me nor am I seeking sympathy either. I would prefer to be understood; which seems unlikely. As I mentioned previously, I’m grateful my impairments are not obvious; it’s hard enough dealing with the discrimination that is invisible. It is a battle that seems impossible to win, having people question your ability to work and ironically now why you aren’t. The power of perception is so fickle! I’m just too intelligent and good looking to be disabled apparently? Yet here I am killing it, even literally!
.Intelligence,personality, and beauty do not dictate a person’s ability to work, accomplish tasks, or follow through. These characteristics make for a desirable resume, but lack in productivity. Any source of income or employment requires consistency; which does not exist or even realistic when challenged with an unpredictable immune dysfunction. Besides the nervous system damage that has occurred, having an immune system that is incapable of protecting me from all the unseen environmental toxins and warfare leaves me sick at the drop of a dime, on top of the typical fatigue. Statistics state that an additional year of life is added to every year while ill. I am constantly being reminded of how good I look for being sick. I will be 46 next month and it has been just over 25 years dealing with my condition ,so that would make me 71; no wonder my body is ready for retirement. I look fabulous for 71! lol Then there are all the kidney stones and surgeries on a very regular basis I deal with. I eventually created a photo album on facebook to start documenting some of the ridiculous journey.
“When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves.” – Albert Einstein
Well as usual God speaks to my heart through my daily devotional:
” None of us are immune. Life is hard some days. And often there’s not even just one “big” thing, but just lots of little battles that can drain us dry. Parenting, marriage, job, relationships, fears, worries about the future, experiencing loss, discouragement, illness, money problems – it all can leave us beaten down and worn. But, praise God, He gives us one another to help in times when we just feel like, “I can’t anymore…”
“We’re all in this life thing together; let’s help each other today. Give an encouraging word, smile at someone, write a note, send a text, buy someone a coffee, pray for another soul and let them know that you’re praying, anything, just to remind a fellow believer that you’re holding up their battle-weary arms. And that you’re with them.”
And God is with us.
Dear God,
The battle feels intense some days. We get tired and weak,
weary and worn. It’s hard to keep going in the face of defeat. But help
us to remember that you will never leave us, that you’re our Refuge and
our Strength, an ever-present help in trouble. We know that the enemy
wouldn’t be fighting so hard against us, if we weren’t making a
difference for your Kingdom. He wouldn’t be trying so hard to stop us,
if he didn’t think you had so much good still in store. Remind us that
the battle belongs to you, and whatever we’re up against can be taken
down in one fail swoop by your Mighty Hand. Help us to trust you more,
to never waste time spinning our wheels and wrestling or fighting in our
strength. Please forgive us Lord for the times we’ve failed to lift our
hands to you, for the days we’ve forgotten to come to you first. Fill
us with the Power of your Holy Spirit
this day. Fill us with your joy, fill us with your wisdom and
discernment, fill us with constant reminders that Your Presence will go
with us, and you will give us rest.
My motivation in life has always been inherently rooted in purpose, and that purpose is following Christ and designed for growth, healing, and peace. My intentions are to avoid anything pointless and deceptive which seems close to impossible in this world and why we need grace and a Savior. In a previous post I mentioned intentionally trying to avoid any appearance of evil, as the Bible mentions; including the celebration of Halloween, after learning the spiritual implications that were conceived in idolatry and darkness.
After browsing facebook the universe just whispered a childhood memory that inspired me suddenly and profoundly. I am constantly reminded that nothing in our existence is ever random and all things under the sun have meaning and resonate with our journey. It’s just many are too distracted to look beyond the surface. So onto the history and insight of my childhood.
I was chosen to play “Little Red Riding Hood” in a kindergarten production. I had assumed it was because I was a very animated child, however, after 40 years I am now speculating additional reasoning. I saw something related to it browsing online and instantly was triggered by the thought OMG, it was no coincidence I was chosen, even as a child. I was blind but can now see after the last 3 years, the preparation for my present experience’s and also how I might have been created similarly to “Little Red Riding Hood” at my core? The last few years has lead me to constantly revealing wolves hiding in society. Not only in people, but the world revolves around spiritual wolves; health,government,food,education, and even church’. Wolves that I have been blinded to for so long. It has left me feeling so foolish and insecure lately as I now realize how the majority of people I have cared for and saw goodness in could be motivated by such shallowness and darkness all along. But what is more disappointing is all the ways society has conditioned us to the normalcy of this epidemic of brokeness and narcissism. This spiritual battle we face is leading us into temptation and physical repercussions of illness. Sadly I’m left feeling guilty about my own limitations on the journey and blaming myself.
So it might sound crazy but I almost feel like dressing up as “Little Red Riding Hood”? Maybe it could be a potential spiritual act needed to symbolically free myself from the reality and help guide me in returning to my innocence? A gesture to bring my heart and head together and unite the depth of my inner child while bringing it to the surface? Or maybe I’m just going crazy and having a midlife crises after all the failed attempts of trying to heal myself and perfect the Love in my soul that has been systematically jaded over the years. Never have I understood and related life so much to “Little Red Riding Hood”. All along I thought I was more of a “Cinderella” type until this moment? Either life imitates art or art imitates life, but I am so ready for a happy ever eternity!
The following passages were sent in my devotional @Crosscards this morning and am finding the relevance significant.
“Listen to the word of the LORD, people of Jacob — all you families of Israel! This is what the LORD says: ‘What did your ancestors find wrong with me that led them to stray so far from me? They worshiped worthless idols, only to become worthless themselves.’” Jeremiah 2:4-5 (NLT)
Jeremiah 15:19, “This is how the LORD responds: ‘If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you!’” (NLT)
I don’t mean to be a bummer, however, the truth isn’t always pleasant. Nobody ever claimed denying oneself is easy but it has been worth it from my experience. It is a personal decision just like any other and we usually have to learn the hard way. Evil is real and so is the Light and I prefer purity; it is my nature though, having a life path #7 and the gift of chastity. As we approach the haunting hour and evil worship that comes during October I felt it recently on my heart to warn others of the real threat that I gladly would partake in for 43 years. The Lord has been revealing the truth and deception of the holiday over the last 3 years of intimacy and growth. I can’t go back knowing what I know and experiencing the new found peace and freedom. I am still human and have the innate urge to enjoy dressing up for Halloween and not as anything evil either. It would seem as though to most it wouldn’t hurt anyone in the act,however, we would be wrong. It compromises our relationship with the Giver and Receiver of our life and All good things. It also opens energy into the darkness when we celebrate something created in the energy and spirit of darkness. That energy is very real and I not only don’t want to experience any consequence’ of inviting the occult into my world, but I also don’t intend to jeopardize my favor in the Lord that I have come to enjoy after turning away from my immaturity and foolishness. First off, as a purpose driven individual what purpose would there be in putting a costume on, besides self indulgence? Furthermore, what would provoke me to dress up as anything; other than idolatry? It all seems so pointless really in the grand scheme of life? Leave it to me to error on the safe side but my soul and devotion to God on my journey is way more important than a night or instant of self gratification. It really is no different than sex,food, or anything that can be enjoyed. Call me crazy, but I want God’s best! There is no appearance of Holiness in pretending to be something you are not. Maybe I’m overthinking but not participating in Halloween activities certainly won’t rob me of anything! I’ve personally found I don’t need anything apart from Christ and the more I practice this, the more freedom and peace I obtain.
“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”
Eph 5:8-11
When you research the history of Halloween it was conceived by flawed man and continued by foolish people who never questioned their hearts and why. It is so easy to get caught up in the flesh and ignore spiritual forces. Looking back on my childhood I can’t help but reflect the times I was naively introduced to the dark side thinking nothing of it. My intention is to finally break free from those chains. I’ve always believed in cause/effect and that it is impossible to believe otherwise. If you understand the depths of reality,energy, and molecules of all existence; there is no such thing as nothing. Even nothing is something! Have I lost you now? LOL “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness.” Isaiah 5:20
Anyway upon reflection of past events in my life it triggered contemplation of my mother purchasing an ouija board and using it thinking it was just a game. As naturally inquisitive adolescents we would ask questions. I no longer remember the basic markings on the board but I remember being creeped out by the way it really moved and the answers of where it stopped. It only takes one oops to discover an open door to hell. I believe it was an event that brought my step father into our lives and it would change my life forever. I remember the first time meeting him at Chuckie Cheese and none of us liked him; we would later discover our intuition was reliable. Besides for the fact my mother invited him to live with us and was having sex before being married to him. It was all producing an environment of sin that we would suffer the consequence. Not long after he moved in I would wake in the night to him fondling my private parts and discover holes in areas of the older farm house he would use to peek as I would bathe or change clothing. I felt helpless and would remain as if I was still sleeping; in hopes he would leave but it was never soon enough. While he lay his hands over my female essence he would verbally speak perversion and vulgarity. As I’ve recently been researching on my journey to discovery and healing from the trauma that most likely contributed to my health condition with neurosarcoidosis, I understand the connection to the teeth grinding I developed throughout high school that can be a symptom linked to a stress response occurring after significant exposure. It had probably been approximately 7 years I lived in constant fear; especially sleeping. It was in 1994 after I had been ill for a year that I left to stay with my grandparents and never leave there home. It would be 4 more years later that this monsters sins would catch up to him physically with bone cancer and the Lord would rescue and deliver me from evil. I guess I discovered early on to trust the Lord and desire purity. I feel blessed to have gained such a passion for purity and the peace it provides.
Well, I seemed to get off track maybe but the initial onset of my illness was labor day weekend and would continue the duration of October. I believe there is significant energy being produced that correlates with the calendar. In fact, it would be interesting to remember when he entered the picture because I believe I remember wearing jackets and being cold but not freezing?
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9
“Let those who love the Lord hate evil.” Psalm 97:10
“To fear the Lord is to hate evil. Prov. 8:13a
“Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the Lord God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.” Amos 5:15
God continues to reveal and reinforce my mission of restoration with resource’,guidance, and affirmations on my journey to healing nearly 25 years of NeuroSarcoidosis. My focus has been seeking the Lord for truth and direction since I lost my job in the fall of 2015, as a result of discrimination and progression of my illness. Our Creator is the source of creation and healing. Our bodies were designed to be self healing and it is miraculous; the entire cells of our bodies regenerate at different daily,monthly, and yearly rates in a divine process known as autophagy.
System Autophagy
God has kept me very busy with online health material and health summits; in fact, there have been very few weeks not filled with at least one summit to view and gain further understanding. God has also been connecting me with many alternative and functional medical providers whom most have had their own journey to healing as a result of illness. Finally, God introduced me to the world of political activism as a result of the decline in care and increased cost; as a consequence of the implementation of Obamacare. I’ve been trying to put all the pieces together to form a specific vision and I believe I am closer than ever after the most recent series of influence. “The Healing Miracle Stem Cell Secrets” series is my current blessing sent from God. Health is a complicated process; many things can go wrong with our bodies and the worldly conventional medical community refuse’ to assess the entire picture. Health is a multidisciplinary issue. I realized it was broken from the beginning but until recently didn’t feel able to contribute a better way nor had any motivation. It is human nature to become comfortable and ignore things until they get extreme and awareness occurs. As usual and in God’s mysterious ways I now realize it has all been a blessing in disguise and part of Gods plan. Medication has never offered a solution but with my experience and most recent revelations obtained on my trips to Mayo clinic, it is apparent that medications are dangerous. It was by the grace of God that while searching for a table to sit in the cafeteria, Kelly motioned me over and invited me to join her. We connected very quickly and started sharing our similar issues with drug intolerance. She suggested blood testing for polymorphism gene expression and referred me to her allergist. He ordered the testing and provided me with additional information and it opened up the world of cytochrome P450 enzymes and their responsibility in metabolizing different medications. So besides for the usual drug allergies, which aren’t revealed until after exposure and reaction, the list of negatives is even greater. There has been a recent awareness of the growing epidemic of addiction to pain medications known as opioids in the news, however, it is the nature of all drugs to create dependency. It is why there remains a huge and profitable pharmaceutical industry and is based on basic biologic chemistry. Sadly most of society has been deceived and conditioned for instant gratification; seeking easy answers that simply do not exist. There are many hidden dangers taking prescriptions that the world seems to be blind to that should be exposed. Ignorance is only bliss to the intellectually lazy. Another problem is the blind trust of doctors who are also human with flaws. Most people do not even realize the fourth most common cause of death in the US is doctor prescribed medications and not even related to any prescription errors. I believe it is negligent to prescribe prescriptions without advance gene testing because everyone is unique and the consequence can lead to what is known as iatrogenic. i·at·ro·gen·ic /īˌatrəˈjenik/ adjective 1. relating to illness caused by medical examination or treatment: “drugs may cause side effects which can lead to iatrogenic disease”
I am fortunate that not only do I have an insatiable desire for learning and understanding but also practice disciplines that have helped me avoid addictive personality traits. It requires intentional and sacrificial living; being a glutton for punishment doesn’t hurt either? 😉 However, I can honestly say that I was chemically dependent on immune suppression and believe I am still dealing with withdraw issues and residual hormonal abnormalities, despite practicing fasting and detoxification principles for almost 2.5 years. It takes time to restore 22+ years of imbalance because of misguided behavior. I have faith that good things come to those who persevere and are patient; it requires a lot of seeking God’s word! I also realize that most of the information I am encountering are newer discoveries and in God’s perfect timing. At this point it is obvious that government and politics are the stumbling block to health. Insurance standards are rigid and limit payments for alternative treatments like massage,acupuncture,oxygen,reiki,natural supplements, and many other unconventional therapies that could provide relief. Furthermore, the government should not have the power to limit my ability to use my own cells in the pursuit of attempted healing. Consequently, stem cell therapy could potentially reduce associated healthcare costs. The current system perpetuates illness and requires continued error and practice. There is a great quote “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Change needs to happen and it is our God given right to be able to choose and use whatever means necessary in our pursuits. God has been using my illness for the greater good. Not only did He want me to transform medicine but He assigned me a position working in pharmacy to experience and expose the dysfunction,idolatry, and evil that has progressively gotten worse the previous decade. He also used my position to prompt me to discontinue drugs and save myself. I am apparently a slow learner? LOL People have more faith in medicine and drugs than Christ and His ability to heal and restore. I have many stories of how God has miraculously kept me alive. Over 22+ years is a long time to be prescribed poisons that the government has deemed safe. Newsflash….. living can kill you in a variety of ways and government has no business being a guardian and false idol. I want my story to end with God being glorified and responsible for my life or death. John 11:4 English Standard Version (ESV) 4 But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”
It has been obvious that God has always served a greater purpose in my life that is so beyond my understanding. It has taken nearly 3 years of complete focus and discernment on Him, health, and everything involved in the human body to bring me to this point of understanding. The most recent indication that I am close to the prize is receiving a connection request and message on facebook from a very well known prophetic minister after following him. His message was: “I add you up because i saw something great coming your way and i also saw spiritual attacks..i want you to bind them with prayers.” I’m including a youtube link to lesson 1 of the current series I am learning for those that actually care to discover the divine capabilities of our bodies. It is very unfortunate that many have become so passive in life and ignore the manual or Bible; which contains the power and guidance to healing. I just wish more science was actually used in the diagnosis and treatment of illness.
shineb4 